Lindsay and I had been dating for some time, time enough to have started talking about marriage. We were in that weird sort of "engaged to be engaged" kind of place and everyone was basically waiting for me to make the next move and pop the question. Roughly a year earlier I had returned home early from an LDS mission for issues related to depression and anxiety. I had made a lot of progress over the year to include having spent several months as an English teacher in China, but there were definitely still some times of struggle and it was during one of these more intense periods of struggle that I decided that I needed to break up with Lindsay. We went for a drive one evening, and I began to tell Lindsay that I was really having a difficult time with things and that I had come to some conclusions:
"Lindsay, with all of the struggles that I have to deal with...I don't know that I can ever get married, and even if I can get married someday, I don't know if I can marry you."
Having spent a lot of time with me before this moment, going over the odds working against us to have a successful marriage and discussing how we would deal with not only my issues with homosexuality, but also my sometimes, but not always related problems with depression/anxiety...Lindsay sat for a long time...thinking. Finally, she said:
"Well, we are getting married. So, take whatever time you need I guess...but it's happening."
Not much else was said. I drove Lindsay home and over the next couple of days, I planned a 10 day trip back to China to spend time away from the situation in a place that somehow was less complicated. As you know, eventually things worked out with Lindsay and I. Shortly after my return from China we talked and began dating again and...the rest is history. Somewhere in that history, I asked Lindsay how she dealt with me having been so hopeless about us in the car that night. She said, with very little hesitation:
"I knew that I wasn't talking to the real Blaine. I was talking to the evil Blaine, and I knew eventually you would come back."
Curse that lousy Evil Blaine! He almost ruined the best thing that ever happened to me! After she told me that, I made a concentrated effort to be on the lookout for Evil Blaine, and I when he returned....I would be ready!
Over the years, Evil Blaine has shown up a lot more often than I would have liked him to, and even though it is helpful for me to keep us separate (see previous blog post related to separating self from issues), I know that I am responsible for Evil Blaine's choices because he is mine...not me...but mine.
And it is on that note, that I would like to write a post exposing Evil Blaine! His nature, his shenanigans, and how he manages to lead us to self-destruction. I hope that by exposing him, it may help you in your quest to expose and destroy your own "evil" alter-ego (which you may choose to name something more clever than "Evil [your name]." I recommend something with the word "shadow" or "doctor").
Some Important Facts to Know About Doctor Evil Blaine (eh...thought I'd try it...whatdoyathink?)
1. Evil Blaine thrives on self-destruction born out of a desire for validation.
2. Evil Blaine weakens when I take genuine positive steps to add to my own happiness.
3. Evil Blaine does not exist because of actual "evil."
Lets expound:
1. Thrives on self-destruction born out of a desire for validation.
Everyone wants validation. It is important for everyone to hear from time to time that what they think or what they feel is okay. Common phrases in the English language are just begging for it: "you know what I mean?" or "right?" cue the listener to give a simple nod to the affirmative or "sure!" so that the speaker can continue on with whatever they are talking about. Communication and conflict go so much smoother if parties are able to first validate what the other is saying ("I hear when you say you're frustrated") before going anywhere else in difficult conversation. Have you ever had a conversation about a TV show, and you ask around to know who else watches it, so you can laugh with them about something hilarious that happened on last week's episode? We love validation. It helps us feel secure and grounded.
What happens when I find myself in a rut, feeling depressed, and down on myself? Sometimes a look around at the wonderful things in my life is helpful, but sometimes it feels uncomfortable because it is invalidating to my current perspective. I might fall into a pattern of discounting the good things in life as simply luck because I don't deserve them, and see my blessings as irritants, expecting more out of me than I feel able to give right now. I might fall into patterns that sabotage the good things in my life because they don't match how I feel, and it is in that moment that I know...Evil Blaine has returned. (Dun dun dun!!)
The crazy thing about Evil Blaine is that his entrance is so sneaky that I often don't notice him until I am full blown into self-destruct mode, but I am learning. I have learned over the years that these patterns completely defy all logic: "I feel really fat today...so I'm just going to eat this whole box of donuts." "I feel really alone right now...so I'm just going to lay here in bed and not talk to anyone." "I'm feeling really distant from my wife...I could really go for some porn right now." That's nuts! How can Evil Blaine be so convincing that these clearly obvious bad choices will somehow help me feel better?! Its all through the power of validation! Self-destructing, so that my life will match how I'm feeling about it right now.
2. Weakens when I take genuine positive steps to add to my own happiness.
The most difficult things to do in life are the ones where you make a choice that isn't about what you feel, but is about what is best. When we choose to validate logical/positive thoughts over negative feelings then we can start moving in the right direction. The greatest things in history were accomplished when someone or some people chose not to validate their fears by hiding or running away from problems but chose rather to validate their knowledge about what was right and what would lead to the greater good.
When I am feeling really down on myself and criticizing myself for being fat, wouldn't it make sense to say...work on telling myself that I look great and maybe go for a run? If I'm feeling isolated and alone, wouldn't it make sense to, I don't know, call a friend I know I can talk to? It's difficult to do these things, and I mention taking "genuine" positive steps because, as has been discussed in previous posts, telling yourself you better do it because you suck if you don't doesn't last very long and you will eventually default to easier measures of validating your negative feelings.Every self-destructive step I take, feeds Evil Blaine and strengthens his ability to sabotage my life. Every positive step I take to making my life happier feeds me, and gets me back in control.
3. Does not exist because of actual "evil."
The argument could be made that the choices that Evil Blaine would have me make could be sinful. Indeed, my belief is that turning to pornography when I'm feeling down on myself is an action that has spiritual consequences that have to do with choosing "evil" over "good." However, actually having self-doubt and depression is not a sign that something truly "evil" has taken over. Feeling depressed, unsure, and hopeless, happens to the best of us...and I mean, the VERY best of us.
In Luke 22: 41-43 Jesus Christ enters the Garden of Gethsemane to atone for the sins of the world:
42 Saying, Father, if thou be willing remove this cup from me: nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done.
In this moment I believe Christ had some self-doubt about going through with his task. He knew how important it was and what happiness would come from it, but for a moment he states, "If I did what I feel like doing right now, I would just have you take this away from me. But its not about what I feel like doing right now...its about what I need to do."
Doubting yourself, criticizing yourself, feeling depressed, frustrated, or alone does not mean that you must be doing something awful. They are part of being a human. Evil Blaine's self-destructive patterns are not innately evil, they are attempts (albeit unhelpful attempts) my brain makes to make sense of a negative human experience.
In conclusion, I am so grateful that the tricksy Evil Blaine in the car that night, was thwarted in his plot. I have a lot of thanks to give for that:
Thanks to Lindsay who saw behind the mask.
Thanks to Heavenly Father for loving all of me.
Thanks to China for offering perspective.
and frankly...
A pat on the back to me, for eventually choosing whats right for me, not him.
