Monday, October 5, 2015

The Scarlet Pimpernel and Facing My Demons

Reader Beware: The following is a story filled with intense emotion, suffering, and pain. If you proceed, I cannot be held responsible for the amount of trauma you may experience. I am however, a counselor, and looking to expand my private practice, so...we could schedule an appointment if you needed to. The following is the true to life, never before published story of how I, Blaine Hickman, survived...

not getting the lead in my high school musical. 

I know...you are already amazed...

Right about now you are saying things to yourself like, "Impossible! How on earth did you survive such treachery?" or perhaps, "Surely no man could do such things!" 

But it's true I tell you! 

Ok...for realsies though, up to this 16 year old point in my life, I had experienced some very unhappy and disappointing things, but not getting the lead in my high school musical was probably the first extreme disappointment I had had in my life. Lame? Sure. But think about what was super important to you when you were 16 years old...I'm sure there was an element of lame in there somewhere. This experience, however lame it might have been, literally changed my life. It has become one of those sucky life experiences that I am truly grateful for. 

I was a pretty involved kid in high school. I did choir and student government, I had several friends and got pretty good grades. But for me, what I imagined to be the pinnacle of my high school career and what I worked on up until that point was to be the lead in the musical. And truth be known...the odds were working in my favor, if I do say so myself. I mean, I don't want to brag or anything, but I was one of only two sophomores that made the Productions team (please, hold your applause until the end) and the other sophomore was Nick...and everybody knew he was a weirdo.
Head Waiter...and his assistant...in Hello Dolly

My junior year I was a bit miffed when The Weirdo got "head waiter" and I got "assistant head-waiter" in Hello Dolly, and his part in the dinner theater was slightly better than mine but these were easily justified away. "I'm glad I don't have to have the part where I have an accent." "I wanted the fun-loving part instead of the romantic guy anyway." You know, that kind of stuff.  At the end of our Junior year it was announced that the main-stage musical being done the next year was "The Scarlet Pimpernel."

Everything was primed. I was going to be a senior, and the title role of the musical was a male character. I was charged and ready to fight for that title role, but I also had a safety net: there was a villain lead that was male as well. (By now, The Weirdo had been upgraded to...lets say...quirky frenemy) So if Quirky Frenemy came with his A-game, I'd be disappointed but not totally desolated. Everyone loves an amazing villain, right?


I may or may not have practiced this pose in the mirror.
I worked for a shocking amount of months on my audition song and monologue. The teacher/director, Mr. Ferrin, told us that he wanted us to go against decorum and prepare stuff from the actual show for our audition songs (for those of you who may not be "in the know," typically you wouldn't audition for a show singing a song from that show. I'm sure there are lot of reasons for that, but...just don't question it). So, with this permission, I of course went straight for the Pimpernel's songs. In fact, my voice teacher (who, fun fact, is now my mother-in-law) fashioned a little medley of several of his songs so I could really sell it.

The time for auditions had arrived. I put on my specially bought outfit for the occasion (classy charcoal gray pants, and a maroon turtle-neck sweater...doesn't that just scream "artsy person in the early 2000s?"). I sang through my song, performed my monologue, and was requested to come to call-backs. Some time later I joined the 30 or so other kids on the stage for the call-backs.

Call-backs were a tumultuous mix of excitement and anxiety. We were all asked to read different parts and sing different excerpts from the show. After awhile, the group of 30 was narrowed down to 15, then more reading and singing. Eventually it was shaved down to 10,  and it was slowly becoming clearer who the director was thinking of for which parts. Its funny, but I actually remember everyone that was left when it was narrowed down to 6. There were 3 boys and 3 girls being evaluated for the 2 male and 1 female leads. The moment of truth came when he told the girls to leave and we were left with just the three of us boys. My nerves were increasing...they were clearly having a difficult time with this decision, and in the end, one of us would not be getting a lead. I was prepared to be up against Quirky McFrenemy, but this third guy was unexpected! After yet more singing and reading the three of us started to get prepared to leave when the director started giving the speech about when the cast list would be posted. I was shocked when after his speech, he told the other two to go, and asked me to stay!

He had me sing through songs for both the Pimpernel and the villain, and then read through some lines for both characters as well. Whatever nerves I had before about not getting one of the two main parts slowly started to fade away. Clearly they LOVED everything about me and were just so torn on which of the two parts would feature my very best qualities! I went home that afternoon nervous, but pretty much sure that I had locked in a lead role.

It was later than night that they posted the cast list. I was there about 20 minutes before they said they were going to post it...but I had to be sneaky because I knew that they weren't going to post it with people waiting there. So me and my two friends (who, fun fact, are now my wife and my brother-in-law) smartly waited in the bushes next to the door. The second the list was posted I sprung out of the bushes and feverishly started scanning from the top:

Percy (The Scarlet Pimpernel).....................Nick Balaich 
Marguerite....................................................Meghan Stettler
Chauvelin (the villain)..................................Brad Anderson
Armand........................................................Blaine Hickman

Wait...wait a second....what?

Something had to be wrong. Panicked, I looked at my friends, then frantically back at the list. My eyes starting to well up with tears, my heart beating faster and faster. The list went on from there of course, but I looked again and again at those top 4 names. The tears had gone from welling to falling and my panic was no longer being held inside. I could feel an audible cry ready to come out and I had to get out of there. With my two friends trailing behind me, I ran to the car, got in, closed the door, and cried so hard and intensely that my friends later told me that they couldn't tell if I was crying or laughing like a crazed lunatic. 

You would think that a kid with all of the confusion and frustration I had felt spiritually up to this point in my life that I would have had lots of reasons to feel a little angry at God (please see previous posts for wondrous tales of sexual orientation shenanigans), but I actually didn't really ever experience that...until now. I. Was. Pissed. I remember that night actually punching my bed while scream-whispering a prayer, "HOW COULD YOU LET THIS HAPPEN?! WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME?!" (and the academy award for most seriously angsty and dramatic teen goes to...). I didn't sleep at all and after awhile, my pillow wet from constantly streaming tears, I decided to just get up and go for a walk alone to nowhere (you know, just for that extra dramatic flare).

Wow. Telling that story took a really long time. And I'm sure you're probably wondering at what point I might actually get to the reason for telling this story. Well, lets get to it...and jump ahead several months. 

"Don't go to Paris Armand! Or do go...who cares?!"
By now I had accepted the fact that I didn't get the lead. I got Armand. I was Marguerite's lame little brother, that for all intents and purposes could have been removed from the plot line...and you weren't missing much. I pulled myself together however, and outwardly I tried really hard to have a good attitude. My mom had given me some good advice to just try really hard to find opportunities for random acts of kindness during rehearsals and get to know more of the kids in the show. 

I was doing...ok. But I was constantly being torn apart inside by a demon I hadn't yet identified, but that had plagued me through the whole process. A demon that I never really put a name to, but had been my constant companion all through elementary school and junior high. A demon that, I'm sad to say, continues to haunt me on an annoyingly regular basis. 

The demon? Compare-inator!...No...that sounds dumb, how about, Sir Compares-a-lot!...no, that sounds like a Care Bear...Compare-a-... Whatever, I can't think of a cool name for it...Comparison, I compared myself constantly everyday, that's the demon I'm talking about. 

I was in an eternal tennis match of "Seriously, they picked him over me?!" and "I suck so bad, of course they picked him!" One minute I'd be feeling so smug, "I bet Mr. Ferrin is sooo regretting this decision." Then minutes later, "I'm so girly and chubby, look at them, they look amazing." As rehearsals continued and the opening night got closer, the smug and pompous comparisons were dying down to a murmur and the self-deprecating ones pretty much took over and ran the show. This was especially true because the rehearsal process gave me the opportunity to spend a lot of time with and observing Nick and Brad, and I was liking them as people more and more and wanted to be better friends with them. As time drew on, I slowly began to see myself as unable to measure up in any way. This is the state of comparison that I was most used to. It is actually surprising to myself, even now, that there was a significant length of time in which I saw myself as on the winning end of a comparison because my life was full of comparing myself, especially to other boys, and coming up short. That's not to suggest, however, that being on the winning end of comparisons about this was pleasant, because it wasn't. I was just as miserable with that. 

It was about this time that we had a Seminary lesson about Ezra Taft Benson's conference talk on Pride. We were given a copy of the talk and went over it as a class, talking about various parts of it and why the concepts and ideas were important. There was SO much about that talk that was applicable to me at that time, but there was one line that hit me so hard, I read it over and over again. He said: 

Pride is ugly. It says, "If you succeed, I'm a failure."

What a miserable way to live. Always so concerned about where you rank compared with others. If the statement "if you succeed, I'm a failure" is true, then there is no feeling at peace at all. If that is true then I can't be happy for anyone doing well, because I will automatically equate their doing well as me having failed somehow. Even if it was reversed: "if you fail, I succeed" is seeing life as a competition in which my goal is to see others fail, and my success is just some kind of bonus. That isn't happy either.

Nick and me as adults in Mexico
I took that talk and decided that I was going to try to make a change in myself. I was going to try everything that I could to just be happy for Nick and Brad. To not see their being really good as a statement about how awful I was. Because the reality was that they were both really good. I kept seeing the only option as "Nick and Brad are good, so I must really suck." I wanted to try really hard to adopt the possible reality that "Nick and Brad are really good. Also, I am good." Why was my brain so determined to make their being good mean I'm really bad?! I worked really hard at it...and it was in fact, a lot of work. I had been conditioning my brain to accept this reality for so long that training it to do something else, to just be happy for others' success and not see life as a competition I was losing, was extremely challenging. 

And lets be honest...It is still extremely challenging in many ways. 

Over the years I have improved my confidence (the real confidence, the kind that sees my worth and value being unchanged or hindered by someone else doing well) in some pretty profound ways in my life. I no longer walk into a group of men and immediately feel like a loser. I feel like I'm a good friend for the most part, and its not too hard to just be glad when I see my friends and family accomplishing great things in their personal, professional, and spiritual lives. But, if I'm honest, that old demon, Compare-i-tron (yeah, that doesn't work either), comes back far too often when say, I'm at the gym and he tells me that I'm a fat slob compared to the David statues walking around everywhere Or when I'm sitting in church and everyone is moving in and out of leadership positions, and I'm over here like, "for the love of Pete, will you men just come to choir practice for the Christmas program already?! Its been 4 years!" (note to anyone in my ward that might read this...this should not indicate to anyone that I'm dying to be in a leadership position, on the contrary I'm glad to have my low key calling, I say this strictly to illustrate the whole issue of Comparinor the Terrible). 

The point is, over the years comparing myself to others has robbed me of being happy in otherwise completely satisfactory situations, and I'm tired of it. 

I want to change, and I know that the first step in changing is stepping out of hiding places. To stop using other people's success as a hiding place for my insecurities to fester and grow. I have to own the demon of comparison as my responsibility to change, and to start recognizing when it is engaging with me. When I hear and recognize its whispering I have to stop, calmly face it, and say "no thanks. I appreciate what you are trying to do, you're trying to make sense of this situation, but I've learned by now that you don't really know what you are talking about," and then make a deliberate decision to be satisfied with my efforts and value. 

I know that just like every other demon that exists in my life, if I just calmly stop feeding it what it wants, it eventually gets bored and walks away. 


*Disclaimer*
Please note that the previously mentioned story is the emotional account of a 16 year old. My account of the situation might have painted a picture of Mr. Ferrin that makes him seem like a jerk or something but let me assure you, he is not. He was SO gracious and good to me that year. In fact, if any of you have known me long enough to remember having seen The Scarlet Pimpernel, you might remember that Armand kept showing up in strange places and singing lines of songs that were not his to sing. Mr. Ferrin and the production staff gave my character lines and songs that weren't written in the script. I'm sure that was because he recognized my dismay and did what he could to help my poor fragile ego. Later in the year single cast me as the only one single cast in a show where the other parts were triple cast! He really was and is a wonderful guy and I'm so happy to occasionally get to still have association with him. 
Also, Nick and Brad have become a couple of the most important friendships of my life. Brad is such a truly good and talented person and Nick and I laugh today about how I thought he was a weirdo when I first knew him. In reality, I was competing with myself during those years because Nick was, and continues to be, such a kind and generous friend, helping me in more ways than I know he even recognizes.

Monday, July 20, 2015

"I'm Scared of Your God:" Some Thoughts About What Mormons Call "The Plan of Salvation"

My little sister hates when people talk about their dreams. She very hilariously informed us of this, when a group of our close friends were hanging out together. Josh had just finished telling us about a funny dream he had when the conversation paused for a second, and she chimed in,

"Guys, I've been meaning to tell you...I really hate it when people talk about dreams they've had..."

Smooth Beth, Smooth.
(We all laughed hysterically)

So, despite the fact that Beth will likely roll her eyes, I'm going to tell you about one of the most vivid and traumatizing dreams I've ever had in my life.

It happened when I was a sophomore in high school. At this time (you might recall from previous posts) I was struggling secretly with issues of pornography and worrying a lot about being attracted to men. I was very active in church, and valued that experience a great deal, but my understanding of the gospel at that time combined with my drive to always be seen as a "good kid" most often created a sense of not ever really feeling good enough.

In the dream there was all sorts of calamity. Earthquakes, volcanoes, tornadoes, and all manner of riots everywhere. My family and I were trying hard to get from point A to point B (it escapes me where we were going or what was motivating us) but we were in the middle of all of this, and trying desperately to make sure that we all stayed together. After some time, the turmoil settled, and in the quiet you could hear sobs of sadness while everyone surveyed the carnage. Happily, however, my family remained all alive and together. Suddenly, we saw in the sky what appeared to be three giant planets. After standing in awe for some time, someone in my family stated "it's the three kingdoms!" (A reference that I will explain in more detail later for those of you not familiar with Mormon doctrine...essentially the 3 Kingdoms are three degrees of glory, sort of like three "levels" of heaven, to which God's children go to after judgement...again....more on that later).  At that moment, everyone started floating. Just up at first, and then in the direction of the planets. To my horror, my entire family started floating toward the Celestial Kingdom (the highest degree of glory), and I started being pulled to the Telestial Kingdom (the lowest of the three). We reached for each other, frantically. Screaming and crying we slowly drifted farther and farther away, them together and heading toward happiness and God, and me alone.

It was awful. I woke up sobbing, and couldn't stop thinking about it for several days. Its crazy how even writing about it now gives me a nervous feeling because it just seemed so real and terrifying.

This was a reflection on what I thought about myself and my fate at the time. I was trying really hard to do what I was supposed to do, but despite any effort, I was pretty certain that I would never be good enough, that I had failed the test, and that God was not happy with me. In theory he loved everyone, but in practice...I just pissed him off.

I want to take a minute now to explain the Plan of Salvation to those who may not know what I'm talking about, and to do that, I want to show you a picture:
This picture, or something very similar to this picture, is quite familiar to someone who has grown up in the LDS Faith. It is a concept that puts our mortal life into perspective, and answers for many people the questions related to "who am I?" "Where did we come from?" "Where are we going?" You know, the big ones.

Basically, we were created by God and lived with him in the Preexistence. Somewhere along the way there was a great debate about how we should progress, learn, and gain experience. Satan offered a plan in which he would make everyone obey and do what they were "supposed" to do so that God wouldn't lose anyone due to their own idiocy. Christ, however, offered to fulfill God's plan in which everyone would have the ability to choose (thus, actually learning something) and as far as mistakes that would separate them from God, he said basically, "I'll take care of it." and offered himself as a sacrifice to pay for everyone's mistakes. Those who fought for Satan's plan were upset when they didn't win and they were cast out of heaven, making a choice that left them unable to progress any further, and the rest of us put our trust in Christ to pick up the bill and set out to begin learning. Yes, I say "us" because we Mormons are brazen enough to state that if you are here on Earth, you chose to follow Christ and ultimately God. "Good job!"

We leave the Preexistence, and are born. This changes us from strictly spirit beings, to gaining and learning to manage a physical body. We pass through a veil so we cannot remember our pre-earth life (creating the need for faith). We grow up, we make mistakes and fall, we learn, we study, we experience, and eventually...we die. At this point our body and spirit separate and we go to the Spirit World, more specifically (and not pictured here) to Spirit Paradise or Spirit Prison. We are taught that those who didn't have the opportunity to hear and accept the gospel will be taught here, and after this comes the Judgement and Resurrection. Christ, the only one who has a perfect understanding of each human's experience (remember...that "he suffered for everyone's mistakes" part I mentioned earlier), is the judge. He determines which kingdom each person goes to. (I recognize that to someone who didn't grow up with all of this stuff it might seem very Dora The Explorer: 'go over crocodile bridge, around volcano mountain, and through the magical forest!' But taught and understood through spiritual eyes and feelings, it starts to make more sense. Its actually very poetic and beautiful). 

What isn't clear on this picture (but is often explained in Sunday School) is that the Terrestrial and Telestial Kingdoms, while having a substantial degree of happiness and joy (they are a 'degree' of glory, after all) indicate an end of progression. You are here for your existence (which again...not a bad place to be for eternity, but certainly not ideal). Ideal for Mormon's is the Celestial Kingdom. This is not just because it is the highest degree of glory, or just because this is where God is present, but because it is here in which progression continues. We can continue to learn, study, grow, experience, and create.

This is where the whole idea that "Mormon's believe they become Gods after they die" comes in. If we continue to progress, and grow, and learn, over the course of eternity we will eventually become like God and have the knowledge and abilities he has. It's a lot to learn, but...it's eternity folks. We don't get zapped with lightening and suddenly we are Zeus. We learn, grow, create, experience, etc. and eventually we get there.

So...Why have I taken you on this crash course of Mormon Beliefs: 101?  Because I want to point out something I believe to be very true, and something that I believe is a problem for many people in the church, which has implications on how we see, treat, and interact with those outside of the church.

Take a second and go back up to the picture. Depending on what kind of screen you are reading this on, the measurements will be different, but I want you to take a quick measurement of the distance between the line that says "death" and the line that says "judgement and resurrection." Go ahead...go look...I'll wait.

Hi, welcome back.

So what did you get? An inch or two? Three? If it's bigger than three then your computer screen is insane and I bet you paid too much for it. The point is, when putting this plan on to one paper those two lines are deceivingly close together, and I think that sets in our primary, "Popcorn-popping-on-the-apricot-tree-minds" that the time between death and judgement is very limited, and I want to tell you why I believe that it just isn't, and why that's important.

I truly, and wholeheartedly believe that anyone who truly wants the Celestial Kingdom will get it, and I don't say that to mean that "people who really want the Celestial Kingdom will live Celestial lives." I mean, that if after all of your experience, even if you have made a gabillion mistakes, if your heart truly wants, and is willing to put in the work (work that is done both here and in the Spirit World) for the Celestial Kingdom you will get it. We are working with eternal time here. Isn't it possible that the space between death and judgement might be millions of what we measure as years? Don't you think that if what we truly desire is to be with God, that God is going to provide the time to allow that to happen? This is not to say that we earn our salvation, because without Christ...ain't nobody gettin' in there. But we certainly will be granted the opportunity to learn what we need to in order to prepare us for Celestial Glory, right? I can't imagine a God that would see anyone working hard to be with him who would say "Welp, Judgement Day is here and you didn't make the cut." When people talk about seeing God in that way, I usually say something like, "I'm scared of your God."

"WELL..."you might say emphatically, "are you saying that it doesn't really matter what you do in this life, so we should just 'eat, drink, and be merry' and then we can take the time to correct things after we die and before judgement?!" You are such a little perfectionist, aren't you?

The answer to that is, of course, "no." We need to keep trying and strive to live the commandments and be good people, but not because we are scared of dying and not making it, but because we love God, we love Christ, and we want to do as they would have us do. I know too many people who walk through life absolutely sure that they will never be good enough for God and that they are doomed to some lesser glory because they just can't get things figured out...and that's just nonsense to me. If you want it, you will be able to get it, and that is the true mercy and grace of God and his son Jesus. We can't constrict God to our concept of time. If you are trying and you want it, you will have all the time you need.

"WELL..." you might stubbornly retort again, "that would pretty much just mean that everyone makes it to the Celestial Kingdom because who isn't going to want that?!"  And, you my friend, are right...and stop talking to me in that tone.

Despite what might be popular belief, the Celestial Kingdom is not going to be an exclusive resort/club for Mormons. I'm convinced that it will be full of all kinds of people who led all kinds of different lives on Earth. They made mistakes and walked various paths, but through faith and being taught by the spirit, with a subsequent decision to become more than what they were, they choose God, they choose Christ, and choose service.

Yes, service. I believe the other kingdoms exist because there will be people who honestly don't want Celestial Glory. Maybe it will be pride that will keep them from those blessings, but lets be honest folks, Celestial Glory will be hard work! It will be a lot of learning and experiencing and ultimately creating and serving others. I imagine that God is a pretty busy guy. My guess is that not everyone is going to want to sign up for an eternity of that. "Entering into his rest" I think probably is more about entering into his peace, not entering into his land of chaise lounges and platters of grapes.

I have one more related point (are you still reading?!)

Mormons often refer to this life as a "test." Meaning that God sent us to earth and gave us the opportunity to learn and grow and we are being "tested" to see if we will be true to his commandments in this life, proving our worthiness to enter into His presence in the next life.

I REALLY dislike this metaphor and decided to stop using it a long time ago. What an awful test! We went through a veil that made us forget everything before we could take it, and then if you think about all the people that have ever lived or will live on Earth the only people who have had access to what we believe is the fullness of truth...its microscopic! It seems like a horribly unfair test.

It makes more sense to me to see this life as a grand opportunity. With a mortal body and the need for faith, we have the opportunity to do a whole lot of progressing in a short amount of time. When you combine that opportunity with having the knowledge of the Gospel, our ability to progress can be astounding! By the time we hit that "death" bar on the diagram, people like President Hinckley, Mother Theresa, and Lindsay Hickman will be a lot more advanced than me in this whole progression thing...but again...its not a race, and if I want it, I can get it.

This "opportunity instead of a test" perspective also helps me to really appreciate my own unique experience here on Earth. Because while Gordon, Ms. Theresa, and Lindsay have become such good people in their lifetime, none of them have experienced being a 6 foot, near-sighted, occasionally neurotic, gay male with genetically awful teeth. And if we are to become like God, who knows everything, they are going to have to learn something about those things. A friend of mine, and fellow member of the LDS Church once asked me, "so...do you think that as you go through eternity, you will become more and more straight?" I thought about it for a minute and answered, "maybe, but I think you will become more and more gay. We all have to learn everything!" If I have taken the opportunity to progress as much as I can with my unique circumstances, I will be good and ready to help others learn what I learned, and they can help me. Again, perhaps this is more of the service we may be called on to do in eternity.

Once again, to those with not a lot of exposure to this stuff, I can see that these might all seem confusing and mystical, but I just want to take the opportunity to say that my faith and belief is that all of this crazy stuff is true. I know that God lives.We don't need to be scared of him! I know that he loves all of us. ALL of us. What evidence do I have that he does? Well...a lot. But the biggest evidence by far is the offering of his Son so that I could have the experiences that I need to experience, to learn what I need to learn, without the pressure of needing to be perfect.

Saturday, June 27, 2015

A Step Toward Morality: Reasons For Mormons To Be Ok With Gay Marriage

I know, I know. Your Facebook feed is all rainbow-ed out and your head is spinning with various voices and opinions screaming their support or disgust of the recent decision by the Supreme Court to legalize gay marriage nationally. You maybe have scrolled through unsure of which posts to "like" or where to comment; "Should I say something about my testimony of the sanctity of marriage?" "Should I tell my gay friend I'm happy for them?" "Should I post the official church's response to the ruling?" "Should I rainbow-ify my profile picture?" I know...life is hard...both real life and Facebook life. But let me interrupt your stewing on the matter for a little story about someone who is quite possibly your favorite person: Me (of course!)

Once upon a time, Blaine was sitting in the Library at Fairfield Junior High. This slightly chubby, but loveable 7th grader was there with his English Class learning how to utilize library tools and resources to write an essay (a standard 5 paragraph one, of course) about the topic of their choosing. Blaine hated school, and spent many evenings of his 7th grade year, crying to his mother, asking her to send him to some sort of LDS private school he had heard existed in Salt Lake City. He naively believed that a religious school would magically turn 12 and 13 year old brace-faced drama monsters into kind and caring peers. You see, Blaine was constantly consumed with trying to avoid being called "gay" and was quite frankly, failing miserably. Unfortunately, the feminine qualities in the way he spoke and his argyle sweater vests worn to school instead of sensibly to church were a dead give away. His inexcusable lack of knowledge regarding professional sports and his ridiculous ability to be able to notice when a teacher got her hair cut were also clear bate for the zit-faced sharks.

While searching the shelves of the library, probably for a book about Russian palaces (yeah...this kid was really bad at hiding), Blaine clearly forgot about the most obvious tell-tale sign of gaydom. 

"Hey Blaine, put your hand up on the shelf for a second." A particularly ruthless meany-pants and his curly haired female had smelled the vulnerability from a mile away. 

"Why?" Blaine nervously laughed, obviously weirded out that this alpha-brat even knew his name. 

"Just do it, we want to see something." The bushy-tailed female said with a smile, the elastics on her braces all red and pink, cleverly matching the February holiday. 

Blaine lifted up his hand and set it on the shelf, stupidly and obviously not realizing what damning evidence he was placing before them!

"See...he wears his sweatshirt sleeve halfway over his hand like a girl...totally gay." The alpha and his female walk away, puff chested, proud, and totally awesome. 

"WHAT?!" Blaine panicked to himself "I thought I just had short arms?! I didn't know this was a sign that I'm gay?! Do all gay people have short arms?! Blaine quickly scanned the library, desperately searching for long sleeves.

Later, Blaine tearfully walks home from school, and makes a deeply engrained mental note: "sleeves halfway over hands...another way people totally know your gay." 

So...I hope that this story will relay a few potentially helpful points of information: 
 1. Junior High is the ABSOLUTE worst! If you know someone currently in Junior High, stop reading now and go give them a hug and tell them you love them. Even if they aren't obviously super-gay. My years of experience have taught me that the alpha male in that story most likely had a miserable experience in Junior High as well, and his hunting for girly-boys to make fun of was probably a product of his total lack of self-esteem. So...hugs all around for the tweens!

2. That loveable gay was TERRIFIED of his feelings, and 100% sure that if anyone knew that he was attracted to boys that it would be THE WORST thing that could possibly ever happen! The fear he had of being found out was so profound that it took him years to even admit to himself that his feelings actually existed. 

I wish that this story was not a common one. I wish that this was something that used to happen a long time ago, but that Ellen and the gay characters on Glee (one of which is named Blaine!) have made it totally cool to just let go and be OK with being different in Junior High, but...its just not true. I work with teenagers everyday, and I can assure you...we aren't there.

There is another part of this story that isn't so commonly talked about. Scared of his feelings, and sure that he was messed up somehow, this kid retreated into himself and refused to talk to even trusted adults about it. He got caught up and lost in pornography and fantasy, hating himself every time, but having no other real place to express or understand these feelings. Addicted, he struggled for years to let go of it but was largely unsuccessful. And he was lucky! Other kids like him get involved in much deeper darkness. With technology of today, within 5 minutes a teenager, gay or straight, can download an App and instantly be connected to men and women of all ages who are ready to have sex. Literally, an App can tell you "someone within 2000 feet of you is looking to hookup." Can you imagine the damage and danger a kid who is living in secrecy and shame can get into?! There is SO much immorality in the world ready to pounce on kids who are unsure of themselves and scared of their feelings. 

In my experience working with and personally acquainted with the gay community, so many of the stereotypes and/or problems that exist there are exact products of a community of people who have grown up in shame. A whole population of people who were scared of their feelings and worried about their future. 

Here we have another "crochet it on a pillow" statement because it is something I say very frequently in therapy: People who are used to living in an extreme do not generally default to a nice balance, they often default to the opposite extreme. 

If you are a kid who has grown up in shame and secrecy, your self-hatred has conditioned you to live your life compulsively following the rules and being a "good kid." Think of the gay people you know. There is a good chance that when they were a kid you thought they were the "golden child," always following the rules and over-achieving. They live their life in an extreme of perfection. The opposite extreme that is so commonly defaulted to is what is often talked about as the problems with the gay community: frequent and various sexual partners, drugs, alcohol, etc..

What does this have to do with gay marriage being legal and becoming common-place? 

Gay marriage encourages commitment, fidelity, and stability in the gay community. If the 7th grade Blaine's of the world were able to see gay couples getting married and starting families, homosexuality being talked about in a respectful and open way, and the culture of society being understanding for those whose lives our different than ours, then perhaps they wouldn't feel so scared of their feelings. Perhaps they wouldn't retreat into secret immorality to understand and explore what they are experiencing, and perhaps the stereotypes and/or problems with the gay community would slowly disappear. 

"BUT!" I know many of you will say, "If 7th grade Blaine had seen gay couples and homosexuality as commonplace and tolerated, don't you think that he would have made different choices? Don't you think he would have started dating guys? Don't you think that he would have not ended up marrying Lindsay and having his three beautiful children?" and to that I say..."maybe." 

However, I truly believe that as members of the LDS Church, we have to put a lot more trust in our youth to have all of the knowledge available, and to make choices that are guided by the spirit, NOT guided by shame and self-hatred. Is it possible that if society had been different, that I would have made different choices, yes, I own that as a possibility. But it is possible that I would have made the same choices, but motivated by different feelings. 

Whatever society tolerated and accepted, I know that my parents would have taught me the gospel. They would have taught me the importance of eternal families and temple marriage. And then they would have done exactly what I am doing with my children, and said things like "Cousin Dan is coming over with his husband, Bryan. They don't have the same beliefs as we do about temple marriage, but we really love them and are excited to see them." 

I was always certain that as society grew to be more accepting of homosexuality that it would become harder and harder to continue making the choices that I have made, but honestly, it really hasn't. Because I didn't marry Lindsay because society told me I had to. I married her because I felt very sure that God wanted me to, and because I love her so much. 

If any one of our gay LDS youth decide that they want to stay true to covenants that they make in baptism and in the temple...I, for one, want them to make that decision because they had all information and decided to act in faith and devotion, not because they were scared and shameful. 

While you might be morally opposed to homosexuality, is it possible to see that gay marriage might be a step toward, not away from increased morality? 

The 31 year old Blaine says, "yes." 

I hope that the Supreme Court ruling will help our LDS youth, especially those experiencing same-sex attractions, to feel a little less weird. I also hope that the ruling will provide new hope for my gay friends to find what I have: a committed and happy marriage.

Tuesday, June 2, 2015

Jumping to Conclusions about Mr. (Ms.) Jenner

Let me start out by stating something that you already know: I'm not your dad  (I guess I should clarify that, unless you are George, Fred, or Will Hickman... I'm not your dad).  You can draw some conclusions from the fact that I'm not your dad, such as 1.) If I wear socks with sandals, its because its in style and not because I'm a nerd who doesn't know about fashion. 2.) All of my jokes are funny. 3.) I can't tell you what to do.  The third conclusion just listed will be especially important for you to remember as I am about to tell you what opinion you should have about someone in pop-culture. People don't like being told what to do...so, I thought I would warn you that it was coming, that way you could choose to click away or move forward with caution.

As I'm not deluding myself into thinking that this blog is read by an extremely wide audience, the focus of my comments are directed toward people with a religious background who might find themselves experiencing strong feelings about the recent coming out of Caitlyn Jenner on the cover of Vanity Fair. I'm also not deluding myself into thinking that I am always right (except for when it comes to Saved by the Bell or Lord of the Rings Trivia) and so I can accept and deal with the fact that there might be opinions different than mine...but let me tell you why mine is right. ;)

Let me get this out of the way: Gender identity issues and sexual orientation issues are NOT the same thing. Many people don't make a distinction between these two things and I can assure you that they are very much different.

You might think that you know something about gender identity issues, but I'm pretty sure you don't. That sounded rude...but its less rude if I'm lumping myself into the same category, right? Rude or not, I have had enough experience with issues related to human sexuality to know that MOST people do not have enough working knowledge about gender identity issues to be able to form a reasonable opinion about the subject...myself included. The issues are so varied and complex and so deeply rooted into a person's sense of self, that it is almost impossible to understand on any level the experience unless you personally experience gender identity issues or are personally acquainted with someone experiencing it and have the opportunity to speak very openly and frankly about the subject. With so few transgendered individuals open about their experiences, especially in the religious community, it makes sense that there is so much unknown and misunderstood about the topic.

I have had the amazing and humbling opportunity through my involvement with North Star International over the last 6 months to be introduced and affiliated with several LDS Church members whose experiences with gender identity issues range from quietly and privately coping to very publicly sharing their experiences and I have gained such a greater and deeper understanding of such a complex and involved issue.

Even before we are born, as soon as our gender is identified, some semblance of a life plan is mapped out for us. Imagine, if you can, from the moment you have the ability to recollect memory you feel like you don't fit, like you are out of place in your own body, like something at the very core of your being isn't right. Imagine the confusion and frustration you might feel growing up with these feelings becoming more and more intense as gender roles continue to split further and further apart. The contradiction is much more than just a preference of preferring female clothing over male clothing or enjoying predominately male activities over female...it is a discomfort in your own body, in your identity as a man or a woman.

If you are LDS, none of the typical answers seem to work. With virtually no mention of the issue in scripture, and almost zero direction from modern prophets on the issue (really folks...there is very little), church members with gender identity issues are often left to seek out personal revelation on what to do with these feelings. I recently read an article in which someone (who clearly does not understand the topic very well) cited over and over again the Proclamation on the Family and the importance of gender and the roles played by each. The article insisted that gender dysphoria and transgenderedness was a product of a society that didn't appreciate the importance of these roles. I would argue that few people truly appreciate the importance of gender roles more than a transgendered individual. They KNOW that the roles of a man or a woman are important, that isn't the issue, they just truly do not feel like they belong in their biologically given one.

Lindsay and I had what we feel was a life changing experience at the recent North Star conference to sit in and observe a panel discussion with several transgendered LDS members and another panel of the families and spouses of transgendered individuals. It has been a long time since I have felt the spirit that strong, and the reality is, their experiences were very different from each other's.  Some individuals feel very strongly that their spirit is female, and they have been challenged in this life to be born as a man. Some people feel that this is an earthly experience that will not be with them for eternity. Some individuals dress as their identified gender to attend church meetings, others feel convicted to presenting as their biological gender. These experiences range in their presentation but it was clear that each of them strives to stay close to God, and none of them...I repeat...none of them came to any decisions about the direction that their lives should take lightly.


There has been a lot of conversation about these issues recently with the Vanity Fair story of the transition of Bruce Jenner to Caitlyn Jenner. And frankly, there have been a lot of really ignorant and stupid things said. Like when Mike Huckabee said,

“Now, I wish that someone told me that when I was in high school that I could have felt like a woman when it came time to take showers. I’m pretty sure that I would have found my feminine side and said, ‘Coach, I think I’d rather shower with the girls today,’ ” Clearly, this is coming from a person that doesn't understand the issue, who has never spoken to anyone who actually identifies as transgender and taken the time get really get it.

To make the assumption that Bruce Jenner just "didn't like" being a man or that he "preferred femininity" is to discount the complexity of the issue of gender identity incongruence. I feel like anyone that assumes that someone who is transgender is just seeking attention really should seek out more information on the subject (I'll provide a couple of links at the end of this). You may not feel like Caitlyn Jenner should be held up as a hero of any kind, but shouldn't you, as a good person, try to understand why people feel like she is a hero and maybe have some empathy for that cause?

I understand a moral opposition based in religious beliefs to the decision to surgically transition from one gender to another, but I also understand that people who are screaming that opposition from their blogs and websites seem to be doing so with a tone of unkindness that makes me feel like their opinion is more about them than it is about the issue.

In the end, I guess I am not telling you exactly what opinion to have of Caitlyn Jenner (I'm not nearly assertive enough to do that kind of thing). I am however requesting/suggesting/encouraging you to learn more about the issue before you might jump on the bandwagon of making assumptions about the topic and creating opinions about such a complex issue.

I've said it before, and I will say it again. I want people to stand up for what they believe in. Everybody. That is what it means to have integrity. The world is a better place when people have integrity. But "stand up" nicely, and with kindness. You will feel better, and truthfully people will be more inclined to listen.

A couple resources with LDS Interest:
- Journeys of Faith
- TransMormon