A Step Toward Morality: Reasons For Mormons To Be Ok With Gay Marriage

I know, I know. Your Facebook feed is all rainbow-ed out and your head is spinning with various voices and opinions screaming their support or disgust of the recent decision by the Supreme Court to legalize gay marriage nationally. You maybe have scrolled through unsure of which posts to "like" or where to comment; "Should I say something about my testimony of the sanctity of marriage?" "Should I tell my gay friend I'm happy for them?" "Should I post the official church's response to the ruling?" "Should I rainbow-ify my profile picture?" I know...life is hard...both real life and Facebook life. But let me interrupt your stewing on the matter for a little story about someone who is quite possibly your favorite person: Me (of course!)

Once upon a time, Blaine was sitting in the Library at Fairfield Junior High. This slightly chubby, but loveable 7th grader was there with his English Class learning how to utilize library tools and resources to write an essay (a standard 5 paragraph one, of course) about the topic of their choosing. Blaine hated school, and spent many evenings of his 7th grade year, crying to his mother, asking her to send him to some sort of LDS private school he had heard existed in Salt Lake City. He naively believed that a religious school would magically turn 12 and 13 year old brace-faced drama monsters into kind and caring peers. You see, Blaine was constantly consumed with trying to avoid being called "gay" and was quite frankly, failing miserably. Unfortunately, the feminine qualities in the way he spoke and his argyle sweater vests worn to school instead of sensibly to church were a dead give away. His inexcusable lack of knowledge regarding professional sports and his ridiculous ability to be able to notice when a teacher got her hair cut were also clear bate for the zit-faced sharks.

While searching the shelves of the library, probably for a book about Russian palaces (yeah...this kid was really bad at hiding), Blaine clearly forgot about the most obvious tell-tale sign of gaydom. 

"Hey Blaine, put your hand up on the shelf for a second." A particularly ruthless meany-pants and his curly haired female had smelled the vulnerability from a mile away. 

"Why?" Blaine nervously laughed, obviously weirded out that this alpha-brat even knew his name. 

"Just do it, we want to see something." The bushy-tailed female said with a smile, the elastics on her braces all red and pink, cleverly matching the February holiday. 

Blaine lifted up his hand and set it on the shelf, stupidly and obviously not realizing what damning evidence he was placing before them!

"See...he wears his sweatshirt sleeve halfway over his hand like a girl...totally gay." The alpha and his female walk away, puff chested, proud, and totally awesome. 

"WHAT?!" Blaine panicked to himself "I thought I just had short arms?! I didn't know this was a sign that I'm gay?! Do all gay people have short arms?! Blaine quickly scanned the library, desperately searching for long sleeves.

Later, Blaine tearfully walks home from school, and makes a deeply engrained mental note: "sleeves halfway over hands...another way people totally know your gay." 

So...I hope that this story will relay a few potentially helpful points of information: 
 1. Junior High is the ABSOLUTE worst! If you know someone currently in Junior High, stop reading now and go give them a hug and tell them you love them. Even if they aren't obviously super-gay. My years of experience have taught me that the alpha male in that story most likely had a miserable experience in Junior High as well, and his hunting for girly-boys to make fun of was probably a product of his total lack of self-esteem. So...hugs all around for the tweens!

2. That loveable gay was TERRIFIED of his feelings, and 100% sure that if anyone knew that he was attracted to boys that it would be THE WORST thing that could possibly ever happen! The fear he had of being found out was so profound that it took him years to even admit to himself that his feelings actually existed. 

I wish that this story was not a common one. I wish that this was something that used to happen a long time ago, but that Ellen and the gay characters on Glee (one of which is named Blaine!) have made it totally cool to just let go and be OK with being different in Junior High, but...its just not true. I work with teenagers everyday, and I can assure you...we aren't there.

There is another part of this story that isn't so commonly talked about. Scared of his feelings, and sure that he was messed up somehow, this kid retreated into himself and refused to talk to even trusted adults about it. He got caught up and lost in pornography and fantasy, hating himself every time, but having no other real place to express or understand these feelings. Addicted, he struggled for years to let go of it but was largely unsuccessful. And he was lucky! Other kids like him get involved in much deeper darkness. With technology of today, within 5 minutes a teenager, gay or straight, can download an App and instantly be connected to men and women of all ages who are ready to have sex. Literally, an App can tell you "someone within 2000 feet of you is looking to hookup." Can you imagine the damage and danger a kid who is living in secrecy and shame can get into?! There is SO much immorality in the world ready to pounce on kids who are unsure of themselves and scared of their feelings. 

In my experience working with and personally acquainted with the gay community, so many of the stereotypes and/or problems that exist there are exact products of a community of people who have grown up in shame. A whole population of people who were scared of their feelings and worried about their future. 

Here we have another "crochet it on a pillow" statement because it is something I say very frequently in therapy: People who are used to living in an extreme do not generally default to a nice balance, they often default to the opposite extreme. 

If you are a kid who has grown up in shame and secrecy, your self-hatred has conditioned you to live your life compulsively following the rules and being a "good kid." Think of the gay people you know. There is a good chance that when they were a kid you thought they were the "golden child," always following the rules and over-achieving. They live their life in an extreme of perfection. The opposite extreme that is so commonly defaulted to is what is often talked about as the problems with the gay community: frequent and various sexual partners, drugs, alcohol, etc..

What does this have to do with gay marriage being legal and becoming common-place? 

Gay marriage encourages commitment, fidelity, and stability in the gay community. If the 7th grade Blaine's of the world were able to see gay couples getting married and starting families, homosexuality being talked about in a respectful and open way, and the culture of society being understanding for those whose lives our different than ours, then perhaps they wouldn't feel so scared of their feelings. Perhaps they wouldn't retreat into secret immorality to understand and explore what they are experiencing, and perhaps the stereotypes and/or problems with the gay community would slowly disappear. 

"BUT!" I know many of you will say, "If 7th grade Blaine had seen gay couples and homosexuality as commonplace and tolerated, don't you think that he would have made different choices? Don't you think he would have started dating guys? Don't you think that he would have not ended up marrying Lindsay and having his three beautiful children?" and to that I say..."maybe." 

However, I truly believe that as members of the LDS Church, we have to put a lot more trust in our youth to have all of the knowledge available, and to make choices that are guided by the spirit, NOT guided by shame and self-hatred. Is it possible that if society had been different, that I would have made different choices, yes, I own that as a possibility. But it is possible that I would have made the same choices, but motivated by different feelings. 

Whatever society tolerated and accepted, I know that my parents would have taught me the gospel. They would have taught me the importance of eternal families and temple marriage. And then they would have done exactly what I am doing with my children, and said things like "Cousin Dan is coming over with his husband, Bryan. They don't have the same beliefs as we do about temple marriage, but we really love them and are excited to see them." 

I was always certain that as society grew to be more accepting of homosexuality that it would become harder and harder to continue making the choices that I have made, but honestly, it really hasn't. Because I didn't marry Lindsay because society told me I had to. I married her because I felt very sure that God wanted me to, and because I love her so much. 

If any one of our gay LDS youth decide that they want to stay true to covenants that they make in baptism and in the temple...I, for one, want them to make that decision because they had all information and decided to act in faith and devotion, not because they were scared and shameful. 

While you might be morally opposed to homosexuality, is it possible to see that gay marriage might be a step toward, not away from increased morality? 

The 31 year old Blaine says, "yes." 

I hope that the Supreme Court ruling will help our LDS youth, especially those experiencing same-sex attractions, to feel a little less weird. I also hope that the ruling will provide new hope for my gay friends to find what I have: a committed and happy marriage.

Jumping to Conclusions about Mr. (Ms.) Jenner

Let me start out by stating something that you already know: I'm not your dad  (I guess I should clarify that, unless you are George, Fred, or Will Hickman... I'm not your dad).  You can draw some conclusions from the fact that I'm not your dad, such as 1.) If I wear socks with sandals, its because its in style and not because I'm a nerd who doesn't know about fashion. 2.) All of my jokes are funny. 3.) I can't tell you what to do.  The third conclusion just listed will be especially important for you to remember as I am about to tell you what opinion you should have about someone in pop-culture. People don't like being told what to do...so, I thought I would warn you that it was coming, that way you could choose to click away or move forward with caution.

As I'm not deluding myself into thinking that this blog is read by an extremely wide audience, the focus of my comments are directed toward people with a religious background who might find themselves experiencing strong feelings about the recent coming out of Caitlyn Jenner on the cover of Vanity Fair. I'm also not deluding myself into thinking that I am always right (except for when it comes to Saved by the Bell or Lord of the Rings Trivia) and so I can accept and deal with the fact that there might be opinions different than mine...but let me tell you why mine is right. ;)

Let me get this out of the way: Gender identity issues and sexual orientation issues are NOT the same thing. Many people don't make a distinction between these two things and I can assure you that they are very much different.

You might think that you know something about gender identity issues, but I'm pretty sure you don't. That sounded rude...but its less rude if I'm lumping myself into the same category, right? Rude or not, I have had enough experience with issues related to human sexuality to know that MOST people do not have enough working knowledge about gender identity issues to be able to form a reasonable opinion about the subject...myself included. The issues are so varied and complex and so deeply rooted into a person's sense of self, that it is almost impossible to understand on any level the experience unless you personally experience gender identity issues or are personally acquainted with someone experiencing it and have the opportunity to speak very openly and frankly about the subject. With so few transgendered individuals open about their experiences, especially in the religious community, it makes sense that there is so much unknown and misunderstood about the topic.

I have had the amazing and humbling opportunity through my involvement with North Star International over the last 6 months to be introduced and affiliated with several LDS Church members whose experiences with gender identity issues range from quietly and privately coping to very publicly sharing their experiences and I have gained such a greater and deeper understanding of such a complex and involved issue.

Even before we are born, as soon as our gender is identified, some semblance of a life plan is mapped out for us. Imagine, if you can, from the moment you have the ability to recollect memory you feel like you don't fit, like you are out of place in your own body, like something at the very core of your being isn't right. Imagine the confusion and frustration you might feel growing up with these feelings becoming more and more intense as gender roles continue to split further and further apart. The contradiction is much more than just a preference of preferring female clothing over male clothing or enjoying predominately male activities over female...it is a discomfort in your own body, in your identity as a man or a woman.

If you are LDS, none of the typical answers seem to work. With virtually no mention of the issue in scripture, and almost zero direction from modern prophets on the issue (really folks...there is very little), church members with gender identity issues are often left to seek out personal revelation on what to do with these feelings. I recently read an article in which someone (who clearly does not understand the topic very well) cited over and over again the Proclamation on the Family and the importance of gender and the roles played by each. The article insisted that gender dysphoria and transgenderedness was a product of a society that didn't appreciate the importance of these roles. I would argue that few people truly appreciate the importance of gender roles more than a transgendered individual. They KNOW that the roles of a man or a woman are important, that isn't the issue, they just truly do not feel like they belong in their biologically given one.

Lindsay and I had what we feel was a life changing experience at the recent North Star conference to sit in and observe a panel discussion with several transgendered LDS members and another panel of the families and spouses of transgendered individuals. It has been a long time since I have felt the spirit that strong, and the reality is, their experiences were very different from each other's.  Some individuals feel very strongly that their spirit is female, and they have been challenged in this life to be born as a man. Some people feel that this is an earthly experience that will not be with them for eternity. Some individuals dress as their identified gender to attend church meetings, others feel convicted to presenting as their biological gender. These experiences range in their presentation but it was clear that each of them strives to stay close to God, and none of them...I repeat...none of them came to any decisions about the direction that their lives should take lightly.

There has been a lot of conversation about these issues recently with the Vanity Fair story of the transition of Bruce Jenner to Caitlyn Jenner. And frankly, there have been a lot of really ignorant and stupid things said. Like when Mike Huckabee said,

“Now, I wish that someone told me that when I was in high school that I could have felt like a woman when it came time to take showers. I’m pretty sure that I would have found my feminine side and said, ‘Coach, I think I’d rather shower with the girls today,’ ” Clearly, this is coming from a person that doesn't understand the issue, who has never spoken to anyone who actually identifies as transgender and taken the time get really get it.

To make the assumption that Bruce Jenner just "didn't like" being a man or that he "preferred femininity" is to discount the complexity of the issue of gender identity incongruence. I feel like anyone that assumes that someone who is transgender is just seeking attention really should seek out more information on the subject (I'll provide a couple of links at the end of this). You may not feel like Caitlyn Jenner should be held up as a hero of any kind, but shouldn't you, as a good person, try to understand why people feel like she is a hero and maybe have some empathy for that cause?

I understand a moral opposition based in religious beliefs to the decision to surgically transition from one gender to another, but I also understand that people who are screaming that opposition from their blogs and websites seem to be doing so with a tone of unkindness that makes me feel like their opinion is more about them than it is about the issue.

In the end, I guess I am not telling you exactly what opinion to have of Caitlyn Jenner (I'm not nearly assertive enough to do that kind of thing). I am however requesting/suggesting/encouraging you to learn more about the issue before you might jump on the bandwagon of making assumptions about the topic and creating opinions about such a complex issue.

I've said it before, and I will say it again. I want people to stand up for what they believe in. Everybody. That is what it means to have integrity. The world is a better place when people have integrity. But "stand up" nicely, and with kindness. You will feel better, and truthfully people will be more inclined to listen.

A couple resources with LDS Interest:
- Journeys of Faith
- TransMormon