tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7782421620760725402024-03-05T07:33:25.255-08:00Some Stuff to ReadBlainehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10940552864136974059noreply@blogger.comBlogger19125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-778242162076072540.post-68937705355563642472020-03-18T11:47:00.000-07:002020-03-18T11:47:38.139-07:00Out in the Storm of the Pandemic<a href="https://patch.com/img/cdn20/shutterstock/22921643/20191031/112504/styles/patch_image/public/shutterstock-1366436723___31112444488.jpg?width=705" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="529" data-original-width="705" height="240" src="https://patch.com/img/cdn20/shutterstock/22921643/20191031/112504/styles/patch_image/public/shutterstock-1366436723___31112444488.jpg?width=705" width="320" /></a><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">I have always been a little terrified of storms. When I was a young kid I remember having pretty intense anxiety about building wind and rain and foreboding clouds edging nearer. The intensity of the anxiety has decreased as I've gotten older, but hasn't vanished. My mom insists that it is probably because when I was a toddler I wondered off during a storm. They found me across the street in the terrible wind and rain. Truthfully, I don't have any conscious memory of that happening. I do remember once as a little kid I was riding in the car with my family through a snowstorm in Wyoming (honestly, I don't remember if it was really even that bad) but I couldn't handle it! I had to get down onto the floor of the car, plug my ears, and close my eyes and sing a song to myself (side note: don't judge my parents for not forcing me to stay in my seatbelt...different times...). </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">Over the years of experience with this storm anxiety, I eventually learned that my fears about the whole situation actually decreased if I went outside into the storm. I'm assuming that it was my little kid brain trying to feel less out of control in a powerless situation. If I went out into the storm I knew exactly how bad it was. Watching it and hearing it from the window felt super overwhelming and scary, but getting out into it I guess made me feel like I had the full picture. My 8 year old brain could find some reassurance with "this is exactly how bad it is." </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">I remember in grad school learning about a theory in child psychology that asserts that sometimes children become an "expert" about things that are actually kind of scary to them. How many kids have you met who know about every species of dinosaur or shark? The theory suggests that when kids have a sort of unrealized fear about something they learn everything they can about it in a sort of reaction formation that reduces their anxiety. I could kind of relate to this idea. Not that I became a weather expert or anything, but in a bad storm I always felt compelled to just go out into it. When I was in it, then I knew it. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">Over the last couple of months, I have been mostly off of social media. I have still been checking Facebook occasionally at my computer when at work, but I took the apps off of my phone. Now, believe me when I tell you that I take no kind of uppity pleasure in stating that. I haven't been off of social media because I've decided I'm too cool for it or something. I was finding that my personal relationship with social media was creating a weight and anxiety in my life that I could either work through to change my relationship with it, or I could just step away from it. Frankly, it was just easier to step away. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">With all the craziness of Covid 19/Corona Virus, I have found myself back to scrolling through social media. Reading all the headlines people are posting from various news sources, finding joy in hopeful posts about quarantined streets in Italy where people are singing out of their windows, and rolling my eyes at the 3 Kabillion memes about toilet paper. I've been clicking on various posted charts explaining the spread of the virus in this country vs that country. I've been observing the interesting rise of a sort of social shaming about what various people are choosing to do or not do in the midst of all these events. Suddenly, my relationship with social media and hyperlinked information is back...with a vengeance! </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://images.ctfassets.net/oartd9t7ehdh/43FIFOKvb2OCOWY8aSy6ak/8289020913fa4e5093fffd73cb29087f/620x346-Is-Someone-Snooping-Through-Your-Phone.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><img border="0" data-original-height="346" data-original-width="620" height="178" src="https://images.ctfassets.net/oartd9t7ehdh/43FIFOKvb2OCOWY8aSy6ak/8289020913fa4e5093fffd73cb29087f/620x346-Is-Someone-Snooping-Through-Your-Phone.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">I have been observing myself in the return of this constant default to scrolling on my phone over the last few days. However, I had a full realization of the return of this relationship this morning when, here in Utah, there was an earthquake of significant size. I'm sure it was not even 60 seconds after it ended that I was on my phone, checking Facebook, making sure that it wasn't just our house! As I was sitting there scrolling through people's responses I had a moment of awareness and thought, "this is interesting that I'm doing this. Why am I doing this?" </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">I want to be clear, that I am not suggesting that there is something inherently wrong with social media. When I ask the question "Why am I doing this?" It is not at all with a condescending tone (you know that tone, when someone asks "why are you doing that?" but their tone implies their real meaning is "why are you so stupid?") but a genuine desire to understand my motives. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">As I thought about it for awhile, I realized that what I have been doing is similar to what my 8 year old self was doing to try to reduce anxiety about the storm. If I'm out in it, then I know how bad things are and that will reduce my anxiety. If I'm in the know about whats going on all over the world then that will make me less scared of whats going on. However, I'm not sure it's working. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">The heaviness and anxiety with social media I'm finding has always been that it is just too much. There are so many voices and so many opinions and so many judgements and assessments. Most of the time my mind wants to understand and know all of the perspectives so that I can be informed and that can be exhausting. If I'm honest there is also a lot of time where my mind wants to judge and condemn and scoff at other perspectives and I have found that to be is just as exhausting. It's here that I have to admit the fully hypocrisy of even having written this article. I'm here typing away, fully intending to post this to social media and I recognize I'm adding to all of the noise that I am currently writing about. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">8 year old me felt less anxious when he was out in the storm rather than watching it from the window, but was he actually safer? (I know that depends on a lot of things, like the type of storm it is and so forth...I get it's not a perfect metaphor). Feeling each gust of wind and each increase in downpour didn't keep the next one from coming. Was he tricking himself into thinking he had some kind of power over any of it? </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">I guess what I'm getting at, is that it has been helpful for me to evaluate my motives for increasing my involvement social media the last couple of weeks and that in that awareness I have found that it isn't doing for me what I want it to do. In times like this, I think it is very important to be informed, but I also think it is important to not feel compelled to have to know EVERYTHING! You can't know everything. Attempts to knowing everything will not likely help reduce anxiety if you are feeling it. This is especially true when you realize that the "everything" found in social media is a lot of assessment, judgement, opinion, and so forth. <b><u>You have permission to not know everyone's thoughts about everything</u></b>...including what I'm writing here. You officially have my permission stop reading if you want to. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">If this is at all interesting or helpful and you are still reading at this point, I wanted to just share a few things that I have learned in my experience as a therapist and in my private mindfulness/spiritual practices and study: </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">1. There is ALWAYS peace in presence. Be with things exactly as they are, without judgement or assessment. This is difficult to do when constantly scrolling through social media because 98% of what is on there is some kind of judgement or assessment of something or some situation. When we see ourselves, others, and the world as what it is, instead of through the lens of "what we think it should be" we make space for peace we didn't realize was there. Eckhart Tolle said, "Whatever the present moment contains, accept it as if you had chosen it. Always work with it, not against it -- this will miraculously transform your whole life." </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">2. With all the commotion, pain, and difficulty that Covid 19/Corona Virus has created and will continue to create it is really easy to see the virus as some kind of villain. I really believe that it adds to the stress, anxiety, and fears about everything that is happening when we internally conceptualize the virus (or any other illness for that matter) as vengeful or spiteful in some way. There is nothing sinister about Covid 19/Corona virus. It doesn't attack or infect with some kind of dark motive. It just does what it does without self-awareness or intent. Protect yourself from it, but avoid unconsciously seeing it as something evil trying to get you. It is spreading with the same motive as a beautiful wildflower. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">3. Especially during this time of social distancing, make efforts to make actual connections with people. Sometimes we can make a post on social media or scroll through the feed and we can trick ourselves into feeling like we have done meaningful connection. While posting on social media isn't NOT connecting it isn't meaningful in a way that really helps. Send a pic from your social isolation to someone <i>specific</i> and ask for one in return. Start a Marco Polo conversation with a few people that you honestly know and care about. When you do go out into public, make your brief interactions meaningful and purposeful by making eye contact and actually engaging for those brief few seconds. Acknowledge to a stranger how crazy this all is! </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">Again, I understand the contradiction inherent in posting something about some potential pitfalls of social media...on social media. I think I wanted to write this mostly to help myself understand my own motives and intentions and I am hopeful that any part of it might be helpful to someone else! </span>Blainehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10940552864136974059noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-778242162076072540.post-20229820520718985982019-04-08T07:48:00.002-07:002019-04-08T07:48:54.697-07:00Self-Critical Grip of Perfectionism<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">I think that it’s really important to take the time to make
sure that we are all aware that<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">nobody is a perfectionist because they are an idiot. We
don’t get caught in these patterns of<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">thinking because we are just too stupid to figure something
else out. Patterns of belief and<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">thinking such as these are formed and grow and solidify
because at one point they worked for<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">us. Sometimes they worked because we lived in an abusive or
chaotic home that rewarded self-critical thinking because it kept you from being too difficult, or
annoying, or it kept you out of the</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">way. In less traumatic circumstances,
self-critical/perfectionistic beliefs and thought patterns<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">simply were a way of making sure that you were generally
liked, that you performed well in<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">school, or that you could avoid feeling guilty when you went
to church.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">I am a firm believer that as humans, we don’t and won’t do
the same thing over and over<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">again, unless some part of us (whether conscious or
subconscious) believes that there is some<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">payoff. We don’t make the same choices, engage in the same
behavior, or indulge the same<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">beliefs unless there is some form of benefit. This benefit
or payoff is not always healthy or even<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">objectively positive, but it’s important to understand that
we don’t do things for no reason. Even<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">a small shift in my seat has a reason (the reason may not be
all that meaningful, but still…it’s<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">there). This perspective is very easily applied when
understanding the role of self-criticism, and<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">it is essential to understand its functional role in order
to overcome it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">The perfectionist walks around all day every day with a
self-critical/negative grip on their<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">brain. Think of the most sinister and strong hand you can
imagine, literally clutching onto and<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">gripping your brain in its strength. Everything the
perfectionist thinks, says, and does, is filtered<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">through this grip of self-criticism so that even positive
things are distorted so that the person<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">questions their own motives and intentions. I have talked to
so many people living with this grip<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">on their brain who frequently and regularly devalue their
own acts of kindness or goodness by<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">convincing themselves when it’s over, “I only did it because
it was easy,” or even “I just did it<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">because I wanted to feel good about myself.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">When a person is stuck in the grip of perfectionism every
glance at a mirror is a cringe<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">about being the wrong size. Every Sunday School lesson is a
lecture about what a slacker you<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">are. Every success of those around you is a reminder of how
poorly you are performing and that<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">you’ll never be good enough.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">When a person recognizes the need for a change, often times
that change comes in the<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">form of trying to strengthen another grip. Because the
perfectionist is accustomed to living in<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">extremes, the obvious answer to deal with this negative grip
on the brain, would be to work at<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">strengthening positivity until it is strong enough to
unravel and beat away the self-critical grip. A<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">perfectionist will see going to therapy, posting positive
thoughts in their bathroom, and repeating<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">complimentary affirmations to themselves as a sort of
positive thinking “workout” that will get<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">stronger and stronger until it can beat out that negative
grip and hold our brains in a grip of<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">happiness and sunshine! The task is to fight hard enough and
long enough to strengthen<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">positive thinking to the point that I finally believe these
things are true.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">There are a few things that I dislike about this concept of
positive thinking. First, it seems<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">to support a pattern of only being comfortable living in extremes.
If the answer to my extreme self-<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">criticism is to work hard at getting myself to believe the
exact opposite is true all of the time, I’ve<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>exchanged one extreme
for the other and with it established the same potential of a different, but <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">equal crash. Secondly, I dislike this view of strengthening
positive thoughts to beat out the negative<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">ones because it is knowingly and actively creating more
reasons for a fight in your head. This, is<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">not ideal as the perfectionist already has plenty of
internal fighting going on and won’t be served<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">by additional fights, even fights disguised as cute quotes
about being awesome. Finally, the third reason I’m not a fan of this perspective has to do with the hard
realities of being a perfectionist. Day to day living and existing in a brain that is gripped by
self-criticism is exhausting. Things that objectively don’t require that much energy become draining because the uphill
battle against that inner-voice makes each step of the process
heavier and more important than it needs to be. It can be draining to the point
that getting out of bed seems like a giant task. I have had
several conversations with people who feel like they are drained from “trying” all day but a review of the day’s
activity reveals that not much was physically done, but the battle being fought in their head
was raging all day.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">This was certainly the case for me as a young Missionary in
Taiwan. From the moment I woke up <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">until the moment I laid my head down on the pillow at night
I was fighting with myself. I did my best to be friendly and come
across as easy going and put together, and saved moments like biking behind my companion or sitting
in the bathroom to cry angry tears to myself, insisting that I wasn’t trying
hard enough and to “pull it together! You’re supposed to be
sharing happiness for crying out loud!” Through the hardest parts of my struggle with this self-critical
grip, whenever there was some sort of suggestion that implied putting
an effort into strengthening positivity, I wanted to say, “with what energy are
you suggesting I do that? Because it’s taking pretty much all I
have just to be awake and alive right now.” </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">A perfectionist’s energy is robbed by that critical
grip. It drains all day into wishing they</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">were someone else, longing for the day when they finally
figure things out, regretting decisions<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">made years ago, and worrying about not ever being good
enough. This being the case, a<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">suggestion that relief will only come by exuding more energy
often feels hopeless and<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">insurmountable.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="https://z9u1l3wusky40y46t31hrkw2-wpengine.netdna-ssl.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/09/depressed-man-13-things-NOT-to-say-to-a-man-who-has-depression-Healthista-main.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><img border="0" data-original-height="432" data-original-width="768" height="180" src="https://z9u1l3wusky40y46t31hrkw2-wpengine.netdna-ssl.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/09/depressed-man-13-things-NOT-to-say-to-a-man-who-has-depression-Healthista-main.jpg" width="320" /></span></a><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">The task required in order for a perfectionist to find peace
then is not a matter of fighting,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">but a matter of realizing that the formidable grip holding
the brain captive is, in fact, of their own<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">creation and under their own power and one needs to,
essentially, let go. In letting go of that grip, a<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">person gives themselves permission to exist exactly as they
are in this moment. This deliberate<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">letting go of criticism, of wishing, longing, regretting,
and worrying allows a person to be present<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">with themselves, accepting the reality: <i>“I am who I am. I
am where I’m at. It is what it is.”<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">The perfectionist has a complicated relationship with the
word “acceptance.” The<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">complication most often stemming from a lack of understanding
of what it means. Frequently,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">acceptance is used synonymously with words like “approval”
or “support.” A perfectionist both<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">longs for and fears self-approval. Theoretically it would be
so relieving to believe that oneself<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">was good enough and deserving of approval, but in practice,
a perfectionist is certain that there<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">is no difference between self-acceptance and giving up,
settling, or being totally complacent.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">Perfectionism has established safety for itself by
convincing the Perfectionist that it is doing an<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">important job. It settles in comfortably behind the lie that
it is the only thing motivating the<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">person to do good, to try hard, or accomplish anything.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">When we discuss self-acceptance (at least the kind of
acceptance required for “letting<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">go” of self-criticism) we are not talking about approval. We
are talking about acceptance in the<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">most simple terms possible. Most often, when I have had this
discussion with clients I will refer<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">to some piece of furniture in the room, like the chair I’m
sitting in. I will state, “I accept the reality<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">of this chair’s presence in this room right now…it’s here.
It is what it is. I haven’t said anything<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">about this chair being awesome or awful, I’m just being
present with it here as it is.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">This type of self-acceptance: <i>“I am who I am. I am where
I’m at. It is what it is,” </i>is so<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">simple that our complex human brains, particularly a
perfectionist brain, will initially refuse to sit<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">with it for any length of time, disregarding the practice as
a useless waste of time and<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">demanding that a person immediately jump to judgements and
then, just as quickly, jump to “…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">and what are you going to do about it?!” This was,
admittedly, my difficulty with the concept of<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">mindfulness as a whole when I was first introduced to it.
This paying attention and being present<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">with oneself sounded like a bunch hippy nonsense and I
disregarded it as useful to anyone that<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">didn’t already enjoy yoga or already have some formal
practice of deep breathing (a suggestion<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">many people bring up to cope with anxiety, but few people
ever actually do because the source<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">of anxiety is complex and deep breathing is just too easy).
I was impatient with the idea of sitting<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">with oneself or sitting with the reality of how things are
and was anxious to start moving into<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">problem solving. Convinced, that if a person is unhappy with
the way things are, the only useful<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">application of acceptance is to identify what you hate so
that it can be changed.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">For a person really struggling with self-acceptance, it
might be helpful to start with what<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">could be termed “self-acknowledgement.” In the way that a
person, walking up to a pool might<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">first identify and acknowledge the existence of the pool
before getting in, it might be easier to<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">approach self-acceptance from a clearly observational point
of view. One can figuratively step<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">outside of themselves and looking back at themselves
identify: “<i>He/she is who she is. He/she is<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>where they are.” </i>As this acknowledgement becomes
easier to access, it might feel like less<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">intimidating of a jump to start being present with, <i>“I am
who I am.”<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">After some discussion and practice, it usually doesn’t take
too long before a person is</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">able to feel the relief that comes from letting go of that
self-critical grip, allowing themselves to<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">just exist as they are without it. Initially, that feeling
of relief literally only lasts a few seconds.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">The perfectionist has been so well conditioned to respond to
any situation with self-critical<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">thinking that letting go of it feels awkward and scary, like
letting go of the side of the rink the first<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">time a person goes ice-skating. It feels exciting and one
gets the sense that they want more and<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">more of it, but because it’s unlike any sensation they’ve
experienced before, the moment a<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">thought, feeling, or interaction comes along that sparks a
reflex to judge, that grip has latched<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">back on as fast as a new skater would put out a hand to
catch themselves when falling. It is an<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">interesting phenomenon to observe in a clinical setting.
There is literally a different feeling in the<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">room when a person is able to let go of that grip. They are
observably lighter and more hopeful.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">The weight of their own critical voice being dismissed is a
very real and obvious transformation.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">However, without fail, it returns, latches on, and grips as
tight as it ever did before. So often<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">there comes a point when a client will ask the ironic
question, <i>“how do I hold onto that feeling?!”<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://o.aolcdn.com/images/dims3/GLOB/crop/3840x1920+0+493/resize/630x315!/format/jpg/quality/85/http%3A%2F%2Fo.aolcdn.com%2Fhss%2Fstorage%2Fmidas%2Fccffd681fd9406ababbc13081aa4f8c0%2F206691507%2Ftired-mother-suffering-from-post-natal-depression-picture-id1007108100" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><img border="0" data-original-height="315" data-original-width="630" height="160" src="https://o.aolcdn.com/images/dims3/GLOB/crop/3840x1920+0+493/resize/630x315!/format/jpg/quality/85/http%3A%2F%2Fo.aolcdn.com%2Fhss%2Fstorage%2Fmidas%2Fccffd681fd9406ababbc13081aa4f8c0%2F206691507%2Ftired-mother-suffering-from-post-natal-depression-picture-id1007108100" width="320" /></span></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">“Letting go” to a perfectionist is as Chinese is to an
English speaker. There is almost<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">nothing familiar about it and first attempts are choppy and
awkward. In the same way that an<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">English speaker just learning Chinese will often ignore the
tonal quality of the language and just<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">use typical English inflections with Chinese words, a
perfectionist will most likely start to try to<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">accomplish the feeling of letting go with perfectionist
methods. Thus, questions like “How do I<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">hold onto that feeling?” or “What are the steps to make that
happen?” Most frequently what<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">happens is that the quick return of the self-critical grip
is deemed a failure of a person’s attempt<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">to let go, and it is met with more self-criticism: “I can’t
even not hate myself!” “It’s so simple! Why<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">can’t I just get it?!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">An essential part of the process of learning to let go of
self-criticism has to do with the<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">response to self-criticism once it has inevitably returned.
The task of letting go is made much<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">easier when one can respond to that grip in a loving,
forgiving, perhaps even endearing or<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">nostalgic way. This is only accomplished by taking the time
to appreciate the reason for its<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">existence in the first place.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">The perfectionist must understand and recognize the simple
truth that despite the<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">difficulty and fatigue self-criticism has caused for them,
the size, strength, and intensity of that<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">self-criticism is directly related to how desperately they
really just want to be a good person.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">They fervently want to be a good mother/father,
son/daughter, employee, church member,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">neighbor, student, etc., and somewhere along the way they
were convinced that the way to be a<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">good anything is to be very aware of where there are
shortcomings and to criticize and be<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">dissatisfied with themselves until they reach “good.” In
other words, they learned to fuel<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">motivation for self-improvement with critical self-talk. To
“kick themselves in the butt” to work<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">hard at becoming what they need to become, certain that
self-acceptance will only stop<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">progression. The problem with utilizing self-criticism as
motivation fuel, is that it is one of the<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">most inefficient fuels out there and often burns out before
any real progress is made. However,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">because the perfectionist is convinced that this is how one
becomes what they should and want<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">to become, they pour tons of energy and focus into that
self-criticism, into strengthening that<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">grip.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">Through understanding the origin of that grip, one can have
a loving response to its</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">reflexive return by understanding that this grip, though
painful and menacing, is only trying to<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">help. It has been trying to help the perfectionist
accomplish the desired goal to be good. After<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">some moments with the relief of letting go, one might
respond to the conditioned return of the<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">self-critical grip with some version of the following
internal dialogue:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">“Well, hello there self-criticism. I see you’ve returned
as I’ve trained you to do. I appreciate your<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">quick response, you’ve always been willing to jump in and
help. However, I’m learning that I<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">have to allow myself to just exist exactly as I
am…without you. I understand that you are trying<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">to help, but I’m learning that you don’t serve me how I
intended you to serve me, and I have to<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">let you go again.”</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">It is difficult for a
person who has been utilizing this pattern of self-criticism as motivational fuel
to trust and believe that letting go of this practice is a good idea. Sure, at
first it is a nice feeling, but like was said before, letting go sounds a lot
like giving up. In reality, however, the
difference in feeling between “giving up” and “letting go” is really very
different. A person can learn to know the difference by trying it out. Even if
for just 5 or 10 minutes at a time. Often times I will encourage a person to
look at the clock and decide that for the next 15 minutes they are going to try
to allow themselves permission to exist exactly as they are, without any
negative judgements. For 15 minutes there is nothing to become or something
else they need to be, and when the self-critical ideas up they are going to
intentionally and deliberately set them aside just for these 15 minutes. It
doesn’t take much of this kind of practice to learn that the feeling being
nurtured is not encouragement to just give up.</span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://ww2.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/13/2017/10/depression-e1507755095260.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><img border="0" data-original-height="533" data-original-width="800" height="213" src="https://ww2.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/13/2017/10/depression-e1507755095260.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">It is
an interesting conversation to have to point out to a person the reality of
some of the things that they have accomplished in their lives and to bring to
the awareness the truth that what has been accomplished has been in spite of
the fact that they are so self-critical, not because they are so self-critical.
The perfectionist has had to swim upstream against their own harsh judgements
and constant picking apart to get anything done. If that criticism stopped,
would that person just stop progressing and growing and learning and
developing? No! Of course not! As a person learns to let go of that self-critical
grip, the energy being used to fuel that grip gets resourced into progressing,
growing, learning, and developing motivated by simply desiring to do so. </span><o:p></o:p></div>
Blainehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10940552864136974059noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-778242162076072540.post-54812804421918153182017-11-18T06:05:00.000-08:002017-11-18T07:35:25.928-08:00An Answer to an Interview Question<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://au.hudson.com/portals/shared_images/content/jobseekers/360x220ebook-interviewicon2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="220" data-original-width="360" height="195" src="https://au.hudson.com/portals/shared_images/content/jobseekers/360x220ebook-interviewicon2.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
I recently had a Social Work student ask to interview me for a project in her Diversity class (you didn't think of me as diverse did you?!). She was doing a project/paper on LGBTQ individuals who have chosen to stay active in the LDS Church. She sent me several questions and I spent some time typing out my answers (actually during an graveyard shift in the ER...the Ogden area didn't have too many crazy people tonight so I had plenty of time) and when I got done typing out my super long answer to one of the questions I decided that I wanted to post it here because I feel like it accurately describes a lot of feelings I have on the subject.<br />
<br />
The question was "How do you balance your sexuality and your religion?"<br />
<br />
This was my answer:<br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
I’m assuming that the reason for this question is because
the religion I am a member of has been so outspoken about its teachings related
to homosexuality. I think this question is kind of difficult to answer without
having a lot of context but I will try.
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: .5in;">
I feel like, first, it is important for me to
acknowledge that I am lucky. From the moment I started being open about my
sexuality, I had very important, key people that were supportive of me, and I
know that things could have been much different if they had responded
differently. My parents and my church leaders never made me feel like there was
something wrong with me, or that my feelings were something evil. They never
suggested that I created these feelings somehow or that I was less of a person
or less worthy of a person because I am gay. I know that others have not
experienced this. I know there are many whose families disown them, whose
church leaders belittle them or make them feel wrong, and so I am empathetic to
and understanding of people who feel like the church and its followers are
judgemental, closed-minded, and ignorant. I am lucky because the response of family
and church leaders helped me to form an understanding and belief about what God
thinks about my being gay. In terms of God’s involvement and feelings about it,
I believe that my being gay was intentional, that it is on purpose, and that
there is a purpose to it, not just something to “deal with,” and it isn’t
something that I should be ashamed of or scared of. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: .5in;">
I believe that historically the church’s
position on homosexuality and the things that church leaders said were wrong
and damaging. But I also believe that it was because they didn’t know better
and that I can’t expect church leaders to always have known everything about
everything because we can’t have that expectation of anyone, even religious
leaders. The tone in which homosexuality is spoken about by church leaders now,
is SO much different than it was 20 or even 10 years ago. I think that is
because more and more people are open about their experiences with sexuality
and so it has required that these things be looked at, prayed about, and questions
answered. I admit that there are times when church leaders will speak about the
issue and they will use a term or a phrase or something that hits me the wrong
way, but I can still appreciate how much different it is now than it was even
just 15 years ago when I was a teenager and I feel like progress is being made
toward more full understanding. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: .5in;">
That being said, the church
continues to hold to the teachings of marriage being only between a man and a woman, and
that isn’t a very popular thing to believe, and is understandably upsetting to
most everyone outside of a few religious settings. I say “understandably
upsetting” because I feel like my experience as a gay person helps me to
understand why it seems so wrong to limit marriage between a man and a woman. I
didn’t ask to be gay. I didn’t create these feelings. They didn’t just
accidently happen as a mishap in development, they are part of me like my skin
color, or my height, or my birthmark on my left foot. Why would a church, or
more importantly, God not allow me happiness with someone I love and want to
create a good, moral life with just because we are the same sex? I think that question is really important: If
you believe that God has an issue with homosexuality, what is his problem with
it? I think the answer to that question
is kind of involved and is actually pretty different from what many Mormons
would say is the answer. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: .5in;">
I think most Mormons would
immediately respond with, “Gay people can’t have kids and God wants us to have
kids.” But there are so many arguments that can be brought against this like,
“what about heterosexual couples who can’t have kids?” or “what about people
who just stay single?” Ultimately, I think if someone responds with simply “gay
people can’t have kids,” then they are a jerk and you probably shouldn’t ask
them any more questions. I think that unfortunately, there are a lot of
religious people who take their own feelings about homosexuality (that its
uncomfortable and “icky” or weird) and project those feelings onto God, holding
a kind of assumed belief that God is against homosexuality because he thinks
it’s icky and it makes him uncomfortable. I know and have enough interaction
with gay people and gay couples and have witnessed love and genuine affection
they have for each other to feel certain that God doesn’t think that its gross.
I don’t believe that his direction regarding homosexuality is because he’s
uncomfy. God is a much more mature, dynamic, and all knowing being. I believe
that he sees beauty and goodness in these relationships and doesn’t categorize
everything about them as evil and wrong. God’s great like that…because he knows
everything…he doesn’t have to slap a label on something and put it in a
designated box and keep it there. He can dissect things, understand them, and
appreciate and love what is good about them. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: .5in;">
The more complicated answer is
that Mormons believe in eternal progression. This is, in fact, the whole
purpose of life and the whole point of being born and coming to earth. We
existed before we came here, we are here to learn and progress and grow, and we
will continue learning and progressing and growing after we die. The church
puts A TON of focus on the family, so much focus that sometimes as members we
talk about getting married and having kids and creating a family as being the
purpose of life on earth. This isn’t true, not entirely. Its not, not about
having families, but it is only about creating families in that it is a part of
progression on earth for many if not most people. That distinction I think is
important, the actual purpose is progression, for many their progression
involves getting married and having kids in this life, but it doesn’t require
that…not here. For some, marriage and having kids doesn’t happen in this life.
Mormon’s believe that, if they want it, everyone will have the opportunity for
marriage and children at some point in the great expanse of eternity. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: .5in;">
I have to kind of take a
side-step here and explain something about eternal progression and perfection.
Mormons believe that God is perfect. But Mormons also believe that progression
is eternal. Which, if you think about it, seem to come into conflict with one
another. If God is perfect now, he wouldn’t need to progress anymore because
he’s already perfect. There is a popular scripture in Matthew 5:48 that says
“be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect.” In
LDS scripture, there is a footnote to the word “perfect” to the greek
translation which is “complete.” I think
in so many ways Mormons would do so much better if we focused on working to
become complete rather than becoming perfect. The difference in the words, for
me, change so many things that make more sense to me. But again, if God is
complete than how is eternal progression a thing? If he is complete? How does
he keep progressing? There is another
Mormon favorite scripture that says that God’s glory (or purpose) is to “bring
to pass the immortality and the eternal life of men.” Meaning that all of his
efforts are about helping further our progression. So, how is God complete and
yet still progressing? His progression is now through his children, us. As we
progress toward completeness, we add to his progression or “glory.” <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: .5in;">
Let me give a hypothetical
example that simplifies things a whole ton, but hopefully helps make sense of
what I’m trying to say. Let’s say that two couples, a heterosexual couple and a
homosexual couple die in a car crash. They move into the next life and for what
would maybe be like, millions of years earth time, they work and learn and grow
and become and experience. They do all of these things to the point that now we
have 4 perfect/complete individuals that know and are everything (this is super simplifying likely very
complicated things that in my simple mortality I can’t totally understand…but
stay with me). At this point, the heterosexual couple could continue to
progress through their posterity and the homosexual couple would reach the end
of their progression. Not because God thought they were icky, or not because
they are selfish, and not because they are inherently evil but because natural
law (which Mormons believe there are unchangeable natural laws) causes their
progression to come to a stand-still. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: .5in;">
This is why the church focuses
on marriage between a man and a woman. Because Mormons believe that with
homosexuality, whether now, or in 50 years, or in billions of years into
eternity, at some point will cause a halt or block in progression for a person.
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: .5in;">
Why did I do all of this
explaining about beliefs? It probably has gotten annoying to read and you are
wondering when I’m going to just stop and move on, but I often feel a need to
make this explanation because I feel like knowing the context can help people
to understand why the church teaches what it does and why I feel like I can
align myself to a religion that seemingly is so harsh about these things. Because if a religion, or a church believes
these things are true, like, really believes these things are true and actual
facts, then teaching what it believes to be true is the merciful thing to do.
Teaching these things that fit importantly into an eternal perspective is what,
as a church, they really have to do, otherwise a million years into my
progression I would be like, “Hey…why didn’t you tell me this was so important!
I was looking to you for guidance!” Current church leaders teach, for what a
lot of people are difficult and often determined to be emotionally damaging
things to hear, but if they believe its true are they supposed to not teach it?
I am hopeful that they will continue to get better at teaching these things in
a tone and language that expresses their truth, but gets better at trying not to dishearten or
offend.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: .5in;">
All of these things are matters
of faith. I believe that these things are true, but I understand and appreciate
that not everyone believes these things are true. Some people don’t believe that
there is a God. Some people would read this and say, “I think you’re wrong, I
think that God is totally cool with homosexuality without any reservations.”
Some people would say “you’re wrong, gay people are gross and God thinks they
are too!” And to all of those I say, “congratulations! You are a person. And as
a person you get to believe what you want to believe about faith, God, and
religion.” <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: .5in;">
I believe that it is VERY
possible to believe something different than someone else, even about things as
emotionally charged as religion and homosexuality and still love each other,
respect each other, enjoy each other’s company, and desire good things for
them. Some of the most important relationships in my life are with people who I
know don’t believe these things are true. We disagree, but our disagreement
doesn’t supersede how much we love each other! <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: .5in;">
Again, I'm lucky. My open-minded parents, my understanding church leaders, my opportunity to meet and marry someone who understands and works with me, my career as a therapist that allows me opportunities to understand myself... all of this combined to create a scenario in which I am gay, but have the luxury of mostly fitting into a hetero-normative environment that abounds in LDS church culture. There are so many that aren't as lucky. I can't say with certainty that if things had been different, if even just one of those circumstances had changed, that I wouldn't have left the church feeling upset, judged, and left out. I see and understand why people do, and I work in my own life to try to help others have positive experiences like I have had with all of these things.</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: .5in;">
I went on for a very long time
just now… but if you ask a complicated question you’re going to get a
complicated answer! <o:p></o:p></div>
Blainehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10940552864136974059noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-778242162076072540.post-82812368164975286442016-08-15T10:37:00.001-07:002016-08-15T10:37:38.105-07:00The Reward of Happiness<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Isn't culture such a weird concept? Its weird to think about the fact that depending on where you are born and the environment that you live in you can conceptualize very basic aspects of life in really different ways. Like...time, for example. Different cultures look at and value time in so many different ways. Even from family to family within a culture it can be extremely varied. Or money. I remember in an Intro to Sociology class learning about how different socio-economic groups understand and conceptualize money and wealth and it was so interesting to me how different they were.</span><br />
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">These kinds of differences in the understanding of what might seem like simple concepts is really important in my line of work. It's interesting to see what changes can happen in a person's life when they are able to make just a small tweak to their conceptualization of simple ideas. </span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">One such simple idea is the concept of happiness. If you aren't reading this in the middle of a crosswalk, stop for a second and think of what you believe is the definition of happiness. What is it? Where does it come from? Why do we feel happy? I'll wait for a minute and give you some time to think it over...</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">You done? Good. </span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://s3-eu-west-1.amazonaws.com/spiked-online.com/images/reviewofbooks/may2015/smiley_face.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="190" src="https://s3-eu-west-1.amazonaws.com/spiked-online.com/images/reviewofbooks/may2015/smiley_face.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I'm guessing that people who typically read this blog are of a western culture in one form or another, so I think we could probably all agree that happiness is an emotion or feeling. But what are the first things you think about when answering questions like "where does happiness come from?" or "How does someone feel happy?" I would not be the least bit surprised if somewhere in your answers about the origin of happiness for a person that you would attach words like "positive" or "right" or "achieve" or "good." It would probably be common to say something like, "Happiness is a positive feeling. The kind of feeling that things are going right." It might make sense to say "Someone achieve's happiness when they work hard and accomplish their goals." </span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Something that I hear ALL OF THE TIME in my community of western, largely religious culture is something to the effect of "Happiness comes when you do the right thing." </span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">If you ask me (and since you are reading this...you are implicitly asking me...so if you don't want to hear my opinion then what, pray tell, what are you doing here?) this concept of happiness is <i>extremely</i> problematic. </span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://az616578.vo.msecnd.net/files/2015/12/27/635867833173741071-2054119491_Happiness-is-a-choice-lifepopper-words-of-wisdom-how-to-live-a-happy-life-stay-positive-smile-1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" src="http://az616578.vo.msecnd.net/files/2015/12/27/635867833173741071-2054119491_Happiness-is-a-choice-lifepopper-words-of-wisdom-how-to-live-a-happy-life-stay-positive-smile-1.jpg" height="160" width="320" /></span></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Too often we think about happiness as being the reward for doing the right thing, being righteous, or making the best choices. Our level of happiness at any given point is often used simultaneously as the level at which we are successful. Happiness seen as a reward concludes that happiness and success go hand in hand. Which, makes sense, right? If I have a goal to make a million dollars and I make a million dollars...that would make me pretty happy. I feel happy when I can see myself being productive and accomplishing things. It does make sense...except for when it doesn't. </span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The problem that quickly arises as we view happiness as synonymous with things like being right, good, correct, or successful is that we too easily conclude that the inverse is true. That the lack of happiness must be synonymous with being wrong, bad, incorrect, or failure. We Mormons often take the teaching in Alma that "wickedness never was happiness" and incorrectly conclude that "righteousness always is happiness" or "unhappiness always is wickedness." </span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Too often when happiness is a reward, sadness is a punishment. </span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">But wait a second...that makes sense too! If I lose my million dollars in the stock market, that would make me sad. And I certainly don't feel happy when I see myself slacking off or falling short on my goals. It does make sense...except for when it doesn't. </span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Something that has been particularly helpful to me is discussing feelings and emotions as being pleasant or unpleasant as opposed to positive or negative and especially as opposed to right or wrong. An example I often use is a root canal. As a root canal regular at my dentist's office (its genetics people...don't go thinking that I'm disgusting and don't brush my teeth) I can tell you without hesitation that root canals are definitely unpleasant. However, I can't say that they are bad because they certainly solve a problem. When its over, a problem with my tooth is now fixed, the ache goes away, and I didn't have to have it removed. </span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I also like discussing the appropriateness or understandable-ness of emotions rather than attaching value to them as being right/wrong or good/bad. For example: feeling sad at a funeral...appropriate and understandable. Feeling aroused at funeral...not so understandable, there may be an issue there. But even arousal at a funeral (as confusing as that would be) cannot be deemed as inherently wrong. Life experience creates all kinds of weird emotional responses that are understandable given the circumstances. Most non-smokers are not a fan of the smell of casinos. I love the smell of casinos! I've never been in a casino for a sad reason, casinos mean vacation! </span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://www.desibucket.com/db/02/25158/25158.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" src="http://www.desibucket.com/db/02/25158/25158.jpg" height="198" width="200" /></span></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The more experience I gain as therapist, the more I realize that much of the intense difficulty that a person experiences has a great deal to do with a person judging their unpleasant feelings as wrong, bad, or failure. So many people jump to the conclusion that if they aren't happy, then it means that they are doing something wrong, that they have made a bad choice, and often they conclude that they are not in favor with God. But the reality reveals quite frequently that a good choice can bring difficult challenges, the right thing can cause a lot of pain, that sometimes feeling sad is the appropriate thing to feel. </span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Whenever we feel pain of any kind, it is often a knee-jerk reaction to assume that there must be a culprit. Somebody, somewhere has done something wrong! When there isn't an obvious enemy, we assume it was ourselves who made a mistake somewhere and decide that our pain is a sure sign of failure and we better fix it or else the pain won't ever go away! </span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">What about when a loved one dies? It is often extremely painful, sad, and upsetting. Whose the enemy? Who failed? What did I do wrong to feel this sad? </span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">What if I'm lonely? Does it automatically follow that I've done something wrong? Is there always an enemy? Or might it make sense and even be appropriate to feel loneliness? </span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">As it is with so many other issues, the solution to this "happiness as a reward" issue as I see it is acceptance (not to be confused with approval). We have to start by accepting the fact that this idea is deeply rooted into our understanding of emotions. By acknowledging the existence of this misunderstanding, we can start to be aware of where we are applying it and start making adjustments were we can. </span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We then have to start accepting emotions as neither good or bad, right or wrong, positive or negative...that they are what they are...they exist not necessarily as a result of success or failure. When we get efficient at accepting emotions in this way, we start to recognize that some unpleasantness doesn't require fixing...it requires understanding and room to do its job. </span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://cdn.collider.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/04/inside-out-image-joy-sadness.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" src="http://cdn.collider.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/04/inside-out-image-joy-sadness.jpg" height="180" width="320" /></span></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">A fun example of this is found in the movie Inside Out. In the movie, a little girl's emotions are personified into little characters in her head that regulate her behavior and guide her decision making. Throughout the movie, Joy anxiously runs around trying to keep Sadness from ruining everything by touching it. Joy concludes that when Sadness touches something, she screws it up and ruins it forever. Slowly, Joy finds out that Sadness has a job to do. Sadness isn't just there to indicate failure or something bad, she brings growth and understanding. Sadness slowly becomes a working member of the team of emotions, rather than something to be avoided at all costs. </span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Some of the best and most important things in my life were born out of some of the most difficult and emotionally challenging things. There have been some questions that I have avoided asking because I had determined that I shouldn't be experiencing the difficulty I was experiencing. Over time, I've come to realize that I am allowed to feel all the feelings and they don't determine my value as a person, my success in the roles I have, or my worthiness before God. </span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/95/5a/9e/955a9ef1b430e2d5f62de6870aa56aee.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" src="https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/95/5a/9e/955a9ef1b430e2d5f62de6870aa56aee.jpg" /></span></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">As a Christian, I am taught to align my life with Christ's. Well guess what? Christ experienced things throughout his life that led him to feel sad. He felt angry, he felt lonely, he felt scared, and not one of these emotions came as a sign that he was a failure. </span></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
Blainehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10940552864136974059noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-778242162076072540.post-81229625136444113502015-10-05T13:50:00.000-07:002015-10-05T13:56:09.010-07:00The Scarlet Pimpernel and Facing My Demons<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Reader Beware: The following is a story filled with intense emotion, suffering, and pain. If you proceed, I cannot be held responsible for the amount of trauma you may experience. I am however, a counselor, and looking to expand my private practice, so...we could schedule an appointment if you needed to. The following is the true to life, never before published story of how I, Blaine Hickman, survived...</span><br />
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">not getting the lead in my high school musical. </span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">I know...you are already amazed...</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Right about now you are saying things to yourself like, "Impossible! How on earth did you survive such treachery?" or perhaps, "Surely no man could do such things!" </span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">But it's true I tell you! </span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Ok...for realsies though, up to this 16 year old point in my life, I had experienced some very unhappy and disappointing things, but not getting the lead in my high school musical was probably the first extreme disappointment I had had in my life. Lame? Sure. But think about what was super important to you when you were 16 years old...I'm sure there was an element of lame in there somewhere. This experience, however lame it might have been, literally changed my life. It has become one of those sucky life experiences that I am truly grateful for. </span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">I was a pretty involved kid in high school. I did choir and student government, I had several friends and got pretty good grades. But for me, what I imagined to be the pinnacle of my high school career and what I worked on up until that point was to be the lead in the musical. And truth be known...the odds were working in my favor, if I do say so myself. I mean, I don't want to brag or anything, but I was one of only two sophomores that made the Productions team (please, hold your applause until the end) and the other sophomore was Nick...and everybody knew he was a weirdo.</span><br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHJxy3aK1L-Sr7I6eK8g6l6J9uwIvo1RUqrbZB07rSHLyaAeaYQpwNelLRsrIsCimy30IZjZrPsW05AtuN-7pabXZM0iXg0vwn96SAfQG0Y6npAGOzupDV2w_176Gmj_47pyLg103qYgmo/s1600/dolly.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHJxy3aK1L-Sr7I6eK8g6l6J9uwIvo1RUqrbZB07rSHLyaAeaYQpwNelLRsrIsCimy30IZjZrPsW05AtuN-7pabXZM0iXg0vwn96SAfQG0Y6npAGOzupDV2w_176Gmj_47pyLg103qYgmo/s320/dolly.jpg" width="320" /></a></span></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Head Waiter...and his assistant...in Hello Dolly</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">My junior year I was a bit miffed when The Weirdo got "head waiter" and I got "assistant head-waiter" in Hello Dolly, and his part in the dinner theater was slightly better than mine but these were easily justified away. "I'm glad I don't have to have the part where I have an accent." "I wanted the fun-loving part instead of the romantic guy anyway." You know, that kind of stuff. At the end of our Junior year it was announced that the main-stage musical being done the next year was "The Scarlet Pimpernel."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Everything was primed. I was going to be a senior, and the title role of the musical was a male character. I was charged and ready to fight for that title role, but I also had a safety net: there was a villain lead that was male as well. (By now, The Weirdo had been upgraded to...lets say...quirky frenemy) So if Quirky Frenemy came with his A-game, I'd be disappointed but not totally desolated. Everyone loves an amazing villain, right?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><a href="http://www.grnow.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/02/Clipart-2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://www.grnow.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/02/Clipart-2.jpg" height="168" width="320" /></a></span></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">I may or may not have practiced this pose in the mirror.</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">I worked for a shocking amount of months on my audition song and monologue. The teacher/director, Mr. Ferrin, told us that he wanted us to go against decorum and prepare stuff from the actual show for our audition songs (for those of you who may not be "in the know," typically you wouldn't audition for a show singing a song from that show. I'm sure there are lot of reasons for that, but...just don't question it). So, with this permission, I of course went straight for the Pimpernel's songs. In fact, my voice teacher (who, fun fact, is now my mother-in-law) fashioned a little medley of several of his songs so I could really sell it.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">The time for auditions had arrived. I put on my specially bought outfit for the occasion (classy charcoal gray pants, and a maroon turtle-neck sweater...doesn't that just scream "artsy person in the early 2000s?"). I sang through my song, performed my monologue, and was requested to come to call-backs. Some time later I joined the 30 or so other kids on the stage for the call-backs.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Call-backs were a tumultuous mix of excitement and anxiety. We were all asked to read different parts and sing different excerpts from the show. After awhile, the group of 30 was narrowed down to 15, then more reading and singing. Eventually it was shaved down to 10, and it was slowly becoming clearer who the director was thinking of for which parts. Its funny, but I actually remember everyone that was left when it was narrowed down to 6. There were 3 boys and 3 girls being evaluated for the 2 male and 1 female leads. The moment of truth came when he told the girls to leave and we were left with just the three of us boys. My nerves were increasing...they were clearly having a difficult time with this decision, and in the end, one of us would not be getting a lead. I was prepared to be up against Quirky McFrenemy, but this third guy was unexpected! After yet more singing and reading the three of us started to get prepared to leave when the director started giving the speech about when the cast list would be posted. I was shocked when after his speech, he told the other two to go, and asked me to stay!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">He had me sing through songs for both the Pimpernel and the villain, and then read through some lines for both characters as well. Whatever nerves I had before about not getting one of the two main parts slowly started to fade away. Clearly they <i>LOVED</i> everything about me and were just so torn on which of the two parts would feature my very best qualities! I went home that afternoon nervous, but pretty much sure that I had locked in a lead role.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">It was later than night that they posted the cast list. I was there about 20 minutes before they said they were going to post it...but I had to be sneaky because I knew that they weren't going to post it with people waiting there. So me and my two friends (who, fun fact, are now my wife and my brother-in-law) smartly waited in the bushes next to the door. The second the list was posted I sprung out of the bushes and feverishly started scanning from the top:</span><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="text-align: justify;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="text-align: justify;">Percy (The Scarlet Pimpernel).....................Nick Balaich </span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Marguerite....................................................Meghan Stettler</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Chauvelin (the villain)..................................Brad Anderson</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Armand........................................................Blaine Hickman</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Wait...wait a second....what?</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Something had to be wrong. Panicked, I looked at my friends, then frantically back at the list. My eyes starting to well up with tears, my heart beating faster and faster. The list went on from there of course, but I looked again and again at those top 4 names. The tears had gone from welling to falling and my panic was no longer being held inside. I could feel an audible cry ready to come out and I had to get out of there. With my two friends trailing behind me, I ran to the car, got in, closed the door, and cried so hard and intensely that my friends later told me that they couldn't tell if I was crying or laughing like a crazed lunatic. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">You would think that a kid with all of the confusion and frustration I had felt spiritually up to this point in my life that I would have had lots of reasons to feel a little angry at God (please see previous posts for wondrous tales of sexual orientation shenanigans), but I actually didn't really ever experience that...until now. I. Was. Pissed. I remember that night actually punching my bed while scream-whispering a prayer, "HOW COULD YOU LET THIS HAPPEN?! WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME?!" (and the academy award for most seriously angsty and dramatic teen goes to...). I didn't sleep at all and after awhile, my pillow wet from constantly streaming tears, I decided to just get up and go for a walk alone to nowhere (you know, just for that extra dramatic flare).</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Wow. Telling that story took a really long time. And I'm sure you're probably wondering at what point I might actually get to the reason for telling this story. Well, lets get to it...and jump ahead several months. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjT8j2EybyQX4vtxlWc0WeU86zlQmtgZPzfolsboR6JKgrK3BRM-ET9pORMJpxnfaoXTsy-LGlTPoN3Dzq2-4M9DaUFOSBfner8Rnp_RYwrqalpo8gb0fZBmLjg5GYb08iZl77Oalv8iMbc/s1600/armand.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjT8j2EybyQX4vtxlWc0WeU86zlQmtgZPzfolsboR6JKgrK3BRM-ET9pORMJpxnfaoXTsy-LGlTPoN3Dzq2-4M9DaUFOSBfner8Rnp_RYwrqalpo8gb0fZBmLjg5GYb08iZl77Oalv8iMbc/s320/armand.jpg" width="320" /></a></span></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">"Don't go to Paris Armand! Or do go...who cares?!" </span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">By now I had accepted the fact that I didn't get the lead. I got Armand. I was Marguerite's lame little brother, that for all intents and purposes could have been removed from the plot line...and you weren't missing much. I pulled myself together however, and outwardly I tried really hard to have a good attitude. My mom had given me some good advice to just try really hard to find opportunities for random acts of kindness during rehearsals and get to know more of the kids in the show. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">I was doing...ok. But I was constantly being torn apart inside by a demon I hadn't yet identified, but that had plagued me through the whole process. A demon that I never really put a name to, but had been my constant companion all through elementary school and junior high. A demon that, I'm sad to say, continues to haunt me on an annoyingly regular basis. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">The demon? Compare-inator!...No...that sounds dumb, how about, Sir Compares-a-lot!...no, that sounds like a Care Bear...Compare-a-... Whatever, I can't think of a cool name for it...Comparison, I compared myself constantly everyday, that's the demon I'm talking about. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">I was in an eternal tennis match of "Seriously, they picked him over me?!" and "I suck so bad, of course they picked him!" One minute I'd be feeling so smug, "I bet Mr. Ferrin is sooo regretting this decision." Then minutes later, "I'm so girly and chubby, look at them, they look amazing." As rehearsals continued and the opening night got closer, the smug and pompous comparisons were dying down to a murmur and the self-deprecating ones pretty much took over and ran the show. This was especially true because the rehearsal process gave me the opportunity to spend a lot of time with and observing Nick and Brad, and I was liking them as people more and more and wanted to be better friends with them. As time drew on, I slowly began to see myself as unable to measure up in any way. This is the state of comparison that I was most used to. It is actually surprising to myself, even now, that there was a significant length of time in which I saw myself as on the winning end of a comparison because my life was full of comparing myself, especially to other boys, and coming up short. That's not to suggest, however, that being on the winning end of comparisons about this was pleasant, because it wasn't. I was just as miserable with that. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">It was about this time that we had a Seminary lesson about Ezra Taft Benson's conference talk on Pride. We were given a copy of the talk and went over it as a class, talking about various parts of it and why the concepts and ideas were important. There was SO much about that talk that was applicable to me at that time, but there was one line that hit me so hard, I read it over and over again. He said: </span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Pride is ugly. It says, <i>"If you succeed, I'm a failure."</i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">What a miserable way to live. Always so concerned about where you rank compared with others. If the statement <i>"if you succeed, I'm a failure" </i>is true, then there is no feeling at peace at all. If that is true then I can't be happy for anyone doing well, because I will automatically equate their doing well as me having failed somehow. Even if it was reversed: <i>"if you fail, I succeed" </i>is seeing life as a competition in which my goal is to see others fail, and my success is just some kind of bonus. That isn't happy either.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhYHuky3Eb7WJidQE0PoYJGLXc2P_r5NyysszUjFAElaHSNVA8UigC9M1rcoVAvLHaw29lhZWMVxwMWB9yhqBpljpPd7N5t_KVyoER01NDNTnEz40m-rS2UhcBVXUx91Znw4IulqvKnw2pF/s1600/nickmexico.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhYHuky3Eb7WJidQE0PoYJGLXc2P_r5NyysszUjFAElaHSNVA8UigC9M1rcoVAvLHaw29lhZWMVxwMWB9yhqBpljpPd7N5t_KVyoER01NDNTnEz40m-rS2UhcBVXUx91Znw4IulqvKnw2pF/s320/nickmexico.jpg" width="320" /></a></span></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Nick and me as adults in Mexico</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">I took that talk and decided that I was going to try to make a change in myself. I was going to try everything that I could to just be happy for Nick and Brad. To not see their being really good as a statement about how awful I was. Because the reality was that they were both really good. I kept seeing the only option as "Nick and Brad are good, so I must really suck." I wanted to try really hard to adopt the possible reality that "Nick and Brad are really good. Also, I am good." Why was my brain so determined to make their being good mean I'm really bad?! I worked really hard at it...and it was in fact, a lot of work. I had been conditioning my brain to accept this reality for so long that training it to do something else, to just be happy for others' success and not see life as a competition I was losing, was extremely challenging. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">And lets be honest...It is <i>still</i> extremely challenging in many ways. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Over the years I have improved my confidence (the real confidence, the kind that sees my worth and value being unchanged or hindered by someone else doing well) in some pretty profound ways in my life. I no longer walk into a group of men and immediately feel like a loser. I feel like I'm a good friend for the most part, and its not too hard to just be glad when I see my friends and family accomplishing great things in their personal, professional, and spiritual lives. But, if I'm honest, that old demon, Compare-i-tron (yeah, that doesn't work either), comes back far too often when say, I'm at the gym and he tells me that I'm a fat slob compared to the David statues walking around everywhere Or when I'm sitting in church and everyone is moving in and out of leadership positions, and I'm over here like, "for the love of Pete, will you men just come to choir practice for the Christmas program already?! Its been 4 years!" (note to anyone in my ward that might read this...this should not indicate to anyone that I'm dying to be in a leadership position, on the contrary I'm glad to have my low key calling, I say this strictly to illustrate the whole issue of Comparinor the Terrible). </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">The point is, over the years comparing myself to others has robbed me of being happy in otherwise completely satisfactory situations, and I'm tired of it. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">I want to change, and I know that the first step in changing is stepping out of hiding places. To stop using other people's success as a hiding place for my insecurities to fester and grow. I have to own the demon of comparison as my responsibility to change, and to start recognizing when it is engaging with me. When I hear and recognize its whispering I have to stop, calmly face it, and say "no thanks. I appreciate what you are trying to do, you're trying to make sense of this situation, but I've learned by now that you don't really know what you are talking about," and then make a deliberate decision to be satisfied with my efforts and value. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><i>I know that just like every other demon that exists in my life, if I just calmly stop feeding it what it wants, it eventually gets bored and walks away. </i></span></span><br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">*Disclaimer*</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Please note that the previously mentioned story is the emotional account of a 16 year old. My account of the situation might have painted a picture of Mr. Ferrin that makes him seem like a jerk or something but let me assure you, he is not. He was SO gracious and good to me that year. In fact, if any of you have known me long enough to remember having seen The Scarlet Pimpernel, you might remember that Armand kept showing up in strange places and singing lines of songs that were not his to sing. Mr. Ferrin and the production staff gave my character lines and songs that weren't written in the script. I'm sure that was because he recognized my dismay and did what he could to help my poor fragile ego. Later in the year single cast me as the only one single cast in a show where the other parts were triple cast! He really was and is a wonderful guy and I'm so happy to occasionally get to still have association with him. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Also, Nick and Brad have become a couple of the most important friendships of my life. Brad is such a truly good and talented person and Nick and I laugh today about how I thought he was a weirdo when I first knew him. In reality, I was competing with myself during those years because Nick was, and continues to be, such a kind and generous friend, helping me in more ways than I know he even recognizes. </span></div>
</div>
Blainehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10940552864136974059noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-778242162076072540.post-39309675498169630982015-07-20T06:49:00.000-07:002015-07-20T06:49:12.934-07:00"I'm Scared of Your God:" Some Thoughts About What Mormons Call "The Plan of Salvation"<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">My little sister hates when people talk about their dreams. She very hilariously informed us of this, when a group of our close friends were hanging out together. Josh had just finished telling us about a funny dream he had when the conversation paused for a second, and she chimed in,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">"Guys, I've been meaning to tell you...I really hate it when people talk about dreams they've had..."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Smooth Beth, Smooth.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">(We all laughed hysterically)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">So, despite the fact that Beth will likely roll her eyes, I'm going to tell you about one of the most vivid and traumatizing dreams I've ever had in my life.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">It happened when I was a sophomore in high school. At this time (you might recall from previous posts) I was struggling secretly with issues of pornography and worrying a lot about being attracted to men. I was very active in church, and valued that experience a great deal, but my understanding of the gospel at that time combined with my drive to always be seen as a "good kid" most often created a sense of not ever really feeling good enough.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><a href="http://p1.pichost.me/i/58/1821449.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://p1.pichost.me/i/58/1821449.jpg" height="200" width="320" /></a>In the dream there was all sorts of calamity. Earthquakes, volcanoes, tornadoes, and all manner of riots everywhere. My family and I were trying hard to get from point A to point B (it escapes me where we were going or what was motivating us) but we were in the middle of all of this, and trying desperately to make sure that we all stayed together. After some time, the turmoil settled, and in the quiet you could hear sobs of sadness while everyone surveyed the carnage. Happily, however, my family remained all alive and together. Suddenly, we saw in the sky what appeared to be three giant planets. After standing in awe for some time, someone in my family stated "it's the three kingdoms!" (A reference that I will explain in more detail later for those of you not familiar with Mormon doctrine...essentially the 3 Kingdoms are three degrees of glory, sort of like three "levels" of heaven, to which God's children go to after judgement...again....more on that later). At that moment, everyone started floating. Just up at first, and then in the direction of the planets. To my horror, my entire family started floating toward the Celestial Kingdom (the highest degree of glory), and I started being pulled to the Telestial Kingdom (the lowest of the three). We reached for each other, frantically. Screaming and crying we slowly drifted farther and farther away, them together and heading toward happiness and God, and me alone.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">It was awful. I woke up sobbing, and couldn't stop thinking about it for several days. Its crazy how even writing about it now gives me a nervous feeling because it just seemed so real and terrifying.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">This was a reflection on what I thought about myself and my fate at the time. I was trying really hard to do what I was supposed to do, but despite any effort, I was pretty certain that I would never be good enough, that I had failed the test, and that God was not happy with me. In theory he loved everyone, but in practice...I just pissed him off.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">I want to take a minute now to explain the Plan of Salvation to those who may not know what I'm talking about, and to do that, I want to show you a picture:</span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><a href="http://blog.phaedo.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/02/Plan-of-Salvation.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://blog.phaedo.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/02/Plan-of-Salvation.png" height="426" width="640" /></a></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">This picture, or something very similar to this picture, is quite familiar to someone who has grown up in the LDS Faith. It is a concept that puts our mortal life into perspective, and answers for many people the questions related to "who am I?" "Where did we come from?" "Where are we going?" You know, the big ones.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Basically, we were created by God and lived with him in the Preexistence. Somewhere along the way there was a great debate about how we should progress, learn, and gain experience. Satan offered a plan in which he would make everyone obey and do what they were "supposed" to do so that God wouldn't lose anyone due to their own idiocy. Christ, however, offered to fulfill God's plan in which everyone would have the ability to choose (thus, actually learning something) and as far as mistakes that would separate them from God, he said basically, "I'll take care of it." and offered himself as a sacrifice to pay for everyone's mistakes. Those who fought for Satan's plan were upset when they didn't win and they were cast out of heaven, making a choice that left them unable to progress any further, and the rest of us put our trust in Christ to pick up the bill and set out to begin learning. Yes, I say "us" because we Mormons are brazen enough to state that if you are here on Earth, you chose to follow Christ and ultimately God. "Good job!"</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<a href="https://newevolutiondesigns.com/images/freebies/space-wallpaper-29.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://newevolutiondesigns.com/images/freebies/space-wallpaper-29.jpg" width="320" /></a><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">We leave the Preexistence, and are born. This changes us from strictly spirit beings, to gaining and learning to manage a physical body. We pass through a veil so we cannot remember our pre-earth life (creating the need for faith). We grow up, we make mistakes and fall, we learn, we study, we experience, and eventually...we die. At this point our body and spirit separate and we go to the Spirit World, more specifically (and not pictured here) to Spirit Paradise or Spirit Prison. We are taught that those who didn't have the opportunity to hear and accept the gospel will be taught here, and after this comes the Judgement and Resurrection. Christ, the only one who has a perfect understanding of each human's experience (remember...that "he suffered for everyone's mistakes" part I mentioned earlier), is the judge. He determines which kingdom each person goes to. (I recognize that to someone who didn't grow up with all of this stuff it might seem very Dora The Explorer: 'go over crocodile bridge, around volcano mountain, and through the magical forest!' But taught and understood through spiritual eyes and feelings, it starts to make more sense. Its actually very poetic and beautiful). </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">What isn't clear on this picture (but is often explained in Sunday School) is that the Terrestrial and Telestial Kingdoms, while having a substantial degree of happiness and joy (they are a 'degree' of glory, after all) indicate an end of progression. You are here for your existence (which again...not a bad place to be for eternity, but certainly not ideal). Ideal for Mormon's is the Celestial Kingdom. This is not just because it is the highest degree of glory, or just because this is where God is present, but because it is here in which progression continues. We can continue to learn, study, grow, experience, and create.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">This is where the whole idea that "Mormon's believe they become Gods after they die" comes in. If we continue to progress, and grow, and learn, over the course of eternity we will eventually become like God and have the knowledge and abilities he has. It's a lot to learn, but...it's eternity folks. We don't get zapped with lightening and suddenly we are Zeus. We learn, grow, create, experience, etc. and eventually we get there.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">So...Why have I taken you on this crash course of Mormon Beliefs: 101? Because I want to point out something I believe to be very true, and something that I believe is a problem for many people in the church, which has implications on how we see, treat, and interact with those outside of the church.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Take a second and go back up to the picture. Depending on what kind of screen you are reading this on, the measurements will be different, but I want you to take a quick measurement of the distance between the line that says "death" and the line that says "judgement and resurrection." Go ahead...go look...I'll wait.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Hi, welcome back.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">So what did you get? An inch or two? Three? If it's bigger than three then your computer screen is insane and I bet you paid too much for it. The point is, when putting this plan on to one paper those two lines are deceivingly close together, and I think that sets in our primary, "Popcorn-popping-on-the-apricot-tree-minds" that the time between death and judgement is very limited, and I want to tell you why I believe that it just isn't, and why that's important.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><a href="https://candlelightchats.files.wordpress.com/2012/02/celestial-snow-angel.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="233" src="https://candlelightchats.files.wordpress.com/2012/02/celestial-snow-angel.jpg" width="320" /></a>I truly, and wholeheartedly believe that anyone who truly wants the Celestial Kingdom will get it, and I don't say that to mean that "people who really want the Celestial Kingdom will live Celestial lives." I mean, that if after all of your experience, even if you have made a gabillion mistakes, if your heart truly wants, and is willing to put in the work (work that is done both here and in the Spirit World) for the Celestial Kingdom you will get it. We are working with eternal time here. Isn't it possible that the space between death and judgement might be millions of what we measure as years? Don't you think that if what we truly desire is to be with God, that God is going to provide the time to allow that to happen? This is not to say that we earn our salvation, because without Christ...ain't nobody gettin' in there. But we certainly will be granted the opportunity to learn what we need to in order to prepare us for Celestial Glory, right? I can't imagine a God that would see anyone working hard to be with him who would say "Welp, Judgement Day is here and you didn't make the cut." When people talk about seeing God in that way, I usually say something like, "I'm scared of your God."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">"WELL..."you might say emphatically, "are you saying that it doesn't really matter what you do in this life, so we should just 'eat, drink, and be merry' and then we can take the time to correct things after we die and before judgement?!" You are such a little perfectionist, aren't you?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">The answer to that is, of course, "no." We need to keep trying and strive to live the commandments and be good people, but not because we are scared of dying and not making it, but because we love God, we love Christ, and we want to do as they would have us do. I know too many people who walk through life absolutely sure that they will never be good enough for God and that they are doomed to some lesser glory because they just can't get things figured out...and that's just nonsense to me. If you want it, you will be able to get it, and that is the true mercy and grace of God and his son Jesus. We can't constrict God to our concept of time. If you are trying and you want it, you will have all the time you need. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">"WELL..." you might stubbornly retort again, "that would pretty much just mean that everyone makes it to the Celestial Kingdom because who isn't going to want that?!" And, you my friend, are right...and stop talking to me in that tone.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Despite what might be popular belief, the Celestial Kingdom is not going to be an exclusive resort/club for Mormons. I'm convinced that it will be full of all kinds of people who led all kinds of different lives on Earth. They made mistakes and walked various paths, but through faith and being taught by the spirit, with a subsequent decision to become more than what they were, they choose God, they choose Christ, and choose service.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Yes, service. I believe the other kingdoms exist because there will be people who honestly don't want Celestial Glory. Maybe it will be pride that will keep them from those blessings, but lets be honest folks, Celestial Glory will be hard work! It will be a lot of learning and experiencing and ultimately creating and serving others. I imagine that God is a pretty busy guy. My guess is that not everyone is going to want to sign up for an eternity of that. "Entering into his rest" I think probably is more about entering into his peace, not entering into his land of chaise lounges and platters of grapes.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">I have one more related point (are you still reading?!)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Mormons often refer to this life as a "test." Meaning that God sent us to earth and gave us the opportunity to learn and grow and we are being "tested" to see if we will be true to his commandments in this life, proving our worthiness to enter into His presence in the next life.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">I REALLY dislike this metaphor and decided to stop using it a long time ago. What an awful test! We went through a veil that made us forget everything before we could take it, and then if you think about all the people that have ever lived or will live on Earth the only people who have had access to what we believe is the fullness of truth...its microscopic! It seems like a horribly unfair test.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">It makes more sense to me to see this life as a grand opportunity. With a mortal body and the need for faith, we have the opportunity to do a whole lot of progressing in a short amount of time. When you combine that opportunity with having the knowledge of the Gospel, our ability to progress can be astounding! By the time we hit that "death" bar on the diagram, people like President Hinckley, Mother Theresa, and Lindsay Hickman will be a lot more advanced than me in this whole progression thing...but again...its not a race, and if I want it, I can get it.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><a href="http://www.sigmalive.com/uploads/images/news/%CE%B3%CE%B7_%CE%BA%CE%B1%CE%B9_%CE%B7%CE%BB%CE%B9%CE%BF%CF%82_%CE%B1%CF%83%CF%84%CE%B9%CE%BA%CE%B5%CF%82_%CF%80%CE%BF%CE%BB%CE%B5%CE%B9%CF%82.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://www.sigmalive.com/uploads/images/news/%CE%B3%CE%B7_%CE%BA%CE%B1%CE%B9_%CE%B7%CE%BB%CE%B9%CE%BF%CF%82_%CE%B1%CF%83%CF%84%CE%B9%CE%BA%CE%B5%CF%82_%CF%80%CE%BF%CE%BB%CE%B5%CE%B9%CF%82.jpg" height="200" width="320" /></a>This "opportunity instead of a test" perspective also helps me to really appreciate my own unique experience here on Earth. Because while Gordon, Ms. Theresa, and Lindsay have become such good people in their lifetime, none of them have experienced being a 6 foot, near-sighted, occasionally neurotic, gay male with genetically awful teeth. And if we are to become like God, who knows everything, they are going to have to learn something about those things. A friend of mine, and fellow member of the LDS Church once asked me, "so...do you think that as you go through eternity, you will become more and more straight?" I thought about it for a minute and answered, "maybe, but I think you will become more and more gay. We all have to learn everything!" If I have taken the opportunity to progress as much as I can with my unique circumstances, I will be good and ready to help others learn what I learned, and they can help me. Again, perhaps this is more of the service we may be called on to do in eternity. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Once again, to those with not a lot of exposure to this stuff, I can see that these might all seem confusing and mystical, but I just want to take the opportunity to say that my faith and belief is that all of this crazy stuff is true. I know that God lives.We don't need to be scared of him! I know that he loves all of us. ALL of us. What evidence do I have that he does? Well...a lot. But the biggest evidence by far is the offering of his Son so that I could have the experiences that I need to experience, to learn what I need to learn, without the pressure of needing to be perfect.</span>Blainehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10940552864136974059noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-778242162076072540.post-50727771200481114092015-06-27T12:09:00.000-07:002015-06-27T12:21:52.978-07:00A Step Toward Morality: Reasons For Mormons To Be Ok With Gay Marriage<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://cdn.theatlantic.com/static/mt/assets/national/rainbow-flag.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://cdn.theatlantic.com/static/mt/assets/national/rainbow-flag.jpg" height="186" width="320" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">I know, I know. Your Facebook feed is all rainbow-ed out and your head is spinning with various voices and opinions screaming their support or disgust of the recent decision by the Supreme Court to legalize gay marriage nationally. You maybe have scrolled through unsure of which posts to "like" or where to comment; "Should I say something about my testimony of the sanctity of marriage?" "Should I tell my gay friend I'm happy for them?" "Should I post the official church's response to the ruling?" "Should I rainbow-ify my profile picture?" I know...life is hard...both real life and Facebook life. But let me interrupt your stewing on the matter for a little story about someone who is quite possibly your favorite person: Me (of course!)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Once upon a time, Blaine was sitting in the Library at Fairfield Junior High. This slightly chubby, but loveable 7th grader was there with his English Class learning how to utilize library tools and resources to write an essay (a standard 5 paragraph one, of course) about the topic of their choosing. Blaine hated school, and spent many evenings of his 7th grade year, crying to his mother, asking her to send him to some sort of LDS private school he had heard existed in Salt Lake City. He naively believed that a religious school would magically turn 12 and 13 year old brace-faced drama monsters into kind and caring peers. You see, Blaine was constantly consumed with trying to avoid being called "gay" and was quite frankly, failing miserably. Unfortunately, the feminine qualities in the way he spoke and his argyle sweater vests worn to school instead of sensibly to church were a dead give away. His inexcusable lack of knowledge regarding professional sports and his ridiculous ability to be able to notice when a teacher got her hair cut were also clear bate for the zit-faced sharks. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">While searching the shelves of the library, probably for a book about Russian palaces (yeah...this kid was really bad at hiding), Blaine clearly forgot about the most obvious tell-tale sign of gaydom. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">"Hey Blaine, put your hand up on the shelf for a second." A particularly ruthless meany-pants and his curly haired female had smelled the vulnerability from a mile away. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">"Why?" Blaine nervously laughed, obviously weirded out that this alpha-brat even knew his name. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">"Just do it, we want to see something." The bushy-tailed female said with a smile, the elastics on her braces all red and pink, cleverly matching the February holiday. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Blaine lifted up his hand and set it on the shelf, stupidly and obviously not realizing what damning evidence he was placing before them!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">"See...he wears his sweatshirt sleeve halfway over his hand like a girl...totally gay." The alpha and his female walk away, puff chested, proud, and totally awesome. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">"WHAT?!" Blaine panicked to himself "I thought I just had short arms?! I didn't know this was a sign that I'm gay?! Do all gay people have short arms?! Blaine quickly scanned the library, desperately searching for long sleeves.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Later, Blaine tearfully walks home from school, and makes a deeply engrained mental note: "sleeves halfway over hands...another way people totally know your gay." </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">So...I hope that this story will relay a few potentially helpful points of information: </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"> 1. Junior High is the ABSOLUTE worst! If you know someone currently in Junior High, stop reading now and go give them a hug and tell them you love them. Even if they aren't obviously super-gay. My years of experience have taught me that the alpha male in that story most likely had a miserable experience in Junior High as well, and his hunting for girly-boys to make fun of was probably a product of his total lack of self-esteem. So...hugs all around for the tweens!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">2. That loveable gay was TERRIFIED of his feelings, and 100% sure that if anyone knew that he was attracted to boys that it would be THE WORST thing that could possibly ever happen! The fear he had of being found out was so profound that it took him years to even admit to himself that his feelings actually existed. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">I wish that this story was not a common one. I wish that this was something that used to happen a long time ago, but that Ellen and the gay characters on Glee (one of which is named Blaine!) have made it totally cool to just let go and be OK with being different in Junior High, but...its just not true. I work with teenagers everyday, and I can assure you...we aren't there. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><a href="http://www.sciencemediacentre.co.nz/wp-content/upload/2012/04/kidComp.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://www.sciencemediacentre.co.nz/wp-content/upload/2012/04/kidComp.jpg" height="240" width="320" /></a>There is another part of this story that isn't so commonly talked about. Scared of his feelings, and sure that he was messed up somehow, this kid retreated into himself and refused to talk to even trusted adults about it. He got caught up and lost in pornography and fantasy, hating himself every time, but having no other real place to express or understand these feelings. Addicted, he struggled for years to let go of it but was largely unsuccessful. And he was lucky! Other kids like him get involved in much deeper darkness. With technology of today, within 5 minutes a teenager, gay or straight, can download an App and instantly be connected to men and women of all ages who are ready to have sex. Literally, an App can tell you "someone within 2000 feet of you is looking to hookup." Can you imagine the damage and danger a kid who is living in secrecy and shame can get into?! There is SO much immorality in the world ready to pounce on kids who are unsure of themselves and scared of their feelings. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">In my experience working with and personally acquainted with the gay community, so many of the stereotypes and/or problems that exist there are exact products of a community of people who have grown up in shame. A whole population of people who were scared of their feelings and worried about their future. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Here we have another "crochet it on a pillow" statement because it is something I say very frequently in therapy: People who are used to living in an extreme do not generally default to a nice balance, they often default to the opposite extreme. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">If you are a kid who has grown up in shame and secrecy, your self-hatred has conditioned you to live your life compulsively following the rules and being a "good kid." Think of the gay people you know. There is a good chance that when they were a kid you thought they were the "golden child," always following the rules and over-achieving. They live their life in an extreme of perfection. The opposite extreme that is so commonly defaulted to is what is often talked about as the problems with the gay community: frequent and various sexual partners, drugs, alcohol, etc..</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">What does this have to do with gay marriage being legal and becoming common-place? </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Gay marriage encourages commitment, fidelity, and stability in the gay community. If the 7th grade Blaine's of the world were able to see gay couples getting married and starting families, homosexuality being talked about in a respectful and open way, and the culture of society being understanding for those whose lives our different than ours, then perhaps they wouldn't feel so scared of their feelings. Perhaps they wouldn't retreat into secret immorality to understand and explore what they are experiencing, and perhaps the stereotypes and/or problems with the gay community would slowly disappear. </span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><a href="http://s3.amazonaws.com/tgc-ee2/articles/gay-marriage-cake-toppers-485x320.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://s3.amazonaws.com/tgc-ee2/articles/gay-marriage-cake-toppers-485x320.jpg" height="211" width="320" /></a></span></div>
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">"BUT!" I know many of you will say, "If 7th grade Blaine had seen gay couples and homosexuality as commonplace and tolerated, don't you think that he would have made different choices? Don't you think he would have started dating guys? Don't you think that he would have not ended up marrying Lindsay and having his three beautiful children?" and to that I say..."maybe." </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">However, I truly believe that as members of the LDS Church, we have to put a lot more trust in our youth to have all of the knowledge available, and to make choices that are guided by the spirit, NOT guided by shame and self-hatred. Is it possible that if society had been different, that I would have made different choices, yes, I own that as a possibility. But it is possible that I would have made the same choices, but motivated by different feelings. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Whatever society tolerated and accepted, I know that my parents would have taught me the gospel. They would have taught me the importance of eternal families and temple marriage. And then they would have done exactly what I am doing with my children, and said things like "Cousin Dan is coming over with his husband, Bryan. They don't have the same beliefs as we do about temple marriage, but we really love them and are excited to see them." </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">I was always certain that as society grew to be more accepting of homosexuality that it would become harder and harder to continue making the choices that I have made, but honestly, it really hasn't. Because I didn't marry Lindsay because society told me I had to. I married her because I felt very sure that God wanted me to, and because I love her so much. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">If any one of our gay LDS youth decide that they want to stay true to covenants that they make in baptism and in the temple...I, for one, want them to make that decision because they had all information and decided to act in faith and devotion, not because they were scared and shameful. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">While you might be morally opposed to homosexuality, is it possible to see that gay marriage might be a step toward, not away from increased morality? </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">The 31 year old Blaine says, "yes." </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">I hope that the Supreme Court ruling will help our LDS youth, especially those experiencing same-sex attractions, to feel a little less weird. I also hope that the ruling will provide new hope for my gay friends to find what I have: a committed and happy marriage.</span>Blainehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10940552864136974059noreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-778242162076072540.post-90912816255509775722015-06-02T18:07:00.003-07:002015-06-03T07:54:39.891-07:00Jumping to Conclusions about Mr. (Ms.) Jenner<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Let me start out by stating something that you already know: I'm not your dad (I guess I should clarify that, unless you are George, Fred, or Will Hickman... I'm not your dad). You can draw some conclusions from the fact that I'm not your dad, such as 1.) If I wear socks with sandals, its because its in style and not because I'm a nerd who doesn't know about fashion. 2.) All of my jokes are funny. 3.) I can't tell you what to do. The third conclusion just listed will be especially important for you to remember as I am about to tell you what opinion you should have about someone in pop-culture. People don't like being told what to do...so, I thought I would warn you that it was coming, that way you could choose to click away or move forward with caution. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">As I'm not deluding myself into thinking that this blog is read by an extremely wide audience, the focus of my comments are directed toward people with a religious background who might find themselves experiencing strong feelings about the recent coming out of Caitlyn Jenner on the cover of Vanity Fair. I'm also not deluding myself into thinking that I am always right (except for when it comes to Saved by the Bell or Lord of the Rings Trivia) and so I can accept and deal with the fact that there might be opinions different than mine...but let me tell you why mine is right. ;)</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Let me get this out of the way: Gender identity issues and sexual orientation issues are NOT the same thing. Many people don't make a distinction between these two things and I can assure you that they are very much different.</span></span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><a href="http://lgbtq.missouri.edu/wp-content/uploads/2012/07/GIDSG-rainbow-people2.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://lgbtq.missouri.edu/wp-content/uploads/2012/07/GIDSG-rainbow-people2.png" height="161" width="400" /></a></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">You might think that you know something about gender identity issues, but I'm pretty sure you don't. That sounded rude...but its less rude if I'm lumping myself into the same category, right? Rude or not, I have had enough experience with issues related to human sexuality to know that MOST people do not have enough working knowledge about gender identity issues to be able to form a reasonable opinion about the subject...myself included. The issues are so varied and complex and so deeply rooted into a person's sense of self, that it is almost impossible to understand on any level the experience unless you personally experience gender identity issues or are personally acquainted with someone experiencing it and have the opportunity to speak very openly and frankly about the subject. With so few transgendered individuals open about their experiences, especially in the religious community, it makes sense that there is so much unknown and misunderstood about the topic.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">I have had the amazing and humbling opportunity through my involvement with North Star International over the last 6 months to be introduced and affiliated with several LDS Church members whose experiences with gender identity issues range from quietly and privately coping to very publicly sharing their experiences and I have gained such a greater and deeper understanding of such a complex and involved issue.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Even before we are born, as soon as our gender is identified, some semblance of a life plan is mapped out for us. Imagine, if you can, from the moment you have the ability to recollect memory you feel like you don't fit, like you are out of place in your own body, like something at the very core of your being isn't right. Imagine the confusion and frustration you might feel growing up with these feelings becoming more and more intense as gender roles continue to split further and further apart. The contradiction is much more than just a preference of preferring female clothing over male clothing or enjoying predominately male activities over female...it is a discomfort in your own body, in your identity as a man or a woman.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">If you are LDS, none of the typical answers seem to work. With virtually no mention of the issue in scripture, and almost zero direction from modern prophets on the issue (really folks...there is very little), church members with gender identity issues are often left to seek out personal revelation on what to do with these feelings. I recently read an article in which someone (who clearly does not understand the topic very well) cited over and over again the Proclamation on the Family and the importance of gender and the roles played by each. The article insisted that gender dysphoria and transgenderedness was a product of a society that didn't appreciate the importance of these roles. I would argue that few people truly appreciate the importance of gender roles more than a transgendered individual. They KNOW that the roles of a man or a woman are important, that isn't the issue, they just truly do not feel like they belong in their biologically given one.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Lindsay and I had what we feel was a life changing experience at the recent North Star conference to sit in and observe a panel discussion with several transgendered LDS members and another panel of the families and spouses of transgendered individuals. It has been a long time since I have felt the spirit that strong, and the reality is, their experiences were very different from each other's. Some individuals feel very strongly that their spirit is female, and they have been challenged in this life to be born as a man. Some people feel that this is an earthly experience that will not be with them for eternity. Some individuals dress as their identified gender to attend church meetings, others feel convicted to presenting as their biological gender. These experiences range in their presentation but it was clear that each of them strives to stay close to God, and none of them...I repeat...none of them came to any decisions about the direction that their lives should take lightly.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><a href="http://media4.popsugar-assets.com/files/2015/06/01/867/n/1922398/4e43f328_Caitlyn-Jenner-Vanity-Fair-Pictures.xxxlarge_2x.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://media4.popsugar-assets.com/files/2015/06/01/867/n/1922398/4e43f328_Caitlyn-Jenner-Vanity-Fair-Pictures.xxxlarge_2x.jpg" height="212" width="400" /></a></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">There has been a lot of conversation about these issues recently with the Vanity Fair story of the transition of Bruce Jenner to Caitlyn Jenner. And frankly, there have been a<span style="background-color: orange;"></span> lot of really ignorant and stupid things said. Like when Mike Huckabee said, </span></span><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<w:WordDocument>
<w:View>Normal</w:View>
<w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom>
<w:TrackMoves/>
<w:TrackFormatting/>
<w:PunctuationKerning/>
<w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/>
<w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>
<w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent>
<w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>
<w:DoNotPromoteQF/>
<w:LidThemeOther>EN-US</w:LidThemeOther>
<w:LidThemeAsian>X-NONE</w:LidThemeAsian>
<w:LidThemeComplexScript>X-NONE</w:LidThemeComplexScript>
<w:Compatibility>
<w:BreakWrappedTables/>
<w:SnapToGridInCell/>
<w:WrapTextWithPunct/>
<w:UseAsianBreakRules/>
<w:DontGrowAutofit/>
<w:SplitPgBreakAndParaMark/>
<w:DontVertAlignCellWithSp/>
<w:DontBreakConstrainedForcedTables/>
<w:DontVertAlignInTxbx/>
<w:Word11KerningPairs/>
<w:CachedColBalance/>
</w:Compatibility>
<w:BrowserLevel>MicrosoftInternetExplorer4</w:BrowserLevel>
<m:mathPr>
<m:mathFont m:val="Cambria Math"/>
<m:brkBin m:val="before"/>
<m:brkBinSub m:val="--"/>
<m:smallFrac m:val="off"/>
<m:dispDef/>
<m:lMargin m:val="0"/>
<m:rMargin m:val="0"/>
<m:defJc m:val="centerGroup"/>
<m:wrapIndent m:val="1440"/>
<m:intLim m:val="subSup"/>
<m:naryLim m:val="undOvr"/>
</m:mathPr></w:WordDocument>
</xml><![endif]--><br />
<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<w:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" DefUnhideWhenUsed="true"
DefSemiHidden="true" DefQFormat="false" DefPriority="99"
LatentStyleCount="267">
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="0" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Normal"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="heading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 9"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 9"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="35" QFormat="true" Name="caption"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="10" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" Name="Default Paragraph Font"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="11" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtitle"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="22" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Strong"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="20" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="59" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Table Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Placeholder Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="No Spacing"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Revision"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="34" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="List Paragraph"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="29" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="30" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="19" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtle Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="21" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="31" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtle Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="32" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="33" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Book Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="37" Name="Bibliography"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" QFormat="true" Name="TOC Heading"/>
</w:LatentStyles>
</xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 10]>
<style>
/* Style Definitions */
table.MsoNormalTable
{mso-style-name:"Table Normal";
mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0;
mso-tstyle-colband-size:0;
mso-style-noshow:yes;
mso-style-priority:99;
mso-style-qformat:yes;
mso-style-parent:"";
mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt;
mso-para-margin-top:0in;
mso-para-margin-right:0in;
mso-para-margin-bottom:10.0pt;
mso-para-margin-left:0in;
line-height:115%;
mso-pagination:widow-orphan;
font-size:11.0pt;
font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif";
mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri;
mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman";
mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast;
mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri;
mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;}
</style>
<![endif]-->
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><i>“Now, I wish that someone told me that when I was in high school that I could have felt like a woman when it came time to take showers. I’m pretty sure that I would have found my feminine side and said, ‘Coach, I think I’d rather shower with the girls today,’ ” </i>Clearly, this is coming from a person that doesn't understand the issue, who has never spoken to anyone who actually identifies as transgender and taken the time get really get it. <br /><br /> To make the assumption that Bruce Jenner just "didn't like" being a man or that he "preferred femininity" is to discount the complexity of the issue of gender identity incongruence. I feel like anyone that assumes that someone who is transgender is just seeking attention really should seek out more information on the subject (I'll provide a couple of links at the end of this). You may not feel like Caitlyn Jenner should be held up as a hero of any kind, but shouldn't you, as a good person, try to understand why people feel like she is a hero and maybe have some empathy for that cause? <br /><br /> I understand a moral opposition based in religious beliefs to the decision to surgically transition from one gender to another, but I also understand that people who are screaming that opposition from their blogs and websites seem to be doing so with a tone of unkindness that makes me feel like their opinion is more about them than it is about the issue. <br /><br /> In the end, I guess I am not telling you exactly what opinion to have of Caitlyn Jenner (I'm not nearly assertive enough to do that kind of thing). I am however requesting/suggesting/encouraging you to learn more about the issue before you might jump on the bandwagon of making assumptions about the topic and creating opinions about such a complex issue. <br /><br /> I've said it before, and I will say it again. I want people to stand up for what they believe in. Everybody. That is what it means to have integrity. The world is a better place when people have integrity. But "stand up" nicely, and with kindness. You will feel better, and truthfully people will be more inclined to listen. <br /><br /> A couple resources with LDS Interest:<br /> - <a href="http://northstarlds.org/journeys-of-faith/">Journeys of Faith</a><br /> - <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iLjDgnGDV3g">TransMormon</a></span><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: #666666;">
</span></span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: #666666;">
<span style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<w:WordDocument>
<w:View>Normal</w:View>
<w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom>
<w:TrackMoves/>
<w:TrackFormatting/>
<w:PunctuationKerning/>
<w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/>
<w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>
<w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent>
<w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>
<w:DoNotPromoteQF/>
<w:LidThemeOther>EN-US</w:LidThemeOther>
<w:LidThemeAsian>X-NONE</w:LidThemeAsian>
<w:LidThemeComplexScript>X-NONE</w:LidThemeComplexScript>
<w:Compatibility>
<w:BreakWrappedTables/>
<w:SnapToGridInCell/>
<w:WrapTextWithPunct/>
<w:UseAsianBreakRules/>
<w:DontGrowAutofit/>
<w:SplitPgBreakAndParaMark/>
<w:DontVertAlignCellWithSp/>
<w:DontBreakConstrainedForcedTables/>
<w:DontVertAlignInTxbx/>
<w:Word11KerningPairs/>
<w:CachedColBalance/>
</w:Compatibility>
<w:BrowserLevel>MicrosoftInternetExplorer4</w:BrowserLevel>
<m:mathPr>
<m:mathFont m:val="Cambria Math"/>
<m:brkBin m:val="before"/>
<m:brkBinSub m:val="--"/>
<m:smallFrac m:val="off"/>
<m:dispDef/>
<m:lMargin m:val="0"/>
<m:rMargin m:val="0"/>
<m:defJc m:val="centerGroup"/>
<m:wrapIndent m:val="1440"/>
<m:intLim m:val="subSup"/>
<m:naryLim m:val="undOvr"/>
</m:mathPr></w:WordDocument>
</xml><![endif]--><br />
<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<w:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" DefUnhideWhenUsed="true"
DefSemiHidden="true" DefQFormat="false" DefPriority="99"
LatentStyleCount="267">
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="0" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Normal"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="heading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 9"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 9"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="35" QFormat="true" Name="caption"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="10" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" Name="Default Paragraph Font"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="11" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtitle"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="22" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Strong"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="20" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="59" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Table Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Placeholder Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="No Spacing"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Revision"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="34" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="List Paragraph"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="29" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="30" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="19" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtle Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="21" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="31" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtle Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="32" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="33" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Book Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="37" Name="Bibliography"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" QFormat="true" Name="TOC Heading"/>
</w:LatentStyles>
</xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 10]>
<style>
/* Style Definitions */
table.MsoNormalTable
{mso-style-name:"Table Normal";
mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0;
mso-tstyle-colband-size:0;
mso-style-noshow:yes;
mso-style-priority:99;
mso-style-qformat:yes;
mso-style-parent:"";
mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt;
mso-para-margin-top:0in;
mso-para-margin-right:0in;
mso-para-margin-bottom:10.0pt;
mso-para-margin-left:0in;
line-height:115%;
mso-pagination:widow-orphan;
font-size:11.0pt;
font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif";
mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri;
mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman";
mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast;
mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri;
mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;}
</style>
<![endif]--><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
Blainehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10940552864136974059noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-778242162076072540.post-18668099314320863952015-02-11T20:45:00.000-08:002015-02-11T20:46:49.727-08:00Sexual Morality-- You're Doing It Wrong. <span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">Yeah...I employed another cheap blogging trick to lure you in. I made a blanket statement that whatever you are doing is "wrong" so that you would click on the link and angrily try to find an argument about how what you are doing is actually right. This, like pretty much anything else I write about, is one person's (mine...if you couldn't guess) experience and how adopting a new perspective on sexual morality has helped me and hopefully helped several of my clients. There are few things that I would tell anyone they are doing flat out "wrong" unless, of course, what you are doing is creating a list of the top 5 best superheros of all time and you include Batman on your list (you guys, lets stop this charade...Batman is NOT a superhero...he's pretty much just a rich ninja). </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><a href="http://www.rabbisacks.org/wp-content/uploads/2014/11/o-GUILT-SHAME-facebook-POST.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://www.rabbisacks.org/wp-content/uploads/2014/11/o-GUILT-SHAME-facebook-POST.png" height="217" width="320" /></a></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">As a therapist on the Wasatch Front of the great state of Utah, you can bet that I have seen my share of clients who have dealt with/are dealing with some type of issue related to sexuality in one form or another. Throw in the fact that I am a gay male, married to a woman, and a member of the LDS Church and what you basically have is all the makings of what might be seen as a sexual time-bomb, ready to cheat on his wife, disgrace the church, and usurp his life's work at any moment. I know there are several people out there sure that I am either in complete psychological denial, or that I am "white-knuckling" every minute fighting off sexual urges and temptations and that some day soon everything's going to fall apart. The truth is, I don't blame anyone that for believing this way, because there was certainly a time in my life when I would have thought the same thing. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">To steal a line from free-minded hippies of the 70s or from a creep trying to use a really awful pick-up line: "Humans are sexual beings." While I do not fit in either of those two categories of people...I agree with the sentiment. Sex is part of the plan people. And yes, I'm saying that vaguely so it can be applied to anyone's "plan." If you are a strict atheist, big-bang theory kinda gal--sex to you is perhaps an natural instinct to ensure the survival of the species...part of the plan. If you are a God-fearing strict creationism kinda guy, sex is a God given drive to create families and connections...its part of your plan too. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">I believe it is vitally important to distinguish the difference between teaching appropriate sexual morality and flat out being scared of sex (to include sexual feelings, thoughts, urges, temptations, etc.). </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">As a member of the LDS church (and I would venture to guess that other religions have done this as well), when I think of Sunday school lessons on the topic of sexual purity, I can recall the use of the story of Joseph of Egypt and Potipher's wife. If you are not a religious person and don't know what I'm talking about (hey, we don't discriminate here!) let me recount it for you: </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><a href="http://media.ldscdn.org/images/media-library/gospel-art/old-testament/joseph-resists-potiphars-wife-39467-wallpaper.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://media.ldscdn.org/images/media-library/gospel-art/old-testament/joseph-resists-potiphars-wife-39467-wallpaper.jpg" height="320" width="217" /></a>Basically, Joseph does a lot of really awesome things to go from being sold by his brothers as a slave, to being 2nd in command in Potipher's household (which if I learned anything from Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat, this house was all kinds of sequence-y!). Potipher's wife, who we assume was not at all bad too look at, started to grow something of a crush on Joseph. Being the powerful bureaucrat's wife she was, she was used to getting what she wanted and she apparently went for it, telling him to "Lie with me" (classy line, Potiphar's wife, classy line). Later, she got a bit more aggressive with her advances and "caught him by his garment" (take a hint sweetie, when you have to grab clothes or do any amount of dragging...probably not a good sign for you). </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">I remember as an impressionable youth that the key point of the use of this story was that when she tempted Joseph with an offer of lustful passion he "left his garment in her hand, and fled, and got him out." I committed that to memory: "sexy lady tries to tempt you, run like hell" (you may be recalling at this moment the aforementioned "gay" quality I possess and you have correctly assumed that this did not seem extremely complicated to me). However, this lesson might be more simply put: "Feeling something sexual? Run like crazy! Leave your clothes behind if you have to!!" </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">As well intentioned as this lesson is...I have seen over and over again how this pattern of thinking creates addicts. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">One of the lines that I find myself saying over and over again in therapy is "anytime you attach anxiety to a thought or feeling, you have the potential of making it compulsive." And I speak out loud what is often a familiar thought pattern for a religious young and/or sexually anxious person:</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">"Whoa, that lady has a nice butt...oh crap, I'm not supposed to be thinking about that, she's a daughter of God not a sexual object!...avert your eyes....Ok, here I am...not thinking about that nice butt...CRAP! I'm thinking about it again...Ok, sing a hymn...'There is sunshine in my soul today'....sunshine, like on a beach...where I would love to see that butt in a bikini...AAHH! I'm going to hell! That hymn just made me think of a hot girl in a bikini!...think about something else!...something not sexual...uuhhh...ducks...bunnies...Playboy bunnies...AHHH!"</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">How long do you think it will be before this kid can't take the pressure anymore and eventually just looks up some porn and masturbates? He will likely then be wrought with guilt, causing him to have even more anxiety the next time he sees a nice butt, and thus you see the start of a problematic pattern. (and lest you think that the answer to the problem is that the girl needs to not wear such obviously form fitting pants...that's NOT the answer. I didn't even say what she was wearing, maybe it was some baggy culottes, it doesn't matter, she isn't responsible for this...but that's a topic for a different blog post). </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">One part of the Joseph story that I never really heard about or perhaps didn't pay attention to is the fact that Potiphar's wife told him to "lie with her" (again, very subtle move on her part), over and over again over the space of at least "day after day." </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">What?! Why didn't he freak out and run as soon as she tempted him in the first place?! I mean, he is really righteous right? Shouldn't he have totally just fled the scene? I think that perhaps there is something to be learned from Joseph's example here, and its not that he must have been gay. Perhaps Joseph knew something that I believe we really need to teach our children and solidly learn ourselves: </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">I can feel sexual feelings and that isn't sinning. In fact, I'm created to feel those feelings. Also, I can feel sexual feelings and choose not to act on them, cause guess what? I'm not a dog. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><a href="http://www.theparentreport.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/08/Social-Anxiety-Disorder.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://www.theparentreport.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/08/Social-Anxiety-Disorder.jpg" height="213" width="320" /></a>It's so important not to be scared of your own sexuality. Mostly because it would be like being scared of getting thirsty...its gonna happen. How messed up would we be if every time we got thirsty we deemed ourselves a failure of some kind or had a lot of anxiety thinking "I should have been over this whole 'needing water' thing by now!" It just doesn't make sense and our bodies were created for it. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">This is the point at which, many people that I talk to look at me with dazed faces and say something to the effect of "So I'm just supposed to have no guilt about my sexual thoughts or feelings? You don't want that to happen!" and I totally understand this feeling. When you are someone who has grown up taking very seriously the example of Joseph fleeing so fast that only his clothes remain just like a cartoon, you start to believe that your anxiety is the ONLY thing keeping you from being a total sexual glutton. When I make these suggestions you might start to think "If I totally got rid of guilt and anxiety about sexual feelings...I would just be sex-ing-it-up all over the place!" But that, my sexually frustrated friend, is totally false. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">While I don't work exclusively with gay LDS men, it does make up a large part of my practice outside of the hospital setting. And, what might surprise you is that therapy with this population is not all about repressing your sexuality so that you can marry a woman. In fact, most of the therapy we do is learning to become comfortable with your sexuality so you can make anxiety-free decisions about what you want to do with your life. Another one of those things that I say so frequently that I should probably just go ahead and cross-stitch it onto a pillow is "You need to become comfortable with yourself no matter what direction you want your life to take, because it is the same kind of thinking that makes for really unhappy/uptight mormons or super slutty gay guys." (Now I really want a pillow that says that...who can cross-stitch?). </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">This idea of detaching anxiety from your sexuality is important whether or not you are a religiously driven person. People with anxiety attached to their sexuality generally act out on it in ways they later regret and live a life trying to find fleeting ways to be fulfilled in ways that only self-acceptance and understanding can do. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">So then what do I do with all this sexuality?! It's just gushing all over the place?! </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">First...take a shower, a cold one. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">Second, I believe it is helpful to take a more mindful approach to sexual thoughts and feelings. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">Mindfulness is a therapeutic approach that has a lot of different applications and concepts, but one of the major ones is the idea that feelings serve a purpose and they are neither good or bad, they just are. Being in a state of mindfulness involves having a non-judgmental observance of your feelings. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">When I have a sexual feeling or thought...it's there. It's not going to help anyone, especially myself, to try to live my life pretending like it isn't there. And it certainly won't help to be scared of it because, like I have mentioned previously, it happens and is supposed to (remember how we don't flip out about feeling thirsty). I am going to make my life a whole lot easier if I can learn to calmly acknowledge that the feelings or thoughts exist, accept them for what they are, and then make an informed choice about what I want to do with them (that special ability we have that makes us different than dogs). </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">So if our anxiety-ridden kid in our example adopted this concept his thoughts might go a little bit like this: </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">"Whoa, that lady has a nice butt. I've noticed before that butts are a turn-on for me. Interesting. Anyway, what was I doing?" </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">I get that if you are someone with a history of anxiety about these kinds of things it is going to take awhile to get to that point of cool, calm observation...but that is the goal. No judgements about what an awful person I am for thinking that. No freaking out about trying to get rid of it as fast as I can. No compulsively and frantically trying to rid myself of evil. Just a calm acceptance of my feelings for what they are. I believe that in this way, we are actually following the admonition given by Mosiah in the Book of Mormon to "watch your thoughts," by actually watching them. I'm pretty sure he didn't say that you must "freak out and have a panic attack about your thoughts" but maybe I misread. </span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj2Kf6Rq99Y0AE0BVfAlShrXsftl_6vGQMxK8cMgosZ0U6A7Qqs969R2KcWpLbzzkK00LDp62WdF06rVJc-iST1NKOVZqu4-C8Sn2MM1RwJ3M0OQFTzLQ0SLXLUIyg6e7rKXW4hznIZO6w/s1600/beautiful-birds-fly-774313.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj2Kf6Rq99Y0AE0BVfAlShrXsftl_6vGQMxK8cMgosZ0U6A7Qqs969R2KcWpLbzzkK00LDp62WdF06rVJc-iST1NKOVZqu4-C8Sn2MM1RwJ3M0OQFTzLQ0SLXLUIyg6e7rKXW4hznIZO6w/s1600/beautiful-birds-fly-774313.jpg" height="320" width="294" /></a></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">Think of thoughts or feelings like a bird flying in your ear into your brain. Too often when that thought is a sexual one, we attach an anvil of anxiety to its feet and all that does it make it freak out. It frantically flaps around making a mess and the only thing you can do to stop it is to let it freak out until it dies of fatigue or hold it down and suffocate it (neither one of those are a pretty picture). Instead, how about a calm observance of its presence ("oh, interesting, that bird is back") watch it sniff around and decide to leave cause its bored. You didn't feed it and invite it to stay, but you also didn't attach a thousand pounds of anxiety to it and give it no other choice. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">In short, cool your jets. True sexual morality comes when you can mindfully make a choice about what to do with your feelings, not when you scare yourself out of feeling anything in the first place. </span><br />
<br />Blainehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10940552864136974059noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-778242162076072540.post-33654408462938970952014-07-23T19:44:00.000-07:002014-07-23T20:56:32.122-07:00Living in the G(r)ay: How to Support a Gay Loved One<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<o:OfficeDocumentSettings>
<o:AllowPNG/>
</o:OfficeDocumentSettings>
</xml><![endif]--><br />
<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<w:WordDocument>
<w:View>Normal</w:View>
<w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom>
<w:TrackMoves/>
<w:TrackFormatting/>
<w:PunctuationKerning/>
<w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/>
<w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>
<w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent>
<w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>
<w:DoNotPromoteQF/>
<w:LidThemeOther>EN-US</w:LidThemeOther>
<w:LidThemeAsian>X-NONE</w:LidThemeAsian>
<w:LidThemeComplexScript>X-NONE</w:LidThemeComplexScript>
<w:Compatibility>
<w:BreakWrappedTables/>
<w:SnapToGridInCell/>
<w:WrapTextWithPunct/>
<w:UseAsianBreakRules/>
<w:DontGrowAutofit/>
<w:SplitPgBreakAndParaMark/>
<w:DontVertAlignCellWithSp/>
<w:DontBreakConstrainedForcedTables/>
<w:DontVertAlignInTxbx/>
<w:Word11KerningPairs/>
<w:CachedColBalance/>
</w:Compatibility>
<m:mathPr>
<m:mathFont m:val="Cambria Math"/>
<m:brkBin m:val="before"/>
<m:brkBinSub m:val="--"/>
<m:smallFrac m:val="off"/>
<m:dispDef/>
<m:lMargin m:val="0"/>
<m:rMargin m:val="0"/>
<m:defJc m:val="centerGroup"/>
<m:wrapIndent m:val="1440"/>
<m:intLim m:val="subSup"/>
<m:naryLim m:val="undOvr"/>
</m:mathPr></w:WordDocument>
</xml><![endif]--><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Life…is complicated. Anyone who tries to tell you
otherwise is lying to themselves, and to you, and you should maybe think about
getting another life-advice giver. How do I know so emphatically that life is
complicated? Three words: No-bake cookies (does that count as only two words
with the hyphen?) Yes, those delicious devils can be whipped up in minutes and
consumed in one sitting by me.</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhqKH3bF6yMQaWeIveY5Nvi2puzm8HmRPGhOR3WLvxlSyUrk2EtBaIW0l-LtrtHkdIaj69DJgq5ALKhit5k2EP9GCTdgIxP600eeQwv7dsz32ZR0ycEl5r3qk3s1LlIU3N6mLIaAG234b0N/s1600/no-bake-cookies.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhqKH3bF6yMQaWeIveY5Nvi2puzm8HmRPGhOR3WLvxlSyUrk2EtBaIW0l-LtrtHkdIaj69DJgq5ALKhit5k2EP9GCTdgIxP600eeQwv7dsz32ZR0ycEl5r3qk3s1LlIU3N6mLIaAG234b0N/s1600/no-bake-cookies.jpg" height="212" width="320" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">I love them.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">I also happen to be the world’s best No-Bake Cookie Maker
as well, so that only complicates the situation, because you see there is a
problem. As much as I love no-bake cookies I have also learned from a certain
blue monster that they are a “sometimes food.” </span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Damn that monster. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Who does he think he is? Coming around, growling in my
face about how these mini-piles of chocolate, sugar, and oats are to be limited
in some way?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That the joy that is felt
bite after bite is somehow not good for me?!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">I know, I know, all of you healthy people out there are
saying “cookies are fine! Just enjoy one and then there is nothing wrong with
it!” </span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">I don’t want just one. I want 8. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">And therein lies the complication. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">As you can probably imagine, over the years I have faced
and dealt with a lot personal complications, (some even more confusing than my
no-bake cookie conundrum!) and recent months have provided me with some special
opportunities to become more and more acquainted with complication, and I’m
really grateful for it. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Since I started this blog and since our Voice(s) of Hope
video came out, I have had a lot of conversations with people in various stages
of discomfort, confusion, and despair.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A
good number of these conversations have been with members of the LDS Church who
are trying to come to terms with their own sexuality. However, many of these
conversations have been with families and friends of someone who has decided to
leave the LDS church to pursue a gay relationship. These well-meaning family
members and friends are scared and confused, and their feelings are real. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Now, for the black and white thinker, there are two
options: </span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">1.<span style="-moz-font-feature-settings: normal; -moz-font-language-override: normal; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span></span>Angry Gay Activist Response: “What kind of
family are you that you even have to be confused about this?! He/She is happy! <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Your church teaches you to hate! It’s not your
place to judge so just let them live their life and stop being so bigoted!” </span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">2.<span style="-moz-font-feature-settings: normal; -moz-font-language-override: normal; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span></span>Crazy Religious Zealot Response: <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Homosexuality is a sin that brings hell and
damnation! Gays! Gays! Go Away! Don’t Come Again Another Day!” </span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj76Rg48zkLt5StjV4T8Z7dEJQzodvwR8kFbG5ihNN5RZfAnEMZMGG_3MblD-_AW31x2MY1GJ5xMiOyO2sC2ofdbRzptqvhPu4ZV1loZvokydJujkD_NuZJMuNPaqE0Fcm0nyV76EnpOvz1/s1600/wasza-wina.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj76Rg48zkLt5StjV4T8Z7dEJQzodvwR8kFbG5ihNN5RZfAnEMZMGG_3MblD-_AW31x2MY1GJ5xMiOyO2sC2ofdbRzptqvhPu4ZV1loZvokydJujkD_NuZJMuNPaqE0Fcm0nyV76EnpOvz1/s1600/wasza-wina.jpg" height="210" width="320" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Thankfully, I have honestly only had personal relationships with a few
people in my life whose beliefs have fit strictly into either category above.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>However, it is extremely
unfortunate that those from either party tend to break-up any conversation about the
issue, leaving people to retreat and feel pressured to join either side. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">The LDS Church in recent years has made a lot of efforts
at trying to provide an option that is somewhere in the middle with statements
like: </span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The Church’s
affirmation of marriage as being between a man and a woman “neither constitutes
nor condones any kind of hostility toward gays and lesbians.” On the contrary,
many Church leaders have spoken clearly about the love and respect with which
all people are to be treated.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></i>–LDS.org</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Or </span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The Church favors
measures that define marriage as the union of a man and a woman. However,
“protecting marriage between a man and a woman does not remove Church members’
Christian obligations of love, kindness and humanity toward all people.” </i>–LDS.org</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">I believe that these statements are very true, but I also
believe that they can feel quite vague to someone whose brother, sister, son,
or daughter comes out of the closet and decides to pursue a life different from
what had been planned since they were born.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Over and over again I talk to families who are very clear about their
continued love for this family member, but feel confused on how that love is to
be shown. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">For anybody bothered as to why someone would be confused
on how to show love for someone they have loved their whole life, consider this
perspective: </span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Faithful members of the LDS Church have grown up their
entire lives learning the importance of eternal families. It is one of the most
closely and dearly held beliefs in the gospel.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The foundation of an eternal family begins with the marriage of a mother
and father who are sealed together and to their children.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The Proclamation to the Family (modern day
revelation given through a modern prophet) describes the divinity of gender and
the sacred roles of mother and father. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">So…If I FIRMLY BELIEVE this to be true, how is it at all
loving for me to be “ok” and “supportive” of a child, brother or sister’s
decisions that lead me to believe he/she will not be connected to us eternally?
If I’m just ok with them being gay and leaving the church, aren’t I saying “I
don’t really care about your eternal salvation…just do what feels good.”? <a href="https://www.blogger.com/null" name="_GoBack"></a></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">But also, I love this person so much and I truly want
them to be happy!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I also TRULY value
agency and each person’s ability and right to make their own decisions. I want
someone to choose the happiness I feel living the teachings of the LDS Church,
but I REALLY don’t want to be a part of MAKING someone live that life! </span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Sorting through all of these emotions and beliefs can get
very confusing however, there are two things I feel are very important for a
family member or friend to consider when coming to any conclusions about what
steps to take in regards to their gay loved one: </span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">1. It will never be wrong to show genuine love.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">2. No one ever returned to a home where they didn't feel
loved. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Let's discuss these two statements separately.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">1. It will never be
wrong to show genuine love. </i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Several months ago, I was following a Facebook discussion
about some controversial article related to homosexuality and religion (there
are so many of those these days, that it's hard to keep track which is which!)
Amidst all of the heated statements from either side or angle of the argument,
a friend of mine made a statement that I have not been able to forget since,
and it has given me some guidance in my behavior since then. He said, "I
try to avoid packaging my love with disapproval." </span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Is there a time to make it clear what you believe? To
bear your testimony about the truths that you feel are important and essential?
Yes. Of course.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Having values and living
those values regardless of what anyone says or does is really the definition of
integrity.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is why I feel blessed to
belong to a church that continues to make statements about what they believe,
even if it is unpopular. I want them to do that, that is their job. And this is
why I also feel like a gay married couple should stand up for their values and
assert their position. I want people to have integrity...the world is a better
place when it is full of people of integrity. So, yes...there is a time to
stand up for your truth.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">But there is also a time to show unconditional love.
There is a time to set aside disagreements and just let a person know that you
love them no matter what happens, and no matter what <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>beliefs or values would appear to stand
between us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Because at the end of the
day, we are all children of God. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Mormon,
Muslim, gay, straight, white, brown, religious zealot or crazy activist. All of
us. There is a time for opinions to be set aside, discomfort to be swallowed,
and hugs and love to be shown. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">I believe that you will do yourself a great service by
doing as my friend has suggested and not packaging these times together...and
here's why:</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhpdZGoxMEi_StsQsHgu1TMBk3qWQWRuuCmA8HDHdbKodL5GQiFz_JvHBifSLABhk_QBwbkQ-V6bSr4nUNUTw6zey7r9_v3umVhPBd1bJH4MX8DwyxfP7vleuuG-6N4hXm8EIo4q-bQ-wrq/s1600/a_lgayadoption_0716.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhpdZGoxMEi_StsQsHgu1TMBk3qWQWRuuCmA8HDHdbKodL5GQiFz_JvHBifSLABhk_QBwbkQ-V6bSr4nUNUTw6zey7r9_v3umVhPBd1bJH4MX8DwyxfP7vleuuG-6N4hXm8EIo4q-bQ-wrq/s1600/a_lgayadoption_0716.jpg" height="320" width="277" /></a><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">If every time I tell my child I love him and there is always a following "but,"
what he will grow up hearing is "when you are performing how I would
prefer that you perform... then and only then do I love you."<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You can't imagine the number of individuals I
have worked with that have had a lifetime of problems because they are certain that
their worth is dependent on their performance. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Every time I tell a gay family member or
friend that I love them but I disapprove of their choices, I'm reinforcing the
belief that "you are only acceptable to me if you are doing what I feel
you should do." You could never say that you disapprove again and your gay
family member or friend would know where you stand. They would know because you
continue to go to church each week, you pay your tithing, you sustain your
prophet, or because they ask you. Often the unstated question is being asked
"I know you disagree, but will you love me anyway?"<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>is
my opinion that the "yes" to that question is shown by asking them
about their dating life, attending their wedding, inviting them and their
partner to family parties, hanging their family picture on your wall, etc. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Which leads me to the next point...</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">2. No one ever
returned to a home where they didn't feel loved.</i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Every faithful LDS parent or family member of someone
whom has gone astray longs for the day that said family member will return.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They pray that at some point in the future
this family member will desire to return to the faith they knew as a child.
This desire is sometimes frustrating to the gay family member because they feel
this continues to make a statement of the "wrongness" of their life
choices, but the most reasonable gay men and women I know are the ones who
respect that desire because they know it is coming from a place of love (in
much less emotionally charged terms...it's like my friends who really want me
to love camping because they love it so much.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It's not irritating to me that they want that for me. I know they do
because that is what makes them happy). <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Some people aren't reasonable...we still love
them. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiuUfZ2bi3gzQ_RVMxB_X9LLq7hI6Iv4PP8SA-2Qq82b3M5uvDGCahjFhObNwi__PjD95pYrA5Xelcn4QXYYtogrLg9TcyGdSHWZmYs6OmO_fNqRw_TcJCOD3s3Up-OcjYf4HJr8IW99zts/s1600/prodigal.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiuUfZ2bi3gzQ_RVMxB_X9LLq7hI6Iv4PP8SA-2Qq82b3M5uvDGCahjFhObNwi__PjD95pYrA5Xelcn4QXYYtogrLg9TcyGdSHWZmYs6OmO_fNqRw_TcJCOD3s3Up-OcjYf4HJr8IW99zts/s1600/prodigal.jpg" height="269" width="320" /></a><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">I love the parable of the prodigal son (Luke 15:11-32). I
love it so much not because it is a message of repentance. I love it because of
the example of love shown by the father.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Don't you think the father knew that it was a bad idea for his son to
just take his half of his inheritance and live it up for awhile? Do you think
the father was thrilled when his son essentially said, "I know you're not
dead yet, but can I just have the money now that I will get when you are
dead?"<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When the son finally came
back and had wasted everything, the father welcomed him with open arms! It is
interesting that the father showed all that love without even hearing why the
son came back...his love was automatic. The son could have been coming home to
ask for more money! The father didn't ask him why, he was just so happy to see
him. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">If parents, siblings or friends are to have any hope that
their gay loved one will ever see things their way, they had better know that
this won't happen because they were lectured to death, cut out of family
activities, or distanced from.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The best
option, as I see it, is to provide a home (referring to both a physical home with family as well as a home in the gospel of Christ) where they feel safe, loved,
and accepted. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">But what if they never return to the church?! What if
they never change their minds about this whole gay thing?!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I would refer you back to point #1: It will
never be wrong to show genuine love. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Let go of
needing<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>black and white resolution, and
learn to be ok with gray. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">My personal experience with homosexuality as well as the privilege
I have to speak with people so frequently about their own has led me time and
time again to this conclusion: </span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-d-yYlLulftgctvxvYvzAufGryMsun3UVVIVrgLIrpNNfBucyvUzFoQA130oK6p48wvnxO4OIpzyOppifb40kh_8t-yM7gz3eDrmLYlcWZstSg3oPOAJyplpADQpsJ0aDK_liHEDLL6oy/s1600/gray_scale.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-d-yYlLulftgctvxvYvzAufGryMsun3UVVIVrgLIrpNNfBucyvUzFoQA130oK6p48wvnxO4OIpzyOppifb40kh_8t-yM7gz3eDrmLYlcWZstSg3oPOAJyplpADQpsJ0aDK_liHEDLL6oy/s1600/gray_scale.jpg" height="240" width="320" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Life is complicated. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">So much of life's answers are somewhere in the gray. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">But that’s ok. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Life is also wonderful! </span></div>
Blainehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10940552864136974059noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-778242162076072540.post-17491469895893392272014-03-31T23:13:00.002-07:002014-03-31T23:13:48.870-07:00Positive (Christian Even!) Things I Got from Noah<span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Lucida Grande;">I</span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">t has been a really long time since I have posted anything on this blog, which is sad for me because I really enjoy writing for it…and if you happen to enjoy reading it, then…it’s sad for you too. I feel bad for us. </span></span><br />
<div style="min-height: 13px;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"></span><br /></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">I recognize the lameness of returning to writing to give a review of a movie, but it has been something that has been on my mind the last few days, and I think that there are lots of opinions flying about and I thought it would be interesting to add mine to the mix. I also felt like sharing my thoughts before the whole thing goes the way of “That Movie Which Shall Not Be Named” when people are just tired of hearing about it. If you are already tired of hearing about this movie…its cool…please come back for the next post :)</span></span><br />
<div style="min-height: 13px;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"></span><br /></span></div>
<a href="http://showbizcafe.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/03/noah21.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" src="http://showbizcafe.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/03/noah21.jpg" height="180" width="320" /></span></a><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This weekend I went to see the movie Noah. After seeing the previews I was really excited to see it (which if you know me very well, you know that this is sort of unusual as I tend to make snap judgments about movies from previews and am stubborn about seeing them if I didn’t want to from the beginning). I really liked some of the actors in it and I thought it would be really interesting to see a high budget movie take a stab at a biblical story that, let’s face it, does not give a ton of detail, at least not enough that you could make into a movie strictly from the Bible information.</span></span><br />
<div style="min-height: 13px;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"></span><br /></span></div>
<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Knowing that the Bible story doesn’t have an entire scripts-worth of information on the topic, I went into the movie recognizing that they would be taking extreme poetic license and kind of just coming up with their own version of things, which I was ok with, because after-all it’s a movie, not Sunday School. There were points while watching the movie that I thought “Whoa! This is a crazy take on things!” and if it had ended 20 minutes before it did, I would have maybe felt that it had a super-extreme environmentalist perspective and made God out to be kind of awful. Luckily, as with most movies, watching it to the end gave me a different view. (Best example of this, by the way, is the movie Waitress. If you stop 10 minutes before the end, you would think it was awful, but in the last 10 minutes everything gets made right…but I digress). </span></span><br />
<div style="min-height: 13px;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"></span><br /></span></div>
<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">There is a lot of opinion out there that the movie was horrible and ruined everything that is good about the Bible story. I don’t think that opinion is stupid, I just think that opinion went to the movie expecting Sunday School and were disappointed when it wasn't. </span></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; letter-spacing: 0px;">There are complaints that it was really super dark. Well…you remember the story, right? The entire earth’s population is killed because they are wicked. They drown to death in a torrential rain. That’s dark my friend! I’ve heard frustrations that they refer to God as “The Creator” and not “God.” This seems odd to me because isn’t there a lot of scripture that refers to him as The Creator? Wouldn’t people, especially at the time of Noah, kind of see the Creation as the biggest and greatest miracle to have happened on the planet at that point, why is “The Creator” demeaning at all? People all over the world call him different things, but it’s still God. </span><br />
<div style="min-height: 13px;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"></span><br /></span></div>
<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Here are a few positive (Christian, even) lessons that I gleaned from the movie:</span></span><br />
<div style="min-height: 13px;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"></span><br /></span></div>
<ol>
<a href="http://ageeksblogdotcom1.files.wordpress.com/2014/03/russell-crowe-and-ray-winstone-in-noah-2014-movie-image.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" src="http://ageeksblogdotcom1.files.wordpress.com/2014/03/russell-crowe-and-ray-winstone-in-noah-2014-movie-image.jpg" height="200" width="320" /></span></a>
<li style="margin: 0px;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Extremes are Evil. I felt like the movie did a good job at portraying Tubal-cain (the leader of the wicked) as obviously bad. The character talks several times during the movie about how men decide their own destiny and that The Creator can basically kiss off if he thinks he is going to destroy us. This kind of “man is greater than God” thinking is portrayed as obviously crazy and bad. In the movie, Noah slowly goes to a crazy extreme as well (the artistic license part that people really don’t like). He starts out doing the will of God, but gradually takes the idea to an extreme, assuming that God wanted ALL men destroyed and to be on the earth no more. He is convinced that he must kill off his family and that the animals will take over the earth because all men are pure evil. As Noah becomes more and more convinced of this being The Creator’s will, the movie has him appear more and more disheveled, distant, and...crazy. To me, this speaks to the varying extremes we have in the world today ranging from anti-religion to zealous actions in the name of God. To me, people who picket funerals with signs saying “God Hates Fags” is not any less evil than someone who demands that God doesn’t exist and that we shouldn’t teach our children about him. Extremes, on either end, are not Christ-like or good. Noah makes that pretty clear to me. </span></span></li>
<li style="margin: 0px;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The role of women in God’s work is imperative. Essentially, without the influence of the women in the movie, everything would be lost and no reasonable perspective could be attained. Noah was called by The Creator to build the ark and it required faith on his part to go through with such a “crazy” idea, but without the influence of his wife and daughter (adopted daughter to get technical) he would have missed the whole point. It was love, the love most able to be communicated and shown by the women in the movie that ultimately made the will of The Creator known and carried out. </span></span></li>
<li style="margin: 0px;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The Creation of the world was amazing! Sometimes when I think about the genius and creativity that went into creating the world, I am seriously overwhelmed. The movie, in a sequence in which Noah is telling his family about the creation of the world, it is very beautifully and amazingly displayed. I have read some critics’ feelings of horror that the movie may have been suggesting and promoting evolution as opposed to creationist views. To me it maybe suggested that The Creator (dare I say it?) may have used evolution as a tool to create...but it was still clearly his tool. </span></span></li>
<li style="margin: 0px;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">With only the Old Testament to tell you about the nature of God, you don’t get the whole picture. This movie made me really grateful that I have more than just the Old Testament to let me know about the nature of God. Ever since I was little, stories from the Old Testament made me scared of God. I think that the interpretations of these stories were written by men who either didn’t fully understand the nature of God or just didn’t have the language to write about it and so it is important to get information from other places as well. To me, Noah talked like the Old Testament. His family talked like the New Testament or the Book of Mormon. Showing that God is a God of justice, but he is as equally a God of love and mercy. </span></span></li>
</ol>
<div style="min-height: 13px;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"></span><br /></span></div>
<div style="min-height: 13px;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"></span><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2013/11/14/video-undefined-196A7F3B00000578-247_636x358.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" src="http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2013/11/14/video-undefined-196A7F3B00000578-247_636x358.jpg" height="180" width="320" /></span></a></div>
<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I have read lots of complaints that the movie is pushing an environmentalist agenda. To me...it kind of seems like the original story does that enough on its own. I mean, you are aware the most of the passengers on the ark were animals, right? Last time I checked I think Heavenly Father wants us to be good stewards of the earth and to respect his creations, and I don’t that thats an evil message to send. If you are concerned that it is in fact an evil message...I would refer you back to my feelings about extremes. </span></span><br />
<div style="min-height: 13px;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"></span><br /></span></div>
<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Am I going to show this movie the next time I’m asked to teach a lesson about it in a primary class? No. I also wouldn’t show the Prince of Egypt to tell the story of Moses...because guess what...Moses’ wife may not have been super-sexy, and there for sure weren’t any whales in the Red Sea. Do I decide that the movie is trash because it doesn’t follow the story exactly how it’s written in the scriptures? No...it would be weird of me to assume that a Hollywood movie whose aim is to make money would stick with the simplicity of how it is written in the Bible. </span></span><br />
<div style="min-height: 13px;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"></span><br /></span></div>
<br />
<span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">If you’re going to Noah for a Sunday school lesson about Noah...don’t go. But I feel like it is the same with anything else: You find what you are looking for. If you are looking to be offended by how off they are on the story...you will obviously find that. If you are looking for awesome effects and an intriguing story-line, you’ll find that too. I just wanted to throw out the option that if you are looking to get something positive from it...it’s possible to find that as well. :)</span></span>Blainehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10940552864136974059noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-778242162076072540.post-65077704528814225572013-08-28T19:18:00.000-07:002013-08-28T19:18:38.684-07:00The Jo/Beth Distinction<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">Over the last several weeks, I have been able to observe in two of my sisters a distinct difference in personality that I have always known to have existed but rarely has it been exhibited in so profound a way. I love them both very, very much and so I care about their happiness, but being in the mental health profession, I have also found their differences to be fascinating in a sort of scientific or "case-study" kind of way and I thought it might be interesting to write about. Lest you think I turn all of my loved ones into propaganda for my blog, I will be allowing both of them to read this before it is posted to make sure that they have final approval :).</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">I am calling this comparison in character and personality The Jo/Beth Distinction or the JBD (you know, for when this idea becomes a huge hit and people want to shorten it for literary and conversations sake).</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">Many of you may recall the story of <i>Little Women</i>. In this classic novel, there are two characters who love each other very dearly but who also have very different passions and motivations in life. The characters of Josephine (Jo) and Beth March are sisters who experience, for the most part, a very similar childhood in the same home, with the same parents, but born with very different temperaments. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><a href="http://media.npr.org/assets/artslife/arts/2009/12/littlewomen_custom-ada73ddcfedc2a2036b8e4f349443c0b6d7948f2-s6-c30.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://media.npr.org/assets/artslife/arts/2009/12/littlewomen_custom-ada73ddcfedc2a2036b8e4f349443c0b6d7948f2-s6-c30.jpg" width="319" /></a></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">Jo has a natural drive for adventure. She loves her life and the people in it and appreciates the traditions of her parents as well as the comforts of home, but something in her always strives for new experiences and a life of greatness. While she doesn't invite turmoil and disappointment in her life, she typically sees them as jumping off points to something that could lead to an exciting new change. The "status-quo" typically leaves her feeling unfulfilled and depressed.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">Beth thrives in familiarity and routine. Home is much more than a place to live, it is who she is. She can face really any problem as long as she feels close to the people she loves the most. She is disappointed when others make changes, not because she is too weak to do the same, but because she has such a keen love for things as they are. Change is almost always an unwelcome guest.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">Two of my sisters are, in many ways, very comparable to these characters: Heidi is to Jo as Maggie is to Beth (I recognize this is a little confusing because many of you know that my other sister's name is Beth, but...try to keep it straight).</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjyqW1W4ElClXNaDLc5_GNu1JpbfxwZ7O82oKI-zpejDJuQLpWug1GQa6YSQYnoS5dkCAqDLPqZSnS6_McM6c6X60wYP-i5xM0BCW1Y0T8xGNU5YO5g-I0R3PN9uIxIXSPFTKDGNkWdHo9f/s1600/Heidi.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjyqW1W4ElClXNaDLc5_GNu1JpbfxwZ7O82oKI-zpejDJuQLpWug1GQa6YSQYnoS5dkCAqDLPqZSnS6_McM6c6X60wYP-i5xM0BCW1Y0T8xGNU5YO5g-I0R3PN9uIxIXSPFTKDGNkWdHo9f/s320/Heidi.jpg" width="211" /></a></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">Heidi is my oldest sister. Maybe it was being the oldest that thrust her into a life of stepping into the unknown and thriving. She was a happy kid and very successful in school, but it seemed to my parents (and even I at a young age could tell) that she really came into her own when she moved away to college. I remember thinking how exciting her life was. She met all kinds of new people and made new friends. She dated a bunch of different guys and broke several hearts. She married Ryan, who whisked her away to live in Russia where she really thrived in the unknown, excited to discover new places, travel, and learn a new language. She loves to ski and has taught her children to love it as well, and encourages an adventuresome spirit in them also. She was always the scariest one to ride with on a wave-runner and is (I think) the only one in our family who likes camping. She loves her home, but if offered a job to take her and her family to Iceland she would be thrilled for the adventure and new experiences of something foreign.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEitefdwblWZAikoVdPT0Qnll41AeG_bJdsDRpI7epWu2MaSJYpGhzjTggCZXnLJWRF3B9DH0xPiVqJwmjUCvl-jC-DH3_Ow71_9BghsKm4BcL_Ptkhij8F3TKJvg_FLiNyKHX93h17NjQoU/s1600/Maggie.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEitefdwblWZAikoVdPT0Qnll41AeG_bJdsDRpI7epWu2MaSJYpGhzjTggCZXnLJWRF3B9DH0xPiVqJwmjUCvl-jC-DH3_Ow71_9BghsKm4BcL_Ptkhij8F3TKJvg_FLiNyKHX93h17NjQoU/s320/Maggie.jpg" width="256" /></a></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">Maggie has always been most comfortable at home. She was the child who had to take a pillow with my mom's perfume sprayed on it to sleep-overs and even then, hardly ever made it through the night away from home. She moved away to college as well, but she took a few of her closest friends with her, and she still stays in regular contact with them. She loves a good "to-do" list and really thrives in routine. This makes her exceptionally good at sticking with exercise schedules and having well behaved children. She loves traditions. Christmas and other such times are always really fun with her around because she remembers lots of details about happy times in our family's past. She strives to have her home a welcome place because she wants her kids to have as much fondness for their home as she did for hers. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">Over the last several months, Maggie has been preparing to move to Italy for the next three years, while Heidi has lived a fairly (barring a few exceptions) status-quo period of life. And while each of them is able to see great things about their current state in life...I know that both of them, at times, wish that they could switch.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgX9-MBdikfuYnZfk3jLImB-yVcE8_vZxxaUyRQvw-JJPYNaSMI4V23-l8X53-RUxHxkqiEDOsvKYIRFchOfesGZoESVegM6Tiz5stNRT6wkrg5B_u90B0LfneaeDnECbmnnu4BAr0NOvgP/s1600/Mag+and+Heid.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgX9-MBdikfuYnZfk3jLImB-yVcE8_vZxxaUyRQvw-JJPYNaSMI4V23-l8X53-RUxHxkqiEDOsvKYIRFchOfesGZoESVegM6Tiz5stNRT6wkrg5B_u90B0LfneaeDnECbmnnu4BAr0NOvgP/s320/Mag+and+Heid.jpg" width="256" /></a></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">(I want to take the time here to reiterate that both sisters are very happy individuals...they both often express gratitude for what they have and don't spend tons of time complaining about what they don't. I point out these instances to create a point).</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">One thing that I have observed in this Jo/Beth Distinction, is the tendency for each to have guilt about wanting the fulfillment of these temperaments. It seems that the typical "Jo" that I know will often feel bad when they long for adventure because they don't want to be ungrateful/selfish. The standard "Beth's" of the world often feel bad when they see themselves not inviting progress and positive change with open arms. I have seen this, not only in my sister's but with many people that I have worked with in counseling.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">This leads me to another shameless use of a family member to illustrate a point:</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">My wife Lindsay loves to sing and particularly loves to perform in musicals. Over the years she has been in several productions and has enjoyed getting to know new casts and playing different parts. Recently, she and I were discussing the next show that she was planning to audition for. We repeated a conversation that we have had nearly every time she has auditioned for a show since our children were born, which consists of her feeling guilty for wanting to audition for, rehearse for, and perform in a show that would sacrifice time being away from home. She was also feeling bad for wanting this particular part so bad, as if it was wrong of her to be spending time thinking about and desiring something with such feeling that wasn't about home, kids, or church. Many of our siblings were pregnant and she wondered if she should be having a baby rather than caring about being "Cinderella" in some play.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">It was during this conversation that I realized...When things are important to us, what makes us so sure that they aren't important to God as well? He loves us, right? He wants us to be happy, right? Doesn't it make sense that the desires of our hearts (whether church/family related or not) might often be what he wants for us as well? Obviously there are times in which sacrifices for our families are important and necessary, but wanting good/happy things for yourself is not something to feel guilty about.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjVNzck60hgRnFlHjKgtLLZIBc4I3pnd8nSonKBcBMyGKUOWF4CmFCwH-sf1AFqmhjSGcKP_EkUE9GqaWS-SyhyphenhyphenOSMs9QL6aEhLk2DxY4F5BJw9AFk-z8f8xeqeYCVajKcqpxcM9UhoJr1k/s1600/Be+yourself+b.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="241" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjVNzck60hgRnFlHjKgtLLZIBc4I3pnd8nSonKBcBMyGKUOWF4CmFCwH-sf1AFqmhjSGcKP_EkUE9GqaWS-SyhyphenhyphenOSMs9QL6aEhLk2DxY4F5BJw9AFk-z8f8xeqeYCVajKcqpxcM9UhoJr1k/s320/Be+yourself+b.jpg" width="320" /></a></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">I truly believe that God is okay with Heidi's drive for adventure, and is really pleased when he watches her enjoy them. I believe that efforts that she makes to have excitement in her life are not viewed by Heavenly Father as selfish ambitions but as his daughter living her life to what she feels is its fullest.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">In the same way, I believe that God sees Maggie's desires for familiarity and routine not as a constant intolerance for progress, but as a righteous desire for peace and comfort. After all, he is "the same yesterday, today, and forever."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">In short: Whether you are a "Jo" or a "Beth" or some crazy combination including "Meg" or "Amy" (let's be honest though, Amy is annoying :) ) ...be yourself. Guilt about being you profits nothing.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">Are you a Jo or a Beth? </span><br />
<br />Blainehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10940552864136974059noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-778242162076072540.post-786415782686593702013-06-14T23:35:00.000-07:002013-06-14T23:39:35.312-07:00This Human Will Self-Destruct in 3...2...1...<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">A little background story: </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">Lindsay and I had been dating for some time, time enough to have started talking about marriage. We were in that weird sort of "engaged to be engaged" kind of place and everyone was basically waiting for me to make the next move and pop the question. Roughly a year earlier I had returned home early from an LDS mission for issues related to depression and anxiety. I had made a lot of progress over the year to include having spent several months as an English teacher in China, but there were definitely still some times of struggle and it was during one of these more intense periods of struggle that I decided that I needed to break up with Lindsay. We went for a drive one evening, and I began to tell Lindsay that I was really having a difficult time with things and that I had come to some conclusions: </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>"Lindsay, with all of the struggles that I have to deal with...I don't know that I can ever get married, and even if I can get married someday, I don't know if I can marry you." </i></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">Having spent a lot of time with me before this moment, going over the odds working against us to have a successful marriage and discussing how we would deal with not only my issues with homosexuality, but also my sometimes, but not always related problems with depression/anxiety...Lindsay sat for a long time...thinking. Finally, she said: </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>"Well, we are getting married. So, take whatever time you need I guess...but it's happening." </i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZy36U7ZLiP8PUgNhgCVF_u1_XoBamYwTPuRVRFcJYcFGemrcfOQL2XRC1cn9qydusfYqgk7_0m8uHtzhGPxJRJSptgjEfHh_NF2aqrDrJoPfu1tXQgKVgQTxXjhahaogyoBxEFltKPSYp/s1600/Dress+Up.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZy36U7ZLiP8PUgNhgCVF_u1_XoBamYwTPuRVRFcJYcFGemrcfOQL2XRC1cn9qydusfYqgk7_0m8uHtzhGPxJRJSptgjEfHh_NF2aqrDrJoPfu1tXQgKVgQTxXjhahaogyoBxEFltKPSYp/s320/Dress+Up.jpg" width="320" /></a>Not much else was said. I drove Lindsay home and over the next couple of days, I planned a 10 day trip back to China to spend time away from the situation in a place that somehow was less complicated. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">As you know, eventually things worked out with Lindsay and I. Shortly after my return from China we talked and began dating again and...the rest is history. Somewhere in that history, I asked Lindsay how she dealt with me having been so hopeless about us in the car that night. She said, with very little hesitation: </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>"I knew that I wasn't talking to the real Blaine. I was talking to the evil Blaine, and I knew eventually you would come back." </i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">Curse that lousy Evil Blaine! He almost ruined the best thing that ever happened to me! After she told me that, I made a concentrated effort to be on the lookout for Evil Blaine, and I when he returned....I would be ready! </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">Over the years, Evil Blaine has shown up a lot more often than I would have liked him to, and even though it is helpful for me to keep us separate (see previous blog post related to separating self from issues), I know that I am responsible for Evil Blaine's choices because he is mine...not me...but mine. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">And it is on that note, that I would like to write a post exposing Evil Blaine! His nature, his shenanigans, and how he manages to lead us to self-destruction. I hope that by exposing him, it may help you in your quest to expose and destroy your own "evil" alter-ego (which you may choose to name something more clever than "Evil [your name]." I recommend something with the word "shadow" or "doctor"). </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">Some Important Facts to Know About Doctor Evil Blaine (eh...thought I'd try it...whatdoyathink?)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">1. Evil Blaine thrives on self-destruction born out of a desire for validation. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">2. Evil Blaine weakens when I take genuine positive steps to add to my own happiness. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">3. Evil Blaine does not exist because of actual "evil."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">Lets expound:</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>1. Thrives on self-destruction born out of a desire for validation.</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">Everyone wants validation. It is important for everyone to hear from time to time that what they think or what they feel is okay. Common phrases in the English language are just begging for it: "you know what I mean?" or "right?" cue the listener to give a simple nod to the affirmative or "sure!" so that the speaker can continue on with whatever they are talking about. Communication and conflict go so much smoother if parties are able to first validate what the other is saying ("I hear when you say you're frustrated") before going anywhere else in difficult conversation. Have you ever had a conversation about a TV show, and you ask around to know who else watches it, so you can laugh with them about something hilarious that happened on last week's episode? We love validation. It helps us feel secure and grounded. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><a href="http://gnnaz.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/12/self-destruct-red-button.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="193" src="http://gnnaz.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/12/self-destruct-red-button.jpg" width="200" /></a> </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">What happens when I find myself in a rut, feeling depressed, and down on myself? Sometimes a look around at the wonderful things in my life is helpful, but sometimes it feels uncomfortable because it is invalidating to my current perspective. I might fall into a pattern of discounting the good things in life as simply luck because I don't deserve them, and see my blessings as irritants, expecting more out of me than I feel able to give right now. I might fall into patterns that sabotage the good things in my life because they don't match how I feel, and it is in that moment that I know...Evil Blaine has returned. (Dun dun dun!!)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">The crazy thing about Evil Blaine is that his entrance is so sneaky that I often don't notice him until I am full blown into self-destruct mode, but I am learning. I have learned over the years that these patterns completely defy all logic: "I feel really fat today...so I'm just going to eat this whole box of donuts." "I feel really alone right now...so I'm just going to lay here in bed and not talk to anyone." "I'm feeling really distant from my wife...I could really go for some porn right now." That's nuts! How can Evil Blaine be so convincing that these clearly obvious bad choices will somehow help me feel better?! Its all through the power of validation! Self-destructing, so that my life will match how I'm feeling about it right now. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>2. Weakens when I take genuine positive steps to add to my own happiness. </i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">The most difficult things to do in life are the ones where you make a choice that isn't about what you feel, but is about what is best. When we choose to validate logical/positive thoughts over negative feelings then we can start moving in the right direction. The greatest things in history were accomplished when someone or some people chose not to validate their fears by hiding or running away from problems but chose rather to validate their knowledge about what was right and what would lead to the greater good. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhgzhkuoIMzwiPsrLJPs7J1shGx6xQKTp4bJ5xe2aZ9iPpGw7cpcqg_62M7pNjbg0CqGwFNVULEVX7WNPZ6PP0FzK-euteQTBkjfRtkQfp6_Yf7db1oc1xj6Njnur37OmRzE9K2wgGU2ESL/s1600/sunshine.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="212" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhgzhkuoIMzwiPsrLJPs7J1shGx6xQKTp4bJ5xe2aZ9iPpGw7cpcqg_62M7pNjbg0CqGwFNVULEVX7WNPZ6PP0FzK-euteQTBkjfRtkQfp6_Yf7db1oc1xj6Njnur37OmRzE9K2wgGU2ESL/s320/sunshine.jpg" width="320" /></a>When I am feeling really down on myself and criticizing myself for being fat, wouldn't it make sense to say...work on telling myself that I look great and maybe go for a run? If I'm feeling isolated and alone, wouldn't it make sense to, I don't know, call a friend I know I can talk to? It's difficult to do these things, and I mention taking "genuine" positive steps because, as has been discussed in previous posts, telling yourself you better do it because you suck if you don't doesn't last very long and you will eventually default to easier measures of validating your negative feelings.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">Every self-destructive step I take, feeds Evil Blaine and strengthens his ability to sabotage my life. Every positive step I take to making my life happier feeds me, and gets me back in control. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>3. Does not exist because of actual "evil."</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">The argument could be made that the choices that Evil Blaine would have me make could be sinful. Indeed, my belief is that turning to pornography when I'm feeling down on myself is an action that has spiritual consequences that have to do with choosing "evil" over "good." However, actually having self-doubt and depression is not a sign that something truly "evil" has taken over. Feeling depressed, unsure, and hopeless, happens to the best of us...and I mean, the VERY best of us. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">In Luke 22: 41-43 Jesus Christ enters the Garden of Gethsemane to atone for the sins of the world: <i> </i></span><br />
<div class="" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><a class="bookmark-anchor dontHighlight" href="http://www.blogger.com/null" name="41"> </a><span class="verse">41 </span>And he was withdrawn from them about a stone’s cast, and kneeled down, and prayed,</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"> </span><br />
<div class="highlight" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><a class="bookmark-anchor dontHighlight" href="http://www.blogger.com/null" name="42"> </a><span class="verse">42 </span>Saying, Father, if thou be willing remove this cup from me: nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"> </span><br />
<div class="" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><a class="bookmark-anchor dontHighlight" href="http://www.blogger.com/null" name="43"> </a><span class="verse">43 </span>And there appeared an angel unto him from heaven, strengthening him.</span></div>
<div class="" style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><a href="http://www.oceansbridge.com/paintings/artists/special/30by44inchesCarl-Heinrich-Bloch-xx-Christ-at-Gethsemane-xx-Public-collection.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="217" src="http://www.oceansbridge.com/paintings/artists/special/30by44inchesCarl-Heinrich-Bloch-xx-Christ-at-Gethsemane-xx-Public-collection.jpg" width="320" /></a>In this moment I believe Christ had some self-doubt about going through with his task. He knew how important it was and what happiness would come from it, but for a moment he states, "If I did what I feel like doing right now, I would just have you take this away from me. But its not about what I feel like doing right now...its about what I need to do." </span></div>
<div class="" style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">Doubting yourself, criticizing yourself, feeling depressed, frustrated, or alone does not mean that you must be doing something awful. They are part of being a human. Evil Blaine's self-destructive patterns are not innately evil, they are attempts (albeit unhelpful attempts) my brain makes to make sense of a negative human experience. </span></div>
<div class="" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">In conclusion, I am so grateful that the tricksy Evil Blaine in the car that night, was thwarted in his plot. I have a lot of thanks to give for that:</span></div>
<div class="" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">Thanks to Lindsay who saw behind the mask.</span></div>
<div class="" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">Thanks to Heavenly Father for loving all of me.</span></div>
<div class="" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">Thanks to China for offering perspective.</span></div>
<div class="" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">and frankly...</span></div>
<div class="" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">A pat on the back to me, for eventually choosing whats right for me, not him. </span></div>
<br />
<br />Blainehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10940552864136974059noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-778242162076072540.post-50695216465343033462013-05-15T22:27:00.002-07:002013-05-15T22:27:48.562-07:00The 'Carnal Security' Dilemna <span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">It has been a little while since I have posted anything! I'm glad to be back to writing here today. Whether or not it is helpful to anyone else, I have found it to be very therapeutic for myself and I am grateful for the opportunity to get my thoughts and feelings out of my head and into something productive :)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">The topic I'm writing on today has been on my mind for quite awhile, and as I have been pondering ways to express my feelings regarding this I have magically had the opportunity to speak with a few friends and some clients about these things which has clarified some of my ideas for myself and made me an even stronger believer.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">I know that the majority of those who follow this blog with any kind of regularity are LDS (Mormon). The thoughts that I want to share might seem like they are only applicable to this majority, but I know of several people who are not members of the LDS faith that I believe could find benefit in the concept and so I will explain, as well as I can, some of the terminology that might be very "mormon-ish." If you you get it without the explanation...pin the popcorn-popping-on-the apricot-tree on your nose!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><a href="http://www.lightplanet.com/mormons/book_of_mormon/book-of-mormon.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="241" src="http://www.lightplanet.com/mormons/book_of_mormon/book-of-mormon.jpg" width="320" /></a></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">There is a scripture commonly quoted in LDS church/culture that talks about the importance of staying faithful and vigilant at all times, because the Adversary is very clever and can easy lull you into a state of false security. If someone, in a conversation with LDS church-goers were to say something to the effect of, "you know...that whole 'all is well in zion' thing" or "I don't want to be too 'all is well in zion' about things" for the most part, people in the conversation would know what that meant. The scripture is this:</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>2 Nephi Chapter 28 Verse 21-</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>and others will he pacify, and lull them away into carnal security, that they will say: All is well in Zion; yea, Zion prospereth, all is well--and thus the devil cheateth their souls, and leadeth them carefully down to hell. </i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">In this passage, the writer is talking about how much of the world will be as we near the second coming of Christ. He is talking about the ability of Satan to convince people that "nothing you do really matters that much. Just do what you want to do because things are fine and God doesn't really exist anyway so no one cares if you [enter sinful practice here]. It is referring to the tendency of human nature to often choose the easiest road, and then justify why its okay to just do whats popular or convenient as opposed to doing what you value to be right and true even when it is difficult.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">I understand the value of this message. While I believe I am an optimist by nature, I can't deny that there is a lot of evidence in the world that values have shifted in many areas, and things that were unheard of even 25 years ago are commonplace now. I find evidence in my own life in which I consistently choose what is popular or easy as opposed to what I value to be true. I know that there are plenty of areas where I could "step up my game" so to speak in the Obedience to the Lord Department of my life.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">However, I see many instances in my own life, and in the lives of people that I love and care about in which the message of this scripture has been taken, evaluated, magnified, and misapplied in ways that truly are detrimental, and I have come to an important conclusion: (I seem to be making a lot of these types of aha! conclusions on this blog).</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">THERE IS A DISTINCT AND IMPORTANT DIFFERENCE BETWEEN "ALL IS WELL IN ZION!" AND "HEY, I'M A GOOD PERSON, AND I'M DOING OK!"</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">I have always found it a very interesting (and kind of funny) contradiction that a verse in the Book of Mormon states "Wo be unto him that crieth: All is Well!" (2 Nephi 28:25) and that one of our most famous and beloved hymns says "all is well!" like 50 times! If I took that strictly as face-value, and outside of the context in which both of these statements are made, I might be really confused and skeptical. I can see that the statement "all is well" applies to a different intent of heart (the first applying to the 'all is well' temptation used by the Adversary, and the second to the 'all is well' peace and comfort that comes from light and truth) but I think many of us are not often enough distinguishing between the two.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">While the <i>doctrine</i> of the LDS religion strongly emphasizes the important role of Christ in helping us to overcome our shortcomings, and living prophets and apostles of the church are CONSTANTLY telling us how much the Lord loves us and wants to help even the most 'lost' of us, it is unfortunate that often the <i>culture</i> of the church leads people to believe they need to be perfect and anything less is failure. Often, scriptures like this, and others, are taken and used as a sort of ammo against ourselves in the struggle to be more Christlike.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><a href="http://case-connect.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2009/12/sun_in_white_cloud-784254.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://case-connect.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2009/12/sun_in_white_cloud-784254.jpg" width="320" /></a>I know that God wants us to always be trying to be the best we can be...but I also have a VERY strong belief that God REALLY, REALLY loves us even as we are NOW...right this second, with whatever faults or shortcomings we have. It is my belief that when God inspired the writer of the "all is well in zion" scripture, he meant to warn us of the clever nature of him who would lead us away. He did NOT mean, "don't ever let yourself feel like you are doing a good job, because that's just laziness and of the devil!" I KNOW that God wants us to feel peace, comfort, and joy in our successes, and would love for us to take the time to congratulate ourselves on the efforts we are making even when it would be easier not to. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">I bet that there are some who have read that, and thought to themselves..."yeah, but..." and then came up with a lot of reasons why you shouldn't get too carried away with giving yourself positive feedback. If that was you in any way, I officially diagnose you as needing to do this more than anyone. People are often scared that too much positive feedback will go to their head and make them lazy...in real life, I don't believe that happens.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">Why do I believe that God wants us to allow ourselves to feel okay about things? Because I never feel more motivated to live up to my values than when I read things like:</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>"My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment." </i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">-Doctrine and Covenants 121:7</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>“In all of living, have much fun and laughter. Life is to be enjoyed, not just endured.” </i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">-Gordon B. Hinckley (15th President of the LDS Church) </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i> “Cultivate an attitude of happiness. Cultivate a spirit of optimism.
Walk with faith, rejoicing in the beauties of nature, in the goodness of
those you love, in the testimony which you carry in your heart
concerning things divine.”</i> -Gordon B. Hinckley</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>“Go forward in life with a twinkle in your eye and a smile on your face, but with great purpose in heart.”</i> -Gordon B. Hinckley</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>"Gird up your loins, fresh courage take, our God will never us
forsake. And soon we'll have this tale to tell--All is well! All is
well!</i> -LDS Hymnbook </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>“It isn't as bad as you sometimes think it is. It all works out. Don't
worry. I say that to myself every morning. It all works out in the end.
Put your trust in God, and move forward with faith and confidence in the
future."</i> -Gordon B. Hinckley </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><a href="http://themorningbreaks.files.wordpress.com/2011/11/gbh1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://themorningbreaks.files.wordpress.com/2011/11/gbh1.jpg" width="320" /></a></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">If you haven't guessed, I really love President Hinckley, I think that he so often and so beautifully spoke about the joy that God wants us to have right now, even when we aren't perfect. I think that he often acknowledged something that I have come to know with great vigor: If I postpone being happy until I am perfect...I'm going to be waiting a long time.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">Do we need to be aware that idleness and half-heartedness in doing what is right can lead to a slow deviation from our charted course? Yes. But everyone I talk to knows that. I am more concerned that we work to gain greater appreciation for the value and motivation that comes from allowing yourself a break to say "I'm a good person, and I'm doing okay!" </span><br />
<br />
<br />Blainehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10940552864136974059noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-778242162076072540.post-30194829780366859442013-04-04T22:47:00.000-07:002013-04-05T14:59:01.784-07:00The Origin of Gay<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">I have been somewhat hesitant to write on this topic for a couple of reasons. Initial hesitations were born out of the chronic "People Pleaser" I have living inside my head that doesn't want to say or do anything that might ruffle any feathers or irritate someone. This reason for hesitation was pretty short lived because I realized, that while the things I wanted to write about in this post could potentially be viewed as offensive and politically incorrect, this would not be my intent and if someone reads it and is offended then I would have to let them own their own emotions about it. Also, I realized that my intent for starting this blog in the first place was to offer information/help/support to those who might otherwise not have much exposure to this type of thing, and I undertook this venture knowing that some of these topics can be quite emotionally charged, and that's okay, they should be. It's people's lives we are talking about here. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<a href="http://www.richardgjonesjr.com/storage/research2books.jpg?__SQUARESPACE_CACHEVERSION=1274733532270" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="211" src="http://www.richardgjonesjr.com/storage/research2books.jpg?__SQUARESPACE_CACHEVERSION=1274733532270" width="320" /></a><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">Subsequent hesitations were simply a result of wanting to be accurately informed with references to back up my thoughts and opinions. While some of the stuff you will read in this post will be limited to my personal experience, I want to be able to offer resources that have been more scientifically researched than just my own trial and error. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">Mostly, I want to open discussion on a topic that plays an obvious role in my life and that might get skipped over because of discomfort. We talk openly about the origin of so many human conditions (pregnancy, behaviors, addictions, etc.) with little to no discomfort and the taboo of homosexuality, particularly in religious environments I feel creates compulsiveness and secrecy that never makes anything better. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">The average person might be surprised to find out just how much research has been done on the topic of homosexuality. There really is a whole lot. And while I am not a social scientist, writing grants for research funding, my experience through schooling for a bachelors and masters degree has </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">taught me enough to be able to say with some conviction that the political atmosphere of the day tends to impact which types of research gets funded, and which outcomes are going to be more widely publicized. Political climate, and political correctness has long played a part in the mental health field. I mean, last time I checked, those with Down Syndrome are no longer clinically referred to as being a "mongloid idiot" and thank goodness for that! I am NOT opposed to political correctness in all of its forms, I just prefer it not to supersede viable research and the real life experiences of thousands of people. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><a href="http://www.physicaltherapynorthwest.com/userfiles/image/sports400_5_300x300.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://www.physicaltherapynorthwest.com/userfiles/image/sports400_5_300x300.jpg" width="200" /></a>Several years ago, I was introduced to a theory on the origin of homosexuality within an individual that made a lot of sense to me. This theory is plainly explained and laid out in a <a href="http://www.atkinson.yorku.ca/~jsteele/files/04082316490115183.pdf" target="_blank">scholarly paper</a> by Daryl J. Bem in 1996 called <i>Exotic Becomes Erotic: Interpreting the Biological Correlates of Sexual Orientation.</i> In this theory, Bem discusses a long-time and widely accepted phenomenon of in-born and naturally determined temperaments. He discusses the idea that a child born with a temperament that might lead to interests in gender-atypical activities leads a child to become familiarized with opposite-sex peers. As the child grows through the stages of development a child will naturally begin to feel different and alienated from same-sex peers, perceiving them as unfamiliar and exotic. Over time these feelings of unfamiliarity will create sustained autonomic arousal, and this arousal eventually develops into an erotic/romantic attraction. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">So here it is in less science-y words: little boys who are born more sensitive will tend to enjoy more typically "girly" kinds of activities. This will lead them to feel more comfortable and accepted by the girl population, and feel different and separate from other little boys. This makes him feel anxiety when around other boys and as he develops, this anxiety will turn into sexual attraction. This pattern would follow the same steps in a typical little boy, only his anxieties and eventual attractions would be directed toward girls. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjkBCiNFHn1ytOxOBpaouo4wOwi-pG1DTRwQs_2E68sAlbPJxy37kp1hYcU55CGCWmj_j_65ol_Wu6VZpAOTvJ0pYHoMZJhE3Sfdf4_B8IZtdrQPAqgK3Q6gKa7ijHw5V22RKBHlSjVqOte/s1600/16a7d9a6-e957-4cfc-8ebe-84f88c58f705.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjkBCiNFHn1ytOxOBpaouo4wOwi-pG1DTRwQs_2E68sAlbPJxy37kp1hYcU55CGCWmj_j_65ol_Wu6VZpAOTvJ0pYHoMZJhE3Sfdf4_B8IZtdrQPAqgK3Q6gKa7ijHw5V22RKBHlSjVqOte/s320/16a7d9a6-e957-4cfc-8ebe-84f88c58f705.jpg" width="218" /></a>This theory made a lot of sense to me because it pretty simply laid out my experience as a child. In my earliest years, I was different from typical little boys. I hated when my brother tried to wrestle with me and had little interest in anything risk-taking or aggressive in nature. My best friends were my little sister and two female cousins that I naturally enjoyed doing things like coloring, dressing up, and playing house with. I had a couple of male friends, but I remember even from a very young age feeling like I was just pretending to like what they were doing so that I would fit in, and this rarely was successful. I could remember having anxiety around male friends in grade-school and feeling like an outsider whenever I did things with them (this is not to say that all of them did things to make me feel this way. I am still friends with a few of those friends who really made an effort to include me) and I can see how this anxiety turned to attraction at a typical age. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">When I initially thought about writing about this topic, my intent was to discuss this theory in detail because for so long this is what seemed the most relevant to me. I have done a lot of other reading on the topic and I never really thought of this theory coming into conflict with any other theory, until I kind of put two and two together and realized...there is a contradiction. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">This theory by Bem, and supported by research cited in his article is pretty politically safe. This is because it puts homosexuality on an even plain with heterosexuality in pretty much every regard as the same pattern of development would happen for either a homosexual or heterosexual person. It describes a person's discomfort or unhappiness with homosexuality as merely a shortcoming of our gender-strict society that discriminates those who don't fall neatly into socially determined gender roles. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">The contradiction in theories that I have found helpful and meaningful is described clearly in an <a href="http://josephnicolosi.com/a-critique-of-bems-ebe-theory/" target="_blank">article</a> written by Joseph Nicolosi (whom I have referenced previously on this blog) titled <i>A Critique of Bem's E.B.E Theory</i>. In which he suggests that viewing sexual development in this way reduces sexual attraction, either homo or hetero, to the psychology of a fetish. Nicolosi draws from various statements in Bem's article support for a belief that love itself is merely a fetish in both its origin and mechanism. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-SJOKkFb8hnI/TfbKUdzBmBI/AAAAAAAAAdw/YaYfBbnWe5k/s1600/swed.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="150" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-SJOKkFb8hnI/TfbKUdzBmBI/AAAAAAAAAdw/YaYfBbnWe5k/s200/swed.jpg" width="200" /></a>Nicolosi observes that within his theory, Bem disregards the plentiful research on family dynamics, the role of gender in human development, and attachment that identifies a child's natural need to feel love and acceptance by same gender parents and peers that is not strictly a culturally based idea. Nicolosi states: </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>"He gives no consideration to the boy's authentic needs for acceptance,
affection and approval from members of the same sex, particularly his
father and male peers, and his genuine need to experience himself as a
boy-like-other-boys. Nowhere is there acknowledgment of the boy's
natural emotional need for attachment and identification. For Bem, even
love is reduced to autonomic arousal." </i></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">Within this critique, Nicolosi touches on a theory of the origins of homosexuality that has had the most helpful application in my efforts to choose a heterosexual lifestyle despite my natural homosexuality<i>. </i>This idea shifts slightly from the notion: "exotic becomes erotic" to "what is missing-and subsequently admired- becomes sexualized." However, this slight shift, comes with a political punch because the idea that something is "missing" identifies homosexuality as a pathological problem in which there is a deficiency of some kind. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">He takes a quote from a clinical interaction with a client and suggests that Bem "<i>fails to understand the developmental significance of critical
moments in the life of the prehomosexual boy. One such moment was
described to me by a 35-year-old client:
</i></span><br />
<blockquote>
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>"I recall the exact moment I knew I was gay. I was twelve
years old and we were taking a shortcut to class. We were walking across
the gym and through the locker room, and an older guy was coming out of
the shower. He was wet and naked and I thought, Wow!"</i></span></blockquote>
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>
</i></span><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>I asked the client to again tell me exactly what his experience was. He became very pensive. Then he answered,</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>
</i></span>
<br />
<blockquote>
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>"The feeling was, 'Wow, I wish I was him'."</i></span></blockquote>
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>
</i></span><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>As a little boy, this client had been asthmatic and physically frail.
Clearly, the "older guy" coming out of the shower was his idealized
self--all that he wasn't, and wished he could be."</i></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">Early on in my efforts to sort out my homosexual feelings I was given the advice that I needed to work hard on cultivating healthy male friendships. In the context of Bem's theory I thought this to be simply an effort to make "exotic" things more familiar to me. I made concentrated efforts to have meaningful relationships with male peers, and not surprisingly most of those efforts ended up with me being really close with men who were like me in lots of ways (I'm not outing anyone here...'like me' doesn't mean 'gay'...like I've said before there is more to me than just being gay). These friendships<i> </i>have been helpful in lots of ways, mostly in terms of being validating to my ego, letting me know that it is okay to be me. This is a great blessing that I am extremely thankful for. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">Over the last few years, and particularly more recently I have cultivated friendships that have helped me to grow in ways that have been less strictly a "validating my nature" sort of help (although there is plenty of validation) but have challenged me to find acceptance and identification in things typically male. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiib-6w0QfcFKJyjqRzFqJREIaQSQDaw1HYvYiIXe-cnnRQkRCsxT005ploOLw1U7xP2QPVyX80gq1wJbWicYEkTmT9uunAdd5PUeYoscmnCDbn-N3rusnV85WrEL0yxobtdK0o6O78DDOE/s1600/photo.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiib-6w0QfcFKJyjqRzFqJREIaQSQDaw1HYvYiIXe-cnnRQkRCsxT005ploOLw1U7xP2QPVyX80gq1wJbWicYEkTmT9uunAdd5PUeYoscmnCDbn-N3rusnV85WrEL0yxobtdK0o6O78DDOE/s320/photo.JPG" width="320" /></a><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">I wish that every guy in my situation could have friends like Brady, Cory, and Shane. Each of them personifies various attributes of things typically male and yet are sensitive and understanding enough to empathize with my struggles in life and help me to work through my insecurities to feel a part of </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">the male population in general. They assume that I will help them build a shed, go golfing with them, go to a Jazz game, or make sexually inappropriate jokes. While they can identify the ways in which I am different from them, they create an environment where I feel like part of a group of men in which my homosexuality is neither encouraged or discouraged, and what is important is that I am a man...one of them. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">There is more going on here than me just being comfortable with males. I feel it is about filling a gap in my development, that hole that has kept me from truly identifying as being male, and subsequently developing homosexual attractions. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">Again, the information presented here is obviously a small part of research and information that there is out there regarding homosexuality, its development, and origin. But I wanted to share the tip of the iceberg as it relates to my personal experience. I understand that these are theories, and by definition do not apply the same to everyone, but I hope that something here can be helpful, or at least spark an interest for you to do some of your own research to find something that is. </span><br />
<br />Blainehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10940552864136974059noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-778242162076072540.post-19293209781675428982013-03-18T08:25:00.001-07:002013-03-18T08:25:39.836-07:00Positive Thinking: Creating Canyons<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://ishawithaneye.files.wordpress.com/2012/03/maslows-hierarchy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="277" src="http://ishawithaneye.files.wordpress.com/2012/03/maslows-hierarchy.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">Do you remember learning about Maslow's Hierarchy of needs in either a psychology class some kind of life skills class? Maybe you don't...maybe you haven't ever heard of it...if that's the case, a basic introduction: It is a theory of human needs that start with a base of basic human needs (food, water, air, etc.) and moves up the hierarchy as the more basic needs are met, until you reach the top which is "Self Actualization." Inevitably in any setting in which this is discussed, you will hear that very few people make it to be Self Actualized because the struggles of life usually keep us at lower levels. While a constant state of Self Actualization is quite rare (evidence suggests that people like Mother Theresa and Martin Luther King were pretty close), I feel like I have met a handful of people in my life that spend much of their time hanging out there, and it has made me wonder <i>"how do they do that?!" </i>How does someone get to a place where optimism and positivity come to them as quickly as self doubt and worry seem to come to me? As I have had opportunity to associate with and mingle with people who fit this bill, I have concluded a few things that I would like to share, and I would like to start about 300 million years ago...</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgDrzZqL9vQhZdcEAoAQN_QL_iCRX_u0WjCNgVfjV0HV539bEAoGMMidT_MT6E3BCEh8vSNIu7jM4xYdjikxYo3Z9v80IpewtYi9awKquV0xOkm2BpBLkJZgidSe9ltbu34RaSyfT6JaCo/s1600/Grand+Canyon+Colorado+River+(1440+%C3%97+900).jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgDrzZqL9vQhZdcEAoAQN_QL_iCRX_u0WjCNgVfjV0HV539bEAoGMMidT_MT6E3BCEh8vSNIu7jM4xYdjikxYo3Z9v80IpewtYi9awKquV0xOkm2BpBLkJZgidSe9ltbu34RaSyfT6JaCo/s320/Grand+Canyon+Colorado+River+(1440+%C3%97+900).jpg" width="320" /></a>I know that I may be simplifying things a bit when it comes to basic geography, but I believe it's pretty commonly understood that many of the largest canyons in the world were created by a river continuously flowing in the same direction over millions of years. The constant flow and friction can create chasms that require an airplane to cross. What may have started as a babbling brook does its work and eventually creates an imprint on the earth, able to be seen from outer space. What happens when you block the natural course of the water? It backs up, creates some kind of lake, and then (unless it is a fancy new dam that controls the level and flow of water through its regular running course) it is going to find a new way around...a new way to get to where it wants to go. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">Our patterns of thinking are quite similar to the flow of a typical river. In our early years of life, we etch out a pattern that makes sense to us, and helps us to cope with the stresses and challenges of life. If, for one reason or another, we etch out a pattern that leads us to have negative beliefs and opinions about ourselves or the world around us, the canyons we make over time can seem impossible to fill and then redirect. We get so set in our ways, and so used to the "natural" flow of our thoughts that we forget the voluntary nature of the direction of our thoughts and cease to see the power we have to start a new path. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">Now, I know that this blog has been the means through which I have done a lot of self confessing over the last several weeks. I mean, so far you know that I'm gay and I can't spit. However, get ready for another unveiling: I think I'm fat. Now, before you start posting comments like<i> "Oh Blaine, you look good!"</i> or <i>"You just have big bones!"</i> or <i>"I'm glad you noticed because it was always obvious to me."</i> This is not about getting validation, I make this confession to illustrate a particular flow or pattern of thinking that has created a canyon I'm still working on undoing. </span><br />
<br />
<a href="http://pierscoaching.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/01/Thinking-Man.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://pierscoaching.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/01/Thinking-Man.jpg" width="320" /></a><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">I've been uncomfortable with my weight since I was probably 8-ish years old. I have spent a ridiculous amount of time and energy worrying about it or daydreaming about how much better my life would be if I looked like [insert attractive male celebrity here]. I have have had seriously irrational thoughts <i>"I think the reason my clients aren't doing well is because I'm fat."</i> and have gone to extremes to try to make things different (limiting myself to 800 calories a day with almost constant light-headedness). I've varied in weight spanning over more than 70 pounds as an adult and I have never felt like I was a fit person. I'm telling you people...this canyon is deep...and the sad truth is, I know that I'm VERY much not alone with this particular canyon. Friends, family, clients, have all expressed frustration with this. Other "canyons" common for a lot of people include related issues with personal appearance, negative feelings about personal performance in career/hobbies/parenthood, pessimism about human nature, and patterns of harsh judgements about others in general. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">While these canyons run deep and seem impossible to change, I know that change is possible, and there are two very important things to keep in mind:</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">1) You can't make lasting positive change with negative thoughts.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">2) People become positive people by practicing. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<a href="http://i.telegraph.co.uk/multimedia/archive/01930/bored_1930967c.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="199" src="http://i.telegraph.co.uk/multimedia/archive/01930/bored_1930967c.jpg" width="320" /></a><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">Imagine working at a job with a boss who always told you what an idiot you are for the mistakes you make. They were always criticizing your every move and told you all of the time that you were basically a failure and that anything good you did was just a front to try to hide what a loser you really are. How long are you going to stay at that job? How long would it take before you would just decide that it isn't worth it to work for such an awful person and quit? Do these kinds of statements sound anything like the things you say to yourself? I know that I have have believed that the reason that I haven't made a change about my being fat is because I don't hate myself enough. <i>"If I REALLY felt unhappy about this than I would do something to change it, but since I haven't...I must be too happy with myself and I need to find new ways to criticize myself." </i>Well, beliefs like this have led to diets that have lasted a few days, or a week of working out, but eventually I get tired of hearing those things and think, <i>"just give me a doughnut, I'm tired of this."</i></span> <br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">Until you see yourself as worth the effort it takes to make a change in your life, you won't ever make it, at least not in a lasting way. The longest lasting change for me came when I literally said to myself on a regular basis <i>"I'm am a good person, I deserve to be happy about the way that I look."</i> As you take time to see the good in yourself, it becomes less difficult to put the work into making things better. Like working for a boss who really appreciates and praises you, you go out of your way to do a good job because it's a pleasure to be applauded for your efforts. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">As for a specific outline of procedures to learn to be a more positive person about yourself and others...the possibilities are endless. There are so many things that a person can do, and routines that a person can adopt to work at rerouting the flow of thoughts and finding something that works for you can be a challenge in and of itself, but regardless of the official method you use, each is getting you to do the same thing: practice. I tease some clients that if people were in the market to learn how to think bad about themselves, they could probably teach a weekend seminar about it and make millions. So many of us have become experts at finding something wrong about us, or finding a way to blame ourselves for the problems going on in our lives. How does an expert become an expert? They do the same thing over and over again until they become really efficient at it. If I work every day at replacing my negative thoughts with positive ones, allowing myself forgiveness for my lack of immediate perfection at the task, eventually I will be one of those people that just as easily sees the glass half full. </span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://ncdalliance.org/sites/default/files/imagecache/600_400/news/Half-empty-glass-008.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="266" src="http://ncdalliance.org/sites/default/files/imagecache/600_400/news/Half-empty-glass-008.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">Start small, and be specific. <i>"Today whenever I catch myself criticizing my weight, I'm going to tell myself that I'm a good person, and I deserve to be happy."</i> Slowly you create new canyons to happier places. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">Until one day you wake up and you're Mother Theresa. </span><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Blainehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10940552864136974059noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-778242162076072540.post-45760973026415326132013-03-09T06:15:00.000-08:002013-03-09T15:18:35.195-08:00Fatal Mistake<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">Though my experience with being a therapist has been relatively short, I have already come to the conclusion that there are going to be certain conversations that I will have about 3-kabillion times over the course of my lifetime. Of course, because they will happen with different people, I'm hopeful that they won't get old (they haven't yet). Over the last several days I have had one of these conversations a few times, and in light of recent events in my life the topic has taken on new meaning and I thought it might be interesting to share. The topic is what I have come to term: THE FATAL MISTAKE. This title is certainly intended to be shocking, as to catch the attention of a patient/client, but is also quite literal as the consequences of making this mistake could, and has, led to lives ending far too early. I want to discuss this mistake in terms of how it fits into mental illness and then generalize it to those of you lucky enough to be able to have skirted by without being diagnosed :).</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><a href="http://www.thedatingtruth.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/12/woman-looking-in-mirror.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://www.thedatingtruth.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/12/woman-looking-in-mirror.jpg" width="259" /></a></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"> Have you ever asked anyone to describe themselves? Unless its for some sort of online dating situation, how often do people default to talking about their strengths? "<i>Well, I'm tall. I have beautiful blonde hair and a cute butt. I am really responsible and understanding, and all in all I do the best I can everyday." </i>This, unfortunately is not common place for most people, I know it isn't for me (except for the cute butt part...I mean...obviously). Unfortunately, it seems that the descriptions of one's self become more and more negative the more depressed or anxious a person is, which makes sense right? Someone who is feeling really crappy about their lives is going to see bad things about themselves much more readily than average. Life's problems often times seem to highlight a person's weaknesses and magnify personal negative traits. But here is where the Fatal Mistake comes in: </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">DON'T MISINTERPRET <i>SYMPTOMS </i>OF A PROBLEM AS <i>PERSONAL CHARACTERISTICS. </i></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">When working with people with depression, especially someone who has struggled with depression for a long time, it is really common for them to become over-attached to the illness and they start misinterpreting <i>symptoms</i> of the illness as negative personal qualities. They will talk about feeling like a lazy person, or being a loner or introvert. They will describe themselves as boring and that they don't even really want to have fun anymore. They will say that they are just a really negative person. Well guess what? All of those things you just described are symptoms, written in the holy book of psychiatric symptoms, of depression! It's not you, It's depression!<i> </i>To illustrate my point, lets look at the official diagnostic criteria for a Major Depressive Episode: </span><br />
<i></i><br />
<div data-canvas-width="902.77938397789" data-font-name="g_font_p0_1" dir="ltr" style="font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 11.3333px; left: 59.4005px; top: 127.741px; transform-origin: 0% 0% 0px; transform: scale(1.02009, 1);">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">At least five of the following symptoms have been present during the same 2-week period and represent a change from previous functioning: at least one of the symptoms is either 1) </span></div>
<div data-canvas-width="3.150666843414307" data-font-name="g_font_p0_1" dir="ltr" style="font-size: 11.3333px; left: 962.055px; top: 127.741px; transform-origin: 0% 0% 0px; transform: scale(1.05022, 1);">
</div>
<div data-canvas-width="261.00668130874635" data-font-name="g_font_p0_1" dir="ltr" style="font-size: 11.3333px; left: 46.0952px; top: 143.075px; transform-origin: 0% 0% 0px; transform: scale(1.01165, 1);">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">depressed mood or 2) loss of interest or pleasure.</span></div>
<div data-canvas-width="848.3113809223177" data-font-name="g_font_p0_1" dir="ltr" style="font-size: 11.3333px; left: 88.0965px; top: 161.741px; transform-origin: 0% 0% 0px; transform: scale(1.01473, 1);">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">1. Depressed mood most of the day, nearly every day, as indicated either by subjective report (e.g., feels sad or empty) or observation made by others (e.g., appears tearful)</span></div>
<div data-canvas-width="885.8927163639069" data-font-name="g_font_p0_1" dir="ltr" style="font-size: 11.3333px; left: 88.0965px; top: 177.744px; transform-origin: 0% 0% 0px; transform: scale(1.02534, 1);">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">2. Markedly diminished interest or pleasure in all, or almost all, activities most of the day, nearly every day (as indicated either by subjective account or observation made by others)</span></div>
<div data-canvas-width="840.0947137947084" data-font-name="g_font_p0_1" dir="ltr" style="font-size: 11.3333px; left: 88.0965px; top: 193.747px; transform-origin: 0% 0% 0px; transform: scale(1.01583, 1);">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">3. Significant weight loss when not dieting or weight gain (e.g., a change of more than 5% of body weight in a month), or decrease or increase in appetite nearly every day</span></div>
<div data-canvas-width="221.21534574317926" data-font-name="g_font_p0_1" dir="ltr" style="font-size: 11.3333px; left: 88.0965px; top: 209.749px; transform-origin: 0% 0% 0px; transform: scale(1.01943, 1);">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">4. Insomnia or hypersomnia nearly every day</span></div>
<div data-canvas-width="732.3600410842896" data-font-name="g_font_p0_1" dir="ltr" style="font-size: 11.3333px; left: 88.0965px; top: 225.752px; transform-origin: 0% 0% 0px; transform: scale(1.01015, 1);">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">5. Psychomotor agitation or retardation nearly every day (observable by others, not merely subjective feelings of restlessness or being slowed down)</span></div>
<div data-canvas-width="217.90601222419738" data-font-name="g_font_p0_1" dir="ltr" style="font-size: 11.3333px; left: 88.0965px; top: 241.755px; transform-origin: 0% 0% 0px; transform: scale(0.999569, 1);">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">6. Fatigue or loss of energy nearly every day</span></div>
<div data-canvas-width="776.3333768844603" data-font-name="g_font_p0_1" dir="ltr" style="font-size: 11.3333px; left: 88.0965px; top: 257.757px; transform-origin: 0% 0% 0px; transform: scale(1.00954, 1);">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">7. Feelings of worthlessness or excessive or inappropriate guilt (which may be delusional) nearly every day (not merely self-reproach or guilt about being sick)</span></div>
<div data-canvas-width="614.7200344848637" data-font-name="g_font_p0_1" dir="ltr" style="font-size: 11.3333px; left: 88.0965px; top: 273.76px; transform-origin: 0% 0% 0px; transform: scale(1.01944, 1);">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">8. Diminished ability to think or concentrate, or indecisiveness, nearly every day (either by subjective account or as observed</span></div>
<div data-canvas-width="52.28066959953308" data-font-name="g_font_p0_1" dir="ltr" style="font-size: 11.3333px; left: 702.817px; top: 273.76px; transform-origin: 0% 0% 0px; transform: scale(0.986428, 1);">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">by others)</span></div>
<div data-canvas-width="805.7320452003481" data-font-name="g_font_p0_1" dir="ltr" style="font-size: 11.3333px; left: 88.0965px; top: 289.763px; transform-origin: 0% 0% 0px; transform: scale(1.02641, 1);">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">9. Recurrent thoughts of death (not just fear of dying), recurrent suicidal ideation without a specific plan, or a suicide attempt or specific plan for committing suicide</span></div>
<div data-canvas-width="805.7320452003481" data-font-name="g_font_p0_1" dir="ltr" style="font-size: 11.3333px; left: 88.0965px; top: 289.763px; transform-origin: 0% 0% 0px; transform: scale(1.02641, 1);">
</div>
<div data-canvas-width="805.7320452003481" data-font-name="g_font_p0_1" dir="ltr" style="font-size: 11.3333px; left: 88.0965px; top: 289.763px; transform-origin: 0% 0% 0px; transform: scale(1.02641, 1);">
<a href="http://soulation.org/breakfastreading/wp-content/uploads/2012/02/Depression-Person-in-chair.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://soulation.org/breakfastreading/wp-content/uploads/2012/02/Depression-Person-in-chair.jpg" width="301" /></a><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"> </span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">Ok, so that is a lot of words, and you may have just skipped over that, and that's alright. But if you'll notice, if someone says that they ARE any of the a previously described things above (lazy, a loner/introvert, boring, negative) those can all be attributed to one of the criteria listed here.</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">Whats the big problem here? You might say. Well, if YOU are all of these things, then depression just became a bajillion times harder to get rid of because you are you no matter where you go. For those struggling with mental illness, I believe it is a vital skill to learn to be able to distinguish between "me" and "the illness" and to not get the two confused. Because if it is outside of me than it is a solvable problem...if the problem is me...well...shoot.</span></span></div>
<div data-canvas-width="805.7320452003481" data-font-name="g_font_p0_1" dir="ltr" style="font-size: 11.3333px; left: 88.0965px; top: 289.763px; transform-origin: 0% 0% 0px; transform: scale(1.02641, 1);">
<br /></div>
<div data-canvas-width="805.7320452003481" data-font-name="g_font_p0_1" dir="ltr" style="font-size: 11.3333px; left: 88.0965px; top: 289.763px; transform-origin: 0% 0% 0px; transform: scale(1.02641, 1);">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">That isn't to say that people aren't responsible for their own feelings or actions or anything. It is a common and good practice in therapy to help people to take ownership for what is theirs to own, in that way helping them to have more power to change what is wrong. Attributing your issues to an illness doesn't make them any less "yours" it just makes the problem not you. It is attributing the negative experiences to the illness as opposed to thinking that I'm just innately an awful human. </span></span><br />
<br /></div>
<div data-canvas-width="805.7320452003481" data-font-name="g_font_p0_1" dir="ltr" style="font-size: 11.3333px; left: 88.0965px; top: 289.763px; transform-origin: 0% 0% 0px; transform: scale(1.02641, 1);">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">If you don't have a "mental illness" this is just as applicable and I hereby give you permission to title whatever your struggles are as "the problem" (you're welcome). Attributing your weaknesses and shortcomings to "the problem" can sometimes help to gain a better perspective of those weaknesses and make them seem like something solvable. Rather than, <i>"</i><i>I'm kind of a boring mom </i><i>and I don't get involved in church ne</i><i>arly as much as I </i><i>should</i><i>."</i> It becomes, <i>"the 'problem' makes me feel like I'm a boring mom, but I know that inside of me is a really amazing mom and a faithful, active member of my church. I'm going to make decisions that I would make, not what 'the problem' would want me to make."</i></span></span><br />
</div>
<div data-canvas-width="805.7320452003481" data-font-name="g_font_p0_1" dir="ltr" style="font-size: 11.3333px; left: 88.0965px; top: 289.763px; transform-origin: 0% 0% 0px; transform: scale(1.02641, 1);">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">The difference is subtle and maybe seems kind of stupid but...hear me out: </span></span><br />
<br /></div>
<div data-canvas-width="805.7320452003481" data-font-name="g_font_p0_1" dir="ltr" style="font-size: 11.3333px; left: 88.0965px; top: 289.763px; transform-origin: 0% 0% 0px; transform: scale(1.02641, 1);">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">As soon as I start explaining this concept to someone, almost always I get the question "Well then what can I attach to myself? What can I determine is really me?" My conclusion is this: if it is something that is going to be there and stick with you as you become who you want to be...than you can go ahead and start attaching it to yourself now, everything else is a symptom. </span></span><br />
<br /></div>
<div data-canvas-width="805.7320452003481" data-font-name="g_font_p0_1" dir="ltr" style="font-size: 11.3333px; left: 88.0965px; top: 289.763px; transform-origin: 0% 0% 0px; transform: scale(1.02641, 1);">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">We are all trying to become the best versions of ourselves. In my faith, the LDS church teaches that to gain a fullness of happiness we are to become like God because he is Happiness Complete. Everyone in one form or another really desires to be the best they can be because they have had experience with tastes of this and it always tastes good. Whether its symptoms of a mental illness or simply weaknesses we struggle with from day to day...I see these as temporary, and really not worth using as a description of who you are.</span></span><br />
<br /></div>
<div data-canvas-width="805.7320452003481" data-font-name="g_font_p0_1" dir="ltr" style="font-size: 11.3333px; left: 88.0965px; top: 289.763px; transform-origin: 0% 0% 0px; transform: scale(1.02641, 1);">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgktpjOXrzhRrHpcjoxY7x1z94TeLifHSGnIv5fKO01j-3n6MRid7GrB-MXQBFINGRLm8HYmk-jW9GMj6QOoBAXszvp0rCnXJBFfeRj7PIM2-FmGToon_-D9xRAF68H1vftAQp66zWTkBX6/s1600/11.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgktpjOXrzhRrHpcjoxY7x1z94TeLifHSGnIv5fKO01j-3n6MRid7GrB-MXQBFINGRLm8HYmk-jW9GMj6QOoBAXszvp0rCnXJBFfeRj7PIM2-FmGToon_-D9xRAF68H1vftAQp66zWTkBX6/s200/11.jpg" width="133" /></a>I'm Blaine Hickman. I can be really impatient. I judge lots of movies really harshly even before I've seen them. I procrastinate things all of the time. I don't play with my kids enough. I CANNOT get through a chapter of scriptures without falling asleep. I over-eat a lot, and swear all of the time.</span></span><br />
<br /></div>
<div data-canvas-width="805.7320452003481" data-font-name="g_font_p0_1" dir="ltr" style="font-size: 11.3333px; left: 88.0965px; top: 289.763px; transform-origin: 0% 0% 0px; transform: scale(1.02641, 1);">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">But at some point between now and eternity or as I become who I want to be...those things will fade away and I will still be empathetic, kind, awesome at giving gifts, and able to see good in anyone. </span></span><br />
<br /></div>
<div data-canvas-width="805.7320452003481" data-font-name="g_font_p0_1" dir="ltr" style="font-size: 11.3333px; left: 88.0965px; top: 289.763px; transform-origin: 0% 0% 0px; transform: scale(1.02641, 1);">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">What will you be? </span></span></div>
<i></i><br />
<br />Blainehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10940552864136974059noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-778242162076072540.post-41213868595116848762013-02-25T10:31:00.000-08:002013-02-25T10:31:21.227-08:00"Special" <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6GNjCUwZLwgkF147h5HXohq_39rlhKVoRjCf0vjeyAx5WTk_zRAT70h1amIQFkt2zX3Q89hEdBSYV6J56nvAubhnjB4DXiuYPSGQKT_ohc6hbR3NRKXfu5935XMHaG2qE4t9qapCntuyK/s1600/40.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="212" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6GNjCUwZLwgkF147h5HXohq_39rlhKVoRjCf0vjeyAx5WTk_zRAT70h1amIQFkt2zX3Q89hEdBSYV6J56nvAubhnjB4DXiuYPSGQKT_ohc6hbR3NRKXfu5935XMHaG2qE4t9qapCntuyK/s320/40.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">I would like to first say how incredibly thankful I am for the abundance of support that I have gotten since publishing the first post on this blog. Sharing these things about my life and the life of my family was a decision that wasn't taken lightly and I have been truly inspired by all the words of support and love from various places, some of which I would have never expected. I have had several people also ask about how Lindsay is doing with all of this and to that I have two things to say: 1) THANK YOU! I am happy to know that there are so many people who are looking out for Lindsay and have her best interest in mind as much as I do. 2) DO YOU THINK I'M CRAZY? I would be seriously an awful person/husband if I hadn't talked to her about this post first! After writing it, I hesitated briefly because I was nervous before posting, but Lindsay had zero nerves about it at all, and reminded me that this has been my plan for a long time. So...to sum it up: Thank you to everyone...I really mean it. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Being that this blog has been on my mind for a long time, I have had several topics running around in my head and I spent some time thinking about what would be an appropriate follow up to the initial "announcement" (P.S. we are registered at Bed Bath and Beyond and Target). I wondered how writing about my thoughts of "being special" would be interpreted, but hopefully I can put my words together in a way that will accurately explain my ideas.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><a href="http://farm4.staticflickr.com/3094/3119650468_7f6561a915_z.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="212" src="http://farm4.staticflickr.com/3094/3119650468_7f6561a915_z.jpg" width="320" /></a>There seems to be a popular trend in theme and message over the last several years in music, movies, and other forms of entertainment to the tune of "I'm different, and that's awesome!!" or "You are special and there is no one like you!" Please don't get me wrong, I understand that the intent of these types of messages is to help populations who feel like outsiders to the norm (for instance, the LGBT population) feel like it is okay to be themselves and I think that this is a really great thing. I mean, it is right?! Even less than 20 years ago it would have been absurd in most cases to tell someone so "different" that it was okay to be themselves. I feel like this trend, in many ways is a very positive thing, but I would like to offer a possible unintended consequence.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZPVMQM3mPPxo8CUXA8PnquUZUzPX7Y5YMUGziDN0scWfzZ887cuLtXZ3A7iAVqcw_s9IadnopEAzKBRhNQ-0VxZFzCvn2O2f5b_LVDt4lrEtOfjQ357I_3XUeSq4bP06FlUgXA0xxNMkK/s1600/306572_373835682671096_1684788903_n1-resizecrop--.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="292" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZPVMQM3mPPxo8CUXA8PnquUZUzPX7Y5YMUGziDN0scWfzZ887cuLtXZ3A7iAVqcw_s9IadnopEAzKBRhNQ-0VxZFzCvn2O2f5b_LVDt4lrEtOfjQ357I_3XUeSq4bP06FlUgXA0xxNMkK/s320/306572_373835682671096_1684788903_n1-resizecrop--.jpg" width="320" /></a></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">When things are going well. Being different and unique is fun and exciting. At times when I have been feeling confident and secure with myself and situation, its fun to be the guy that girls at work or school come to ask if their outfit is cute that day, or how they should decorate their new living room, or to ask for my "super-cute" handwriting to write an address on an envelope or a fake love letter to some guy in their next class. I have enjoyed being able to coach friends on how to give a sentimental gift to their wives, or letting them know which fashion rules they are breaking for the day. Now, I know none of these things necessarily have to do with being gay, but they <i>are</i> things that make me different from the typical male in my acquaintance. After years of working at accepting my differences, I honestly do enjoy them...95% of the time. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">But then there's that pesky 5% of the time. Those times when I feel like I don't belong in the "world of men." When I feel like an idiot that the entire Elders quorum is referencing a basketball game that happened the night before and I'm like..."yeah, I think I was watching Say Yes to the Dress." Or when the scout troop is having a spitting contest and I literally pull a Mulan and dribble down my face... or when I reference a Disney Princess in a blog post :). Maybe nothing really noteworthy or embarrassing happens, but there are times when I have found myself comparing my abilities, attributes, and life circumstances to others and for whatever reason I might feel like I am beyond anyone's ability to understand what I'm going through.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Over time, I have worried that at least to some extent, an unintended consequence of stressing the "coolness" of being different is this: If you make yourself too unique, you might find yourself in times of trouble feeling like you are truly alone.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">This happens ALL of the time, and not just with people who more obviously fit the "different" bill. I can't tell you how many therapy sessions I have been in with an otherwise typical woman, feeling extremely overwhelmed and depressed as she looks around her and sees other women throwing creative parties for their kids, working out every morning, and accomplishing seemingly inhuman amounts of good around them. She looks at her life and may say, "I'm just not creative enough to be that kind of person. I'm really awful at keeping any kind of positive routine going, and I just get by while everyone else is doing these amazing things." She might go on, talking about all the ways in which she is failing, at which point I have been known to say something like, "I think you might be making yourself a little too special." This is obviously confusing, as they just got done telling me what an imbecile they are. We then might talk about how seeing herself as worse then everyone else in her mind, sets her apart and makes her feel alone.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">This might seem a little off topic, but if you haven't read Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl...you have to. Its amazing! There are so many ideas in it that are applicable to everyone's lives and I talk about it all of the time at work, church, the gym, restaurants, the arcade etc. (Ok, maybe that's an exaggeration, but...seriously it is really awesome).</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">One of the ideas that he discusses in there is that suffering is suffering. There is WAY more that is similar about our problems than there is that is different. Whether you are a diet coke drinking, roll-y backpack mom going back to school, or a homeless dude strung out on meth on the corner of 25th and Wall, if we are focused on it we can find so many similarities about us that help us be able to relate to and help anyone struggling with any problem, and isn't that a happier message?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<a href="http://wisdomvoices.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/12/helping-hand.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="http://wisdomvoices.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/12/helping-hand.jpg" width="320" /></a><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">I don't mean to say that my personal struggles are the same as a starving child in Nigeria...clearly they are not, and I will gladly take the cards I've been dealt over many of the cards I see dealt in the world. However, if someday I meet a starving child in Nigeria, don't you think my empathy would run deeper if I were able to look at him and look at myself and see what is similar about us, rather than on focusing on how different we are and how I can never relate? Of course I'm not going to say, "I was really hungry once, so I know how you feel" because that would be obviously ridiculous and insulting. But I could take time to think about times when I have been vulnerable and scared and this might help me to find creative ways to be helpful, and who knows what insights he might have into these feelings that might really help me.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">I guess what I'm saying is that gay or straight, young or old, male or female, Gaston or Mulan...there is so much about all of our problems, whether they seem trivial or monumental that can really be boiled down to our basic struggle to cope with our fears, vulnerabilities, and weaknesses. We all want to be happy, and we have all experienced obstacles to making it happen. Feeling alone sucks...everyone can relate to that. Isn't happier knowing that in times of trouble, the world is full of people who can understand?</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Your thoughts? </span><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/JHVLpTyGgt0?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>
<br />
<br />
<span id="goog_325443532"></span><span id="goog_325443533"></span> <br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Blainehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10940552864136974059noreply@blogger.com17tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-778242162076072540.post-3186023879480905532013-02-19T14:27:00.002-08:002015-10-18T02:18:28.565-07:00Gay Mormon...yup, another one :)<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">I know that to many of you Facebookers or bloggers out there, posts and blogs of this nature seem to be coming somewhat of a trend. Well, you know what else is a trend? Men's jeans with bedazzled butts and babies wearing flowers 5 times bigger than their heads. Over the last several months as I have seen more and more stories coming out about this kind of thing, I have been desiring to add my voice to the movement. Not only because I am SOOOO trendy (ahem) but because I believe it is so important for there to be information out there that can help with an issue that so often leaves people feeling alone and hopeless. If there is anything that I can do to help someone feel like there is hope or to educate people on a topic that they may feel inadequate to discuss, I want to be involved in that. Even if it is only to add to a collection of stories that have been slowly growing over time.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj64c9GvxZapKlJ0EG5Yn_sL6Z4SQD_y5pvAilU6GR0OCQDQlbK_TonxHq0OENDDV2q5Oi7rAFcZDtVbkHd7ypgiTpexQR9vz6fb3EcouUlMbzVanhWwK4qXAZc5IFoRzzDyCiHmUOBrzAm/s1600/a8d20928-8caf-475b-81df-edb3cd75b8ef.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="256" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj64c9GvxZapKlJ0EG5Yn_sL6Z4SQD_y5pvAilU6GR0OCQDQlbK_TonxHq0OENDDV2q5Oi7rAFcZDtVbkHd7ypgiTpexQR9vz6fb3EcouUlMbzVanhWwK4qXAZc5IFoRzzDyCiHmUOBrzAm/s320/a8d20928-8caf-475b-81df-edb3cd75b8ef.jpg" width="320" /></a>I am a gay Mormon. I will use that term, "gay" because I believe it is what most people understand. I have hesitated over the years, in my discussion with people about the topic to use the term "gay" because I feel like it is an inadequate and, I feel, misused term to describe someone. If only because I feel like people are WAY more than their sexuality, and "gay" seems to be used to describe people as if that is all there is to them, or as if that is the end of the story. Like, "he's gay, so...you know...." No actually, I don't know. Sexuality is only one aspect of a person, and while categorizing people and things always helps the world feel settled...I'm sorry, there are too many complexities about individuals, particularly their sexuality, that make it impossible to place everyone in a "group." My hesitation of using the word "gay" does not have to do with shame about homosexuality, but rather an effort to avoid confusion about various things, like, my wife for example ;). I will hereafter use the term for simplification of what is the bigger picture, but, when in doubt, refer back to this paragraph.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">This, I'm sure, will not come as a surprise to most people in my life. Having worked in Inpatient Psychiatry for a number of years, I have been around uninhibited people long enough to know what people's first impressions are of me. I can't tell you how many psychotic, or lower functioning people I have had ask me about it, and I have had several paranoid men refuse to work with me because they are sure that I am going to rape them or something (ahhh psychiatry...I love my job!) Most of the most important people in my life already know because I have discussed it with them (this is not to say that if you didn't know, you aren't important to me...we may have just not gotten around to it). As I have shared this information with people, I have been met with words and gestures of support and love that I am extremely grateful for. I know that there are people out there who do not enjoy the same blessings and I ache for those who are brushed aside or asked to shut up about it (or worse!) in order to not make people feel uncomfortable.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7broHtzv9DygPkioWlHmoMOgdjol50R2tbMwdvPQQkZ1lyHV7J7LKKUfOd73HU2XJlSxJf5yjhXDdtnUF_i4PmXqlnBcyIiiYA25M9PXPKW5rx3zYSAEF0C1ps16oZqYm4qY-WIrJsgO_/s1600/85722837-600c-4d53-816d-099f3ea8865e.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7broHtzv9DygPkioWlHmoMOgdjol50R2tbMwdvPQQkZ1lyHV7J7LKKUfOd73HU2XJlSxJf5yjhXDdtnUF_i4PmXqlnBcyIiiYA25M9PXPKW5rx3zYSAEF0C1ps16oZqYm4qY-WIrJsgO_/s320/85722837-600c-4d53-816d-099f3ea8865e.jpg" width="256" /></a>I have been aware of feelings of being gay probably about as long as you have been aware that you had a crush on someone or thought they were cute. While, like most kids out there, I wasn't at a maturity level at which I understood sexuality and what it meant, I remember feeling different and out of place among boys probably since I was old enough to have friends. This brings up an often debated and controversial topic: Where does being gay come from? There is all kinds of information and research about this topic out there and, not surprisingly, each side of the argument has found research to suggest that their perspective is right. While I don't always agree with everything that is written or found in the research, I am glad that there are people out there willing to look for answers/information regardless of what is popular. That being said, it wouldn't surprise me if advances in modern science discovered a gene that determined someone as being homosexual. The fact is, nothing would change for me. My life choices are made based on what I want, not on what my genes say I am prone to.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjlKQ77XKV4F32B5On_JXKEGRtHy5flhrvhaMWnSZ2FHgH-WGjHnbF547lxzCkmmbRa0X3HJh2OQhvx-_HHCVXhSnQKb0f3ddBytPHzMome0zseJuF9Zl2m0_r9erWK5JcM9IiNUL1zZlyl/s1600/47.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="271" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjlKQ77XKV4F32B5On_JXKEGRtHy5flhrvhaMWnSZ2FHgH-WGjHnbF547lxzCkmmbRa0X3HJh2OQhvx-_HHCVXhSnQKb0f3ddBytPHzMome0zseJuF9Zl2m0_r9erWK5JcM9IiNUL1zZlyl/s320/47.JPG" width="320" /></a>My wife, Lindsay, knew about this before we were married. I took her for a walk, after we had broken up for maybe the third time, and let her read a journal entry that I had written while teaching English in China (which was the first time that I confessed, even on paper that I struggled with the issue). She struggled with it intensely, but briefly, before she received an answer to her prayers, not to mention strong encouragement from her (Skidmore) family. Over the years I have struggled with issues of pornography, discouragement, doubt, and frustration, and Lindsay has been there and supportive through it all. I am lucky to have her, and while our relationship is different from many that I know of (through my experiences with married friends and providing marriage counseling) there are things about our relationship that would not exist if me being gay were not an issue and, frankly, I wouldn't want things different.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgN6qWgtxy4xX2Y_HuXipCP24zi2ufsWbyL-SJ0bVZDco_815CEmaP3MrzbDZ4GsEnKOpon3snqhLBLjXy_U7T-VTK-iVtMBxsWav465D1OCDt1hjVTg_utQVKIQkF91GBiq-jFn0pz6FzA/s1600/rlt_3630.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgN6qWgtxy4xX2Y_HuXipCP24zi2ufsWbyL-SJ0bVZDco_815CEmaP3MrzbDZ4GsEnKOpon3snqhLBLjXy_U7T-VTK-iVtMBxsWav465D1OCDt1hjVTg_utQVKIQkF91GBiq-jFn0pz6FzA/s320/rlt_3630.jpeg" width="212" /></a></span></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Photo by RLT Photography</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">To the world, being Mormon and being gay, is pretty much an oxymoron. I know popular opinions. I know that to much of the world, the views of the Mormon church are outdated and discriminating. Having the life experiences I have had, along with my background in Social Work created an environment in which I have often challenged my beliefs about the church, particularly when it comes to homosexuality, and after all the attempts I have made of coming up with a good argument as to why the Mormon church is not what people say it is, I have come to one conclusion: there is no valid argument. So I need to stop arguing. I'm gay. I know what it feels like, so I know that when someone says "the church is not bigoted!" there are a million ways that someone who is gay is able to say "yes they are!" So, if you find yourself in that argument someday, good luck. However, my faith in the Mormon church tells me that life here is so short when compared with everything that has been and will be. People will argue about their position, and good for them! Its awesome that we live in a place where we can do that. But regardless of a person's opinion about me, my life, my religious beliefs, or my sexuality...when compared to my perspective of where I've been and things to come... it doesn't matter much. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><u>What this doesn't mean: </u></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>-If someone tells you they are gay, you should overly encourage them to date and get married, because...hey! People are doing it!</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">I know that my circumstances related to this issue are unique to me. I know that the fact that I have been able to get married and have children<i> </i>is a potential reality for many people struggling with feelings of homosexuality, but it isn't for everyone, and that doesn't mean that they are weak somehow. Life and life experiences are so vast and complex that each individual has to decide what is right for them.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>-Oh my gosh! I'm a guy and I'm friends with Blaine, does he have a crush on me?</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Do you have a crush on me?! Being gay does not mean that you are attracted to every person/thing of the same sex. I don't blame anyone for initial discomfort but I would ask that you work through that discomfort until you can be normal. The more that we can make this a comfortable topic to discuss, the less we will have people, particularly teenagers, in the church feeling alone and helpless. I am happy to discuss these topics with anyone (of course, I would request that people present are age appropriate...I would like to determine when the best place and time to discuss this with my 6 year old is :) ).</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">I want people to find happiness in their lives. I know there are many out there who are struggling with feelings that are very conflictual and it feels like things won't ever change or that no one understands but it isn't true. I write all of this in hopes that by being open with my experience that it might help someone in their circumstances, whether that involves a personal struggle with feelings of being gay, or as a friend or family member of someone who is. Let me know if there is something that I can do personally to help.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">(A shout out to a recent video done by<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dnhsDuj285c" target="_blank"> Jimmy</a> that was the catalyst to get me to finally do this. And to previously mentioned trend setters :) <a href="http://ldsliving.com/story/68799-living-with-same-sex-attraction-our-story" target="_blank">Ty Mansfield</a> and <a href="http://www.joshweed.com/2012/06/club-unicorn-in-which-i-come-out-of.html" target="_blank">Josh Weed</a>.) </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
Blainehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10940552864136974059noreply@blogger.com31