Being that this blog has been on my mind for a long time, I have had several topics running around in my head and I spent some time thinking about what would be an appropriate follow up to the initial "announcement" (P.S. we are registered at Bed Bath and Beyond and Target). I wondered how writing about my thoughts of "being special" would be interpreted, but hopefully I can put my words together in a way that will accurately explain my ideas.
There seems to be a popular trend in theme and message over the last several years in music, movies, and other forms of entertainment to the tune of "I'm different, and that's awesome!!" or "You are special and there is no one like you!" Please don't get me wrong, I understand that the intent of these types of messages is to help populations who feel like outsiders to the norm (for instance, the LGBT population) feel like it is okay to be themselves and I think that this is a really great thing. I mean, it is right?! Even less than 20 years ago it would have been absurd in most cases to tell someone so "different" that it was okay to be themselves. I feel like this trend, in many ways is a very positive thing, but I would like to offer a possible unintended consequence.
But then there's that pesky 5% of the time. Those times when I feel like I don't belong in the "world of men." When I feel like an idiot that the entire Elders quorum is referencing a basketball game that happened the night before and I'm like..."yeah, I think I was watching Say Yes to the Dress." Or when the scout troop is having a spitting contest and I literally pull a Mulan and dribble down my face... or when I reference a Disney Princess in a blog post :). Maybe nothing really noteworthy or embarrassing happens, but there are times when I have found myself comparing my abilities, attributes, and life circumstances to others and for whatever reason I might feel like I am beyond anyone's ability to understand what I'm going through.
Over time, I have worried that at least to some extent, an unintended consequence of stressing the "coolness" of being different is this: If you make yourself too unique, you might find yourself in times of trouble feeling like you are truly alone.
This happens ALL of the time, and not just with people who more obviously fit the "different" bill. I can't tell you how many therapy sessions I have been in with an otherwise typical woman, feeling extremely overwhelmed and depressed as she looks around her and sees other women throwing creative parties for their kids, working out every morning, and accomplishing seemingly inhuman amounts of good around them. She looks at her life and may say, "I'm just not creative enough to be that kind of person. I'm really awful at keeping any kind of positive routine going, and I just get by while everyone else is doing these amazing things." She might go on, talking about all the ways in which she is failing, at which point I have been known to say something like, "I think you might be making yourself a little too special." This is obviously confusing, as they just got done telling me what an imbecile they are. We then might talk about how seeing herself as worse then everyone else in her mind, sets her apart and makes her feel alone.
This might seem a little off topic, but if you haven't read Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl...you have to. Its amazing! There are so many ideas in it that are applicable to everyone's lives and I talk about it all of the time at work, church, the gym, restaurants, the arcade etc. (Ok, maybe that's an exaggeration, but...seriously it is really awesome).
One of the ideas that he discusses in there is that suffering is suffering. There is WAY more that is similar about our problems than there is that is different. Whether you are a diet coke drinking, roll-y backpack mom going back to school, or a homeless dude strung out on meth on the corner of 25th and Wall, if we are focused on it we can find so many similarities about us that help us be able to relate to and help anyone struggling with any problem, and isn't that a happier message?
I don't mean to say that my personal struggles are the same as a starving child in Nigeria...clearly they are not, and I will gladly take the cards I've been dealt over many of the cards I see dealt in the world. However, if someday I meet a starving child in Nigeria, don't you think my empathy would run deeper if I were able to look at him and look at myself and see what is similar about us, rather than on focusing on how different we are and how I can never relate? Of course I'm not going to say, "I was really hungry once, so I know how you feel" because that would be obviously ridiculous and insulting. But I could take time to think about times when I have been vulnerable and scared and this might help me to find creative ways to be helpful, and who knows what insights he might have into these feelings that might really help me.I guess what I'm saying is that gay or straight, young or old, male or female, Gaston or Mulan...there is so much about all of our problems, whether they seem trivial or monumental that can really be boiled down to our basic struggle to cope with our fears, vulnerabilities, and weaknesses. We all want to be happy, and we have all experienced obstacles to making it happen. Feeling alone sucks...everyone can relate to that. Isn't happier knowing that in times of trouble, the world is full of people who can understand?
Your thoughts?
I feel like I'm intruding on your blog a bit, but I want to say that I really enjoyed reading this post. I haven't read Man's Search for Meaning, but I like the idea that suffering is suffering. There may be vastly different circumstances, but within our own contexts we have each had pain and joy and no one's experience is invalid because their circumstance doesn't seem as extreme as another's. I think about that sometimes when my toddler is throwing a tantrum over being given the wrong color cup :) We probably often look like toddlers throwing tantrums to our Father in Heaven, but He has a unique ability to value each of our pains because we do. I know your post is about more than that, but that's what struck me.
ReplyDeleteThat is exactly what the post is about! Whether your problem is getting the wrong color cup or not having any cup at all, I think our experiences teach us what it is like to suffer and that helps us be able to understand others. :)
DeleteFirst off, I was dying laughing during the majority of this because I could actually hear you saying it. Your delivery is ALWAYS spot on. Second, you said it perfectly explaining cards being dealt and everyone having a different hand. It truly is what you do with your hand that makes you special. We all have bad things happen to us or brought into different situations that if given a choice we would have picked differently. But what you make of that situation is the important thing. You have made the best of your situation. I am not implying that every person that is gay could get married and live a similar life. But you have fully chosen your decision and made it the best life possible for you and your family.
ReplyDeleteI have so much for love for you and Lindsay. Thanks for sharing and being so wonderful.
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ReplyDeleteI love this Blaine. I am so grateful for you and your blog...for putting all of these thoughts out there. What great perspective! I have thought a lot about this subject recently...suffering is suffering or disappointment is disappointment. It seems to me there is no such thing as a "perfect" life. No one is free from it...even Christ, who was perfect, had to experience it. So, yeah! I am so glad that I am "not special" :) and with that comes an instant bond with human kind. What is that saying, "Be kind to everyone you meet...because they are fighting a hard battle."
ReplyDeleteP.S. I heart Ingrid!
ReplyDeleteDitch my last comment about being a writer INSTEAD of psychiatry... you clearly do both well!
ReplyDeleteLove this. It's so fun to hear your thoughts and perspective. I think it's quite amazing and awesome how different people are but that at the same time we can all relate. Thanks for sharing Blaine! Love you and Lindsay and your cute family!
ReplyDeletefirst of all, you and lindsay are awesome!
ReplyDeletesecondly, thanks for sharing so many great thoughts. if we were all a little kinder and searched a little deeper i'm certain we would find commonalities among even those we would never expect. that common ground really is the way to build trust in the whole of mankind.
you are and always will be my favorite person. Thank you for your thoughts... I to could hear your voice when reading this.. it cracks me up- made me think deeper and think clearer. I look forward to the next post! Much love to you and your hot wife ;)
ReplyDelete1)So many times I have thought about and been comforted by the letter you wrote a couple of years ago that said essentially "everybody has really hard stuff to deal with"-and because of your own struggles I knew it wasn't just a platitude. It truly has helped me in the hardest struggles in our family. so yeah, it DEFINITELY matters to recognize what we share rather than what's different.
ReplyDelete2)I think our problems are made more difficult by the fact that our society is so glutted in media--personal media, social media, entertainment media, political media. We already naturally compare ourselves with what we think is normal and what we see or assume about people around us. But then Facebook gives us the illusion we know everything about a person, and we watch movies that teach us what it means to be married or single or gay or straight or a journalist or a housewife or whatever. We believe in stereotypes too much, and stereotypes never paint a three-dimensional picture of what a person thinks and believes and hopes for and does in their spare time. All these media messages in our faces all the time make it hard to forget the stuff that doesn't matter.
3) Matt has the same experience all the time with not knowing anything about whatever althlete/sporting event the doctors he rotates with talk about all day long.
4) Have you read Bonds that Make us Free? I recommend it in nearly as many situations as you recommend Man's Search for Meaning. It's not totally applicable to this post; it's about fixing our relationships and learning to be humane always and not to let yourself get in the situation where you gather evidence against other people about why you're right and they're wrong... But I think it relates to your post because of the underlying problem: The author says that we often feel like we need to defend ourselves to ourselves. And we don't have to! We're okay people and any voice that says we have to be superhuman on our own is a false voice. It's a really good book. I'll read yours if you read mine :)
5)I love you and Lindsay. I think of you almost like family. That probably makes me seem really lame because I'm not even very good at being a friend to you guys, but it's still true.
Hey Kat! I agree with the whole media bit playing such a big role in our perspectives of ourselves and others that gets really distorted. Also, I have heard good things about that book. I need to read it!
DeleteI Love the book, Bonds that Make us Free
DeleteSo, Blaine, beautifully put. As someone who believed that no one had the difficulties I did in my younger married life, I have come to see that all of us struggle, though are struggles are different, some harder than others. It took me a long time to find out I was not as different as I had thought. Also, as one of those co-workers who ask you if my hair looks ok, or if you like my new purse, thanks! You have the best taste in anyone I know
ReplyDeleteBlaine, that was me, Chris. I don't know why my grandson Logan's name is on this. Sorry.
ReplyDeleteAnother great post! The older I get, I realize that everyone has had their share of suffering. It is only with using that experience to develop some empathy can we make some sense of it! Love you Blaine! From Mom
ReplyDeleteWell said, that takes a lot of courage to talk about. I honestly dont know exactly how I feel about people who have feelings of same sex attraction, but I do believe that I should stop judging them so much. I dont know their what they go through, and I am in no position, and it is definately not even my job to judge anyone. It is simply my job to love people and let God take care of the rest. I'm proud of you for your courage and sharing this Blaine. I believe much good may come of it! Way to be.
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