The Jo/Beth Distinction

Over the last several weeks, I have been able to observe in two of my sisters a distinct difference in personality that I have always known to have existed but rarely has it been exhibited in so profound a way. I love them both very, very much and so I care about their happiness, but being in the mental health profession, I have also found their differences to be fascinating in a sort of scientific or "case-study" kind of way and I thought it might be interesting to write about. Lest you think I turn all of my loved ones into propaganda for my blog, I will be allowing both of them to read this before it is posted to make sure that they have final approval :).

I am calling this comparison in character and personality The Jo/Beth Distinction or the JBD (you know, for when this idea becomes a huge hit and people want to shorten it for literary and conversations sake).

Many of you may recall the story of  Little Women. In this classic novel, there are two characters who love each other very dearly but who also have very different passions and motivations in life. The characters of Josephine (Jo) and Beth March are sisters who experience, for the most part, a very similar childhood in the same home, with the same parents, but born with very different temperaments.

Jo has a natural drive for adventure. She loves her life and the people in it and appreciates the traditions of her parents as well as the comforts of home, but something in her always strives for new experiences and a life of greatness. While she doesn't invite turmoil and disappointment in her life, she typically sees them as jumping off points to something that could lead to an exciting new change. The "status-quo" typically leaves her feeling unfulfilled and depressed.

Beth thrives in familiarity and routine. Home is much more than a place to live, it is who she is. She can face really any problem as long as she feels close to the people she loves the most. She is disappointed when others make changes, not because she is too weak to do the same, but because she has such a keen love for things as they are. Change is almost always an unwelcome guest.

Two of my sisters are, in many ways, very comparable to these characters: Heidi is to Jo as Maggie is to Beth (I recognize this is a little confusing because many of you know that my other sister's name is Beth, but...try to keep it straight).

Heidi is my oldest sister. Maybe it was being the oldest that thrust her into a life of stepping into the unknown and thriving. She was a happy kid and very successful in school, but it seemed to my parents (and even I at a young age could tell) that she really came into her own when she moved away to college. I remember thinking how exciting her life was. She met all kinds of new people and made new friends. She dated a bunch of different guys and broke several hearts. She married Ryan, who whisked her away to live in Russia where she really thrived in the unknown, excited to discover new places, travel, and learn a new language. She loves to ski and has taught her children to love it as well, and encourages an adventuresome spirit in them also. She was always the scariest one to ride with on a wave-runner and is (I think) the only one in our family who likes camping. She loves her home, but if offered a job to take her and her family to Iceland she would be thrilled for the adventure and new experiences of something foreign.

Maggie has always been most comfortable at home. She was the child who had to take a pillow with my mom's perfume sprayed on it to sleep-overs and even then, hardly ever made it through the night away from home. She moved away to college as well, but she took a few of her closest friends with her, and she still stays in regular contact with them. She loves a good "to-do" list and really thrives in routine. This makes her exceptionally good at sticking with exercise schedules and having well behaved children. She loves traditions. Christmas and other such times are always really fun with her around because she remembers lots of details about happy times in our family's past. She strives to have her home a welcome place because she wants her kids to have as much fondness for their home as she did for hers.

Over the last several months, Maggie has been preparing to move to Italy for the next three years, while Heidi has lived a fairly (barring a few exceptions) status-quo period of life. And while each of them is able to see great things about their current state in life...I know that both of them, at times, wish that they could switch.

(I want to take the time here to reiterate that both sisters are very happy individuals...they both often express gratitude for what they have and don't spend tons of time complaining about what they don't. I point out these instances to create a point).

One thing that I have observed in this Jo/Beth Distinction, is the tendency for each to have guilt about wanting the fulfillment of these temperaments. It seems that the typical "Jo" that I know will often feel bad when they long for adventure because they don't want to be ungrateful/selfish. The standard "Beth's" of the world often feel bad when they see themselves not inviting progress and positive change with open arms. I have seen this, not only in my sister's but with many people that I have worked with in counseling.

This leads me to another shameless use of a family member to illustrate a point:

My wife Lindsay loves to sing and particularly loves to perform in musicals. Over the years she has been in several productions and has enjoyed getting to know new casts and playing different parts. Recently, she and I were discussing the next show that she was planning to audition for. We repeated a conversation that we have had nearly every time she has auditioned for a show since our children were born, which consists of her feeling guilty for wanting to audition for, rehearse for, and perform in a show that would sacrifice time being away from home. She was also feeling bad for wanting this particular part so bad, as if it was wrong of her to be spending time thinking about and desiring something with such feeling that wasn't about home, kids, or church. Many of our siblings were pregnant and she wondered if she should be having a baby rather than caring about being "Cinderella" in some play.

It was during this conversation that I realized...When things are important to us, what makes us so sure that they aren't important to God as well? He loves us, right? He wants us to be happy, right? Doesn't it make sense that the desires of our hearts (whether church/family related or not) might often be what he wants for us as well? Obviously there are times in which sacrifices for our families are important and necessary, but wanting good/happy things for yourself is not something to feel guilty about.

I truly believe that God is okay with Heidi's drive for adventure, and is really pleased when he watches her enjoy them. I believe that efforts that she makes to have excitement in her life are not viewed by Heavenly Father as selfish ambitions but as his daughter living her life to what she feels is its fullest.

In the same way, I believe that God sees Maggie's desires for familiarity and routine not as a constant intolerance for progress, but as a righteous desire for peace and comfort. After all, he is "the same yesterday, today, and forever."

In short: Whether you are a "Jo" or a "Beth" or some crazy combination including "Meg" or "Amy" (let's be honest though, Amy is annoying :) ) ...be yourself. Guilt about being you profits nothing.

Are you a Jo or a Beth?  

This Human Will Self-Destruct in 3...2...1...

A little background story: 

Lindsay and I had been dating for some time, time enough to have started talking about marriage. We were in that weird sort of "engaged to be engaged" kind of place and everyone was basically waiting for me to make the next move and pop the question. Roughly a year earlier I had returned home early from an LDS mission for issues related to depression and anxiety. I had made a lot of progress over the year to include having spent several months as an English teacher in China, but there were definitely still some times of struggle and it was during one of these more intense periods of struggle that I decided that I needed to break up with Lindsay. We went for a drive one evening, and I began to tell Lindsay that I was really having a difficult time with things and that I had come to some conclusions: 

"Lindsay, with all of the struggles that I have to deal with...I don't know that I can ever get married, and even if I can get married someday, I don't know if I can marry you." 

Having spent a lot of time with me before this moment, going over the odds working against us to have a successful marriage and discussing how we would deal with not only my issues with homosexuality, but also my sometimes, but not always related problems with depression/anxiety...Lindsay sat for a long time...thinking. Finally, she said: 

"Well, we are getting married. So, take whatever time you need I guess...but it's happening." 

Not much else was said. I drove Lindsay home and over the next couple of days,  I planned a 10 day trip back to China to spend time away from the situation in a place that somehow was less complicated. 

As you know, eventually things worked out with Lindsay and I. Shortly after my return from China we talked and began dating again and...the rest is history. Somewhere in that history, I asked Lindsay how she dealt with me having been so hopeless about us in the car that night. She said, with very little hesitation: 

"I knew that I wasn't talking to the real Blaine. I was talking to the evil Blaine, and I knew eventually you would come back." 

Curse that lousy Evil Blaine! He almost ruined the best thing that ever happened to me! After she told me that, I made a concentrated effort to be on the lookout for Evil Blaine, and I when he returned....I would be ready! 

Over the years, Evil Blaine has shown up a lot more often than I would have liked him to, and even though it is helpful for me to keep us separate (see previous blog post related to separating self from issues), I know that I am responsible for Evil Blaine's choices because he is mine...not me...but mine. 

And it is on that note, that I would like to write a post exposing Evil Blaine! His nature, his shenanigans, and how he manages to lead us to self-destruction. I hope that by exposing him, it may help you in your quest to expose and destroy your own "evil" alter-ego (which you may choose to name something more clever than "Evil [your name]." I recommend something with the word "shadow" or "doctor"). 

Some Important Facts to Know About Doctor Evil Blaine (eh...thought I'd try it...whatdoyathink?)
1. Evil Blaine thrives on self-destruction born out of a desire for validation. 
2. Evil Blaine weakens when I take genuine positive steps to add to my own happiness. 
3. Evil Blaine does not exist because of actual "evil."

Lets expound:

1. Thrives on self-destruction born out of a desire for validation.
Everyone wants validation. It is important for everyone to hear from time to time that what they think or what they feel is okay. Common phrases in the English language are just begging for it: "you know what I mean?" or "right?" cue the listener to give a simple nod to the affirmative or "sure!" so that the speaker can continue on with whatever they are talking about. Communication and conflict go so much smoother if parties are able to first validate what the other is saying ("I hear when you say you're frustrated") before going anywhere else in difficult conversation. Have you ever had a conversation about a TV show, and you ask around to know who else watches it, so you can laugh with them about something hilarious that happened on last week's episode? We love validation. It helps us feel secure and grounded. 
 
What happens when I find myself in a rut, feeling depressed, and down on myself? Sometimes a look around at the wonderful things in my life is helpful, but sometimes it feels uncomfortable because it is invalidating to my current perspective. I might fall into a pattern of discounting the good things in life as simply luck because I don't deserve them, and see my blessings as irritants, expecting more out of me than I feel able to give right now. I might fall into patterns that sabotage the good things in my life because they don't match how I feel, and it is in that moment that I know...Evil Blaine has returned. (Dun dun dun!!)

The crazy thing about Evil Blaine is that his entrance is so sneaky that I often don't notice him until I am full blown into self-destruct mode, but I am learning. I have learned over the years that these patterns completely defy all logic: "I feel really fat today...so I'm just going to eat this whole box of donuts." "I feel really alone right now...so I'm just going to lay here in bed and not talk to anyone." "I'm feeling really distant from my wife...I could really go for some porn right now." That's nuts! How can Evil Blaine be so convincing that these clearly obvious bad choices will somehow help me feel better?!  Its all through the power of validation! Self-destructing, so that my life will match how I'm feeling about it right now. 

2. Weakens when I take genuine positive steps to add to my own happiness. 
The most difficult things to do in life are the ones where you make a choice that isn't about what you feel, but is about what is best. When we choose to validate logical/positive thoughts over negative feelings then we can start moving in the right direction. The greatest things in history were accomplished when someone or some people chose not to validate their fears by hiding or running away from problems but chose rather to validate their knowledge about what was right and what would lead to the greater good. 

When I am feeling really down on myself and criticizing myself for being fat, wouldn't it make sense to say...work on telling myself that I look great and maybe go for a run? If I'm feeling isolated and alone, wouldn't it make sense to, I don't know, call a friend I know I can talk to? It's difficult to do these things, and I mention taking "genuine" positive steps because, as has been discussed in previous posts, telling yourself you better do it because you suck if you don't doesn't last very long and you will eventually default to easier measures of validating your negative feelings.

Every self-destructive step I take, feeds Evil Blaine and strengthens his ability to sabotage my life. Every positive step I take to making my life happier feeds me, and gets me back in control. 

3. Does not exist because of actual "evil."
The argument could be made that the choices that Evil Blaine would have me make could be sinful. Indeed, my belief is that turning to pornography when I'm feeling down on myself is an action that has spiritual consequences that have to do with choosing "evil" over "good." However, actually having self-doubt and depression is not a sign that something truly "evil" has taken over. Feeling depressed, unsure, and hopeless, happens to the best of us...and I mean, the VERY best of us. 

In Luke 22: 41-43 Jesus Christ enters the Garden of Gethsemane to atone for the sins of the world:  

 41 And he was withdrawn from them about a stone’s cast, and kneeled down, and prayed,

 42 Saying, Father, if thou be willing remove this cup from me: nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done.

 43 And there appeared an angel unto him from heaven, strengthening him.

In this moment I believe Christ had some self-doubt about going through with his task. He knew how important it was and what happiness would come from it, but for a moment he states, "If I did what I feel like doing right now, I would just have you take this away from me. But its not about what I feel like doing right now...its about what I need to do." 

Doubting yourself, criticizing yourself, feeling depressed, frustrated, or alone does not mean that you must be doing something awful. They are part of being a human. Evil Blaine's self-destructive patterns are not innately evil, they are attempts (albeit unhelpful attempts) my brain makes to make sense of a negative human experience.

In conclusion, I am so grateful that the tricksy Evil Blaine in the car that night, was thwarted in his plot. I have a lot of thanks to give for that:

Thanks to Lindsay who saw behind the mask.

Thanks to Heavenly Father for loving all of me.

Thanks to China for offering perspective.

and frankly...

A pat on the back to me, for eventually choosing whats right for me, not him. 

The 'Carnal Security' Dilemna

It has been a little while since I have posted anything! I'm glad to be back to writing here today. Whether or not it is helpful to anyone else, I have found it to be very therapeutic for myself and I am grateful for the opportunity to get my thoughts and feelings out of my head and into something productive :)

The topic I'm writing on today has been on my mind for quite awhile, and as I have been pondering ways to express my feelings regarding this I have magically had the opportunity to speak with a few friends and some clients about these things which has clarified some of my ideas for myself and made me an even stronger believer.

I know that the majority of those who follow this blog with any kind of regularity are LDS (Mormon). The thoughts that I want to share might seem like they are only applicable to this majority, but I know of several people who are not members of the LDS faith that I believe could find benefit in the concept and so I will explain, as well as I can, some of the terminology that might be very "mormon-ish." If you you get it without the explanation...pin the popcorn-popping-on-the apricot-tree on your nose!

There is a scripture commonly quoted in LDS church/culture that talks about the importance of staying faithful and vigilant at all times, because the Adversary is very clever and can easy lull you into a state of false security. If someone, in a conversation with LDS church-goers were to say something to the effect of, "you know...that whole 'all is well in zion' thing" or "I don't want to be too 'all is well in zion' about things" for the most part, people in the conversation would know what that meant.  The scripture is this:

2 Nephi Chapter 28 Verse 21-
and others will he pacify, and lull them away into carnal security, that they will say: All is well in Zion; yea, Zion prospereth, all is well--and thus the devil cheateth their souls, and leadeth them carefully down to hell. 

In this passage, the writer is talking about how much of the world will be as we near the second coming of Christ. He is talking about the ability of Satan to convince people that "nothing you do really matters that much. Just do what you want to do because things are fine and God doesn't really exist anyway so no one cares if you [enter sinful practice here].  It is referring to the tendency of human nature to often choose the easiest road, and then justify why its okay to just do whats popular or convenient as opposed to doing what you value to be right and true even when it is difficult.

I understand the value of this message. While I believe I am an optimist by nature, I can't deny that there is a lot of evidence in the world that values have shifted in many areas, and things that were unheard of even 25 years ago are commonplace now. I find evidence in my own life in which I consistently choose what is popular or easy as opposed to what I value to be true. I know that there are plenty of areas where I could "step up my game" so to speak in the Obedience to the Lord Department of my life.

However, I see many instances in my own life, and in the lives of people that I love and care about in which the message of this scripture has been taken, evaluated, magnified, and misapplied in ways that truly are detrimental, and I have come to an important conclusion: (I seem to be making a lot of these types of aha! conclusions on this blog).

THERE IS A DISTINCT AND IMPORTANT DIFFERENCE BETWEEN "ALL IS WELL IN ZION!" AND "HEY, I'M A GOOD PERSON, AND I'M DOING OK!"

I have always found it a very interesting (and kind of funny) contradiction that a verse in the Book of Mormon states "Wo be unto him that crieth: All is Well!" (2 Nephi 28:25) and that one of our most famous and beloved hymns says "all is well!" like 50 times! If I took that strictly as face-value, and outside of the context in which both of these statements are made, I might be really confused and skeptical.  I can see that the statement "all is well" applies to a different intent of heart (the first applying to the 'all is well' temptation used by the Adversary, and the second to the 'all is well' peace and comfort that comes from light and truth) but I think many of us are not often enough distinguishing between the two.

While the doctrine of the LDS religion strongly emphasizes the important role of Christ in helping us to overcome our shortcomings, and living prophets and apostles of the church are CONSTANTLY telling us how much the Lord loves us and wants to help even the most 'lost' of us, it is unfortunate that often the culture of the church leads people to believe they need to be perfect and anything less is failure. Often, scriptures like this, and others, are taken and used as a sort of ammo against ourselves in the struggle to be more Christlike.

I know that God wants us to always be trying to be the best we can be...but I also have a VERY strong belief that God REALLY, REALLY loves us even as we are NOW...right this second, with whatever faults or shortcomings we have. It is my belief that when God inspired the writer of the "all is well in zion" scripture, he meant to warn us of the clever nature of him who would lead us away. He did NOT mean, "don't ever let yourself feel like you are doing a good job, because that's just laziness and of the devil!" I KNOW that God wants us to feel peace, comfort, and joy in our successes, and would love for us to take the time to congratulate ourselves on the efforts we are making even when it would be easier not to.

I bet that there are some who have read that, and thought to themselves..."yeah, but..." and then came up with a lot of reasons why you shouldn't get too carried away with giving yourself positive feedback. If that was you in any way, I officially diagnose you as needing to do this more than anyone. People are often scared that too much positive feedback will go to their head and make them lazy...in real life, I don't believe that happens.

Why do I believe that God wants us to allow ourselves to feel okay about things? Because I never feel more motivated to live up to my values than when I read things like:

"My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment." 
-Doctrine and Covenants 121:7

“In all of living, have much fun and laughter. Life is to be enjoyed, not just endured.” 
-Gordon B. Hinckley (15th President of the LDS Church)

 “Cultivate an attitude of happiness. Cultivate a spirit of optimism. Walk with faith, rejoicing in the beauties of nature, in the goodness of those you love, in the testimony which you carry in your heart concerning things divine.” -Gordon B. Hinckley

“Go forward in life with a twinkle in your eye and a smile on your face, but with great purpose in heart.” -Gordon B. Hinckley

"Gird up your loins, fresh courage take, our God will never us forsake. And soon we'll have this tale to tell--All is well! All is well!  -LDS Hymnbook  

“It isn't as bad as you sometimes think it is. It all works out. Don't worry. I say that to myself every morning. It all works out in the end. Put your trust in God, and move forward with faith and confidence in the future."  -Gordon B. Hinckley

If you haven't guessed, I really love President Hinckley, I think that he so often and so beautifully spoke about the joy that God wants us to have right now, even when we aren't perfect. I think that he often acknowledged something that I have come to know with great vigor: If I postpone being happy until I am perfect...I'm going to be waiting a long time.

Do we need to be aware that idleness and half-heartedness in doing what is right can lead to a slow deviation from our charted course? Yes. But everyone I talk to knows that. I am more concerned that we work to gain greater appreciation for the value and motivation that comes from allowing yourself a break to say "I'm a good person, and I'm doing okay!"

The Origin of Gay

I have been somewhat hesitant to write on this topic for a couple of reasons. Initial hesitations were born out of the chronic "People Pleaser" I have living inside my head that doesn't want to say or do anything that might ruffle any feathers or irritate someone. This reason for hesitation was pretty short lived because I realized, that while the things I wanted to write about in this post could potentially be viewed as offensive and politically incorrect, this would not be my intent and if someone reads it and is offended then I would have to let them own their own emotions about it. Also, I realized that my intent for starting this blog in the first place was to offer information/help/support to those who might otherwise not have much exposure to this type of thing, and I undertook this venture knowing that some of these topics can be quite emotionally charged, and that's okay, they should be.  It's people's lives we are talking about here. 

Subsequent hesitations were simply a result of wanting to be accurately informed with references to back up my thoughts and opinions. While some of the stuff you will read in this post will be limited to my personal experience, I want to be able to offer resources that have been more scientifically researched than just my own trial and error. 




Mostly, I want to open discussion on a topic that plays an obvious role in my life and that might get skipped over because of discomfort. We talk openly about the origin of so many human conditions (pregnancy, behaviors, addictions, etc.) with little to no discomfort and the taboo of homosexuality, particularly in religious environments I feel creates compulsiveness and secrecy that never makes anything better.

The average person might be surprised to find out just how much research has been done on the topic of homosexuality. There really is a whole lot. And while I am not a social scientist, writing grants for research funding, my experience through schooling for a bachelors and masters degree has
taught me enough to be able to say with some conviction that the political atmosphere of the day tends to impact which types of research gets funded, and which outcomes are going to be more widely publicized. Political climate, and political correctness has long played a part in the mental health field. I mean, last time I checked, those with Down Syndrome are no longer clinically referred to as being a "mongloid idiot" and thank goodness for that! I am NOT opposed to political correctness in all of its forms, I just prefer it not to supersede viable research and the real life experiences of thousands of people. 

Several years ago, I was introduced to a theory on the origin of homosexuality within an individual that made a lot of sense to me. This theory is plainly explained and laid out in a scholarly paper by Daryl J. Bem in 1996 called Exotic Becomes Erotic: Interpreting the Biological Correlates of Sexual Orientation. In this theory, Bem discusses a long-time and widely accepted phenomenon of in-born and naturally determined temperaments. He discusses the idea that a child born with a temperament that might lead to interests in gender-atypical activities leads a child to become familiarized with opposite-sex peers. As the child grows through the stages of development a child will naturally begin to feel different and alienated from same-sex peers, perceiving them as unfamiliar and exotic. Over time these feelings of unfamiliarity will create sustained autonomic arousal, and this arousal eventually develops into an erotic/romantic attraction. 

So here it is in less science-y words: little boys who are born more sensitive will tend to enjoy more typically "girly" kinds of activities. This will lead them to feel more comfortable and accepted by the girl population, and feel different and separate from other little boys. This makes him feel anxiety when around other boys and as he develops, this anxiety will turn into sexual attraction.  This pattern would follow the same steps in a typical little boy, only his anxieties and eventual attractions would be directed toward girls.

This theory made a lot of sense to me because it pretty simply laid out my experience as a child. In my earliest years, I was different from typical little boys. I hated when my brother tried to wrestle with me and had little interest in anything risk-taking or aggressive in nature. My best friends were my little sister and two female cousins that I naturally enjoyed doing things like coloring, dressing up, and playing house with. I had a couple of male friends, but I remember even from a very young age feeling like I was just pretending to like what they were doing so that I would fit in, and this rarely was successful. I could remember having anxiety around male friends in grade-school and feeling like an outsider whenever I did things with them (this is not to say that all of them did things to make me feel this way. I am still friends with a few of those friends who really made an effort to include me) and I can see how this anxiety turned to attraction at a typical age. 

When I initially thought about writing about this topic, my intent was to discuss this theory in detail because for so long this is what seemed the most relevant to me.  I have done a lot of other reading on the topic and I never really thought of this theory coming into conflict with any other theory, until I kind of put two and two together and realized...there is a contradiction. 

This theory by Bem, and supported by research cited in his article is pretty politically safe. This is because it puts homosexuality on an even plain with heterosexuality in pretty much every regard as the same pattern of development would happen for either a homosexual or heterosexual person. It describes a person's discomfort or unhappiness with homosexuality as merely a shortcoming of our gender-strict society that discriminates those who don't fall neatly into socially determined gender roles. 

The contradiction in theories that I have found helpful and meaningful is described clearly in an article written by Joseph Nicolosi (whom I have referenced previously on this blog) titled A Critique of Bem's E.B.E Theory. In which he suggests that viewing sexual development in this way reduces sexual attraction, either homo or hetero, to the psychology of a fetish. Nicolosi draws from various statements in Bem's article support for a belief that love itself is merely a fetish in both its origin and mechanism. 

Nicolosi observes that within his theory, Bem disregards the plentiful research on family dynamics, the role of gender in human development, and attachment that identifies a child's natural need to feel love and acceptance by same gender parents and peers that is not strictly a culturally based idea. Nicolosi states: 
"He gives no consideration to the boy's authentic needs for acceptance, affection and approval from members of the same sex, particularly his father and male peers, and his genuine need to experience himself as a boy-like-other-boys. Nowhere is there acknowledgment of the boy's natural emotional need for attachment and identification. For Bem, even love is reduced to autonomic arousal." 

Within this critique, Nicolosi touches on a theory of the origins of homosexuality that has had the most helpful application in my efforts to choose a heterosexual lifestyle despite my natural homosexuality. This idea shifts slightly from the notion: "exotic becomes erotic" to "what is missing-and subsequently admired- becomes sexualized." However, this slight shift, comes with a political punch because the idea that something is "missing" identifies homosexuality as a pathological problem in which there is a deficiency of some kind.  

He takes a quote from a clinical interaction with a client and suggests that Bem "fails to understand the developmental significance of critical moments in the life of the prehomosexual boy. One such moment was described to me by a 35-year-old client:

"I recall the exact moment I knew I was gay. I was twelve years old and we were taking a shortcut to class. We were walking across the gym and through the locker room, and an older guy was coming out of the shower. He was wet and naked and I thought, Wow!"

I asked the client to again tell me exactly what his experience was. He became very pensive. Then he answered,

"The feeling was, 'Wow, I wish I was him'."

As a little boy, this client had been asthmatic and physically frail. Clearly, the "older guy" coming out of the shower was his idealized self--all that he wasn't, and wished he could be."

Early on in my efforts to sort out my homosexual feelings I was given the advice that I needed to work hard on cultivating healthy male friendships. In the context of Bem's theory I thought this to be simply an effort to make "exotic" things more familiar to me. I made concentrated efforts to have meaningful relationships with male peers, and not surprisingly most of those efforts ended up with me being really close with men who were like me in lots of ways (I'm not outing anyone here...'like me' doesn't mean 'gay'...like I've said before there is more to me than just being gay). These friendships have been helpful in lots of ways, mostly in terms of being validating to my ego, letting me know that it is okay to be me. This is a great blessing that I am extremely thankful for. 

Over the last few years, and particularly more recently I have cultivated friendships that have helped me to grow in ways that have been less strictly a "validating my nature" sort of help (although there is plenty of validation) but have challenged me to find acceptance and identification in things typically male. 

I wish that every guy in my situation could have friends like Brady, Cory, and Shane. Each of them personifies various attributes of things typically male and yet are sensitive and understanding enough to empathize with my struggles in life and help me to work through my insecurities to feel a part of
the male population in general. They assume that I will help them build a shed, go golfing with them, go to a Jazz game, or make sexually inappropriate jokes. While they can identify the ways in which I am different from them, they create an environment where I feel like part of a group of men in which my homosexuality is neither encouraged or discouraged, and what is important is that I am a man...one of them. 

There is more going on here than me just being comfortable with males. I feel it is about filling a gap in my development, that hole that has kept me from truly identifying as being male, and subsequently developing homosexual attractions. 

Again, the information presented here is obviously a small part of research and information that there is out there regarding homosexuality, its development, and origin. But I wanted to share the tip of the iceberg as it relates to my personal experience. I understand that these are theories, and by definition do not apply the same to everyone, but I hope that something here can be helpful, or at least spark an interest for you to do some of your own research to find something that is.

Positive Thinking: Creating Canyons

Do you remember learning about Maslow's Hierarchy of needs in either a psychology class some kind of life skills class? Maybe you don't...maybe you haven't ever heard of it...if that's the case, a basic introduction: It is a theory of human needs that start with a base of basic human needs (food, water, air, etc.) and moves up the hierarchy as the more basic needs are met, until you reach the top which is "Self Actualization." Inevitably in any setting in which this is discussed, you will hear that very few people make it to be Self Actualized because the struggles of life usually keep us at lower levels. While a constant state of Self Actualization is quite rare (evidence suggests that people like Mother Theresa and Martin Luther King were pretty close), I feel like I have met a handful of people in my life that spend much of their time hanging out there, and it has made me wonder "how do they do that?!"  How does someone get to a place where optimism and positivity come to them as quickly as self doubt and worry seem to come to me? As I have had opportunity to associate with and mingle with people who fit this bill, I have concluded a few things that I would like to share, and I would like to start about 300 million years ago...

I know that I may be simplifying things a bit when it comes to basic geography, but I believe it's pretty commonly understood that many of the largest canyons in the world were created by a river continuously flowing in the same direction over millions of years. The constant flow and friction can create chasms that require an airplane to cross. What may have started as a babbling brook does its work and eventually creates an imprint on the earth, able to be seen from outer space. What happens when you block the natural course of the water? It backs up, creates some kind of lake, and then (unless it is a fancy new dam that controls the level and flow of water through its regular running course) it is going to find a new way around...a new way to get to where it wants to go. 

Our patterns of thinking are quite similar to the flow of a typical river. In our early years of life, we etch out a pattern that makes sense to us, and helps us to cope with the stresses and challenges of life. If, for one reason or another, we etch out a pattern that leads us to have negative beliefs and opinions about ourselves or the world around us, the canyons we make over time can seem impossible to fill and then redirect. We get so set in our ways, and so used to the "natural" flow of our thoughts that we forget the voluntary nature of the direction of our thoughts and cease to see the power we have to start a new path. 

Now, I know that this blog has been the means through which I have done a lot of self confessing over the last several weeks. I mean, so far you know that I'm gay and I can't spit. However, get ready for another unveiling: I think I'm fat. Now, before you start posting comments like "Oh Blaine, you look good!" or "You just have big bones!" or "I'm glad you noticed because it was always obvious to me." This is not about getting validation, I make this confession to illustrate a particular flow or pattern of thinking that has created a canyon I'm still working on undoing. 

I've been uncomfortable with my weight since I was probably 8-ish years old. I have spent a ridiculous amount of time and energy worrying about it or daydreaming about how much better my life would be if I looked like [insert attractive male celebrity here]. I have have had seriously irrational thoughts "I think the reason my clients aren't doing well is because I'm fat."  and have gone to extremes to try to make things different (limiting myself to 800 calories a day with almost constant light-headedness). I've varied in weight spanning over more than 70 pounds as an adult and I have never felt like I was a fit person. I'm telling you people...this canyon is deep...and the sad truth is, I know that I'm VERY much not alone with this particular canyon. Friends, family, clients, have all expressed frustration with this. Other "canyons" common for a lot of people include related issues with personal appearance, negative feelings about personal performance in career/hobbies/parenthood, pessimism about human nature, and patterns of harsh judgements about others in general.  

While these canyons run deep and seem impossible to change, I know that change is possible, and there are two very important things to keep in mind:

1) You can't make lasting positive change with negative thoughts.
2) People become positive people by practicing. 

Imagine working at a job with a boss who always told you what an idiot you are for the mistakes you make. They were always criticizing your every move and told you all of the time that you were basically a failure and that anything good you did was just a front to try to hide what a loser you really are. How long are you going to stay at that job? How long would it take before you would just decide that it isn't worth it to work for such an awful person and quit? Do these kinds of statements sound anything like the things you say to yourself? I know that I have have believed that the reason that I haven't made a change about my being fat is because I don't hate myself enough. "If I REALLY felt unhappy about this than I would do something to change it, but since I haven't...I must be too happy with myself and I need to find new ways to criticize myself." Well, beliefs like this have led to diets that have lasted a few days, or a week of working out, but eventually I get tired of hearing those things and think, "just give me a doughnut, I'm tired of this."

Until you see yourself as worth the effort it takes to make a change in your life, you won't ever make it, at least not in a lasting way. The longest lasting change for me came when I literally said to myself on a regular basis "I'm am a good person, I deserve to be happy about the way that I look."  As you take time to see the good in yourself, it becomes less difficult to put the work into making things better. Like working for a boss who really appreciates and praises you, you go out of your way to do a good job because it's a pleasure to be applauded for your efforts.

As for a specific outline of procedures to learn to be a more positive person about yourself and others...the possibilities are endless. There are so many things that a person can do, and routines that a person can adopt to work at rerouting the flow of thoughts and finding something that works for you can be a challenge in and of itself, but regardless of the official method you use, each is getting you to do the same thing: practice. I tease some clients that if people were in the market to learn how to think bad about themselves, they could probably teach a weekend seminar about it and make millions. So many of us have become experts at finding something wrong about us, or finding a way to blame ourselves for the problems going on in our lives. How does an expert become an expert? They do the same thing over and over again until they become really efficient at it. If I work every day at replacing my negative thoughts with positive ones, allowing myself forgiveness for my lack of immediate perfection at the task, eventually I will be one of those people that just as easily sees the glass half full. 

Start small, and be specific. "Today whenever I catch myself criticizing my weight, I'm going to tell myself that I'm a good person, and I deserve to be happy." Slowly you create new canyons to happier places. 

Until one day you wake up and you're Mother Theresa.

Fatal Mistake

Though my experience with being a therapist has been relatively short, I have already come to the conclusion that there are going to be certain conversations that I will have about 3-kabillion times over the course of my lifetime. Of course, because they will happen with different people, I'm hopeful that they won't get old (they haven't yet). Over the last several days I have had one of  these conversations a few times, and in light of recent events in my life the topic has taken on new meaning and I thought it might be interesting to share. The topic is what I have come to term: THE FATAL MISTAKE. This title is certainly intended to be shocking, as to catch the attention of a patient/client, but is also quite literal as the consequences of making this mistake could, and has, led to lives ending far too early.  I want to discuss this mistake in terms of how it fits into mental illness and then generalize it to those of you lucky enough to be able to have skirted by without being diagnosed :).

 Have you ever asked anyone to describe themselves? Unless its for some sort of online dating situation, how often do people default to talking about their strengths? "Well, I'm tall. I have beautiful blonde hair and a cute butt. I am really responsible and understanding, and all in all I do the best I can everyday." This, unfortunately is not common place for most people, I know it isn't for me (except for the cute butt part...I mean...obviously). Unfortunately, it seems that the descriptions of one's self become more and more negative the more depressed or anxious a person is, which makes sense right? Someone who is feeling really crappy about their lives is going to see bad things about themselves much more readily than average. Life's problems often times seem to highlight a person's weaknesses and magnify personal negative traits.  But here is where the Fatal Mistake comes in: 

DON'T MISINTERPRET SYMPTOMS  OF A PROBLEM AS PERSONAL CHARACTERISTICS. 

When working with people with depression, especially someone who has struggled with depression for a long time, it is really common for them to become over-attached to the illness and they start misinterpreting symptoms of the illness as negative personal qualities. They will talk about feeling like a lazy person, or being a loner or introvert. They will describe themselves as boring and that they don't even really want to have fun anymore. They will say that they are just a really negative person. Well guess what? All of those things you just described are symptoms, written in the holy book of psychiatric symptoms, of depression! It's not you, It's depression!  To illustrate my point, lets look at the official diagnostic criteria for a Major Depressive Episode: 

At least five of the following symptoms have been present during the same 2-week period and represent a change from previous functioning: at least one of the symptoms is either 1)

depressed mood or 2) loss of interest or pleasure.

1. Depressed mood most of the day, nearly every day, as indicated either by subjective report (e.g., feels sad or empty) or observation made by others (e.g., appears tearful)

2. Markedly diminished interest or pleasure in all, or almost all, activities most of the day, nearly every day (as indicated either by subjective account or observation made by others)

3. Significant weight loss when not dieting or weight gain (e.g., a change of more than 5% of body weight in a month), or decrease or increase in appetite nearly every day

4. Insomnia or hypersomnia nearly every day

5. Psychomotor agitation or retardation nearly every day (observable by others, not merely subjective feelings of restlessness or being slowed down)

6. Fatigue or loss of energy nearly every day

7. Feelings of worthlessness or excessive or inappropriate guilt (which may be delusional) nearly every day (not merely self-reproach or guilt about being sick)

8. Diminished ability to think or concentrate, or indecisiveness, nearly every day (either by subjective account or as observed

by others)

9. Recurrent thoughts of death (not just fear of dying), recurrent suicidal ideation without a specific plan, or a suicide attempt or specific plan for committing suicide

 
Ok, so that is a lot of words, and you may have just skipped over that, and that's alright. But if you'll notice, if someone says that they ARE any of the a previously described things above (lazy, a loner/introvert, boring, negative) those can all be attributed to one of the criteria listed here.

Whats the big problem here? You might say. Well, if YOU are all of these things, then depression  just became a bajillion times harder to get rid of because you are you no matter where you go. For those struggling with mental illness, I believe it is a vital skill to learn to be able to distinguish between "me" and "the illness" and to not get the two confused. Because if it is outside of me than it is a solvable problem...if the problem is me...well...shoot.

That isn't to say that people aren't responsible for their own feelings or actions or anything. It is a common and good practice in therapy to help people to take ownership for what is theirs to own, in that way helping them to have more power to change what is wrong. Attributing your issues to an illness doesn't make them any less "yours" it just makes the problem not you.  It is attributing the negative experiences to the illness as opposed to thinking that I'm just innately an awful human. 

If you don't have a "mental illness" this is just as applicable and I hereby give you permission to title whatever your struggles are as "the problem" (you're welcome). Attributing your weaknesses and shortcomings to "the problem" can sometimes help to gain a better perspective of those weaknesses and make them seem like something solvable. Rather than, "I'm kind of a boring mom and I don't get involved in church nearly as much as I should." It becomes, "the 'problem' makes me feel like I'm a boring mom, but I know that inside of me is a really amazing mom and a faithful, active member of my church. I'm going to make decisions that I would make, not what 'the problem' would want me to make."

The difference is subtle and maybe seems kind of stupid but...hear me out: 

As soon as I start explaining this concept to someone, almost always I get the question "Well then what can I attach to myself? What can I determine is really me?"  My conclusion is this: if it is something that is going to be there and stick with you as you become who you want to be...than you can go ahead and start attaching it to yourself now, everything else is a symptom. 

We are all trying to become the best versions of ourselves. In my faith, the LDS church teaches that to gain a fullness of happiness we are to become like God because he is Happiness Complete. Everyone in one form or another really desires to be the best they can be because they have had experience with tastes of this and it always tastes good.  Whether its symptoms of a mental illness or simply weaknesses we struggle with from day to day...I see these as temporary, and really not worth using as a description of who you are.

I'm Blaine Hickman. I can be really impatient. I judge lots of movies really harshly even before I've seen them. I procrastinate things all of the time. I don't play with my kids enough. I CANNOT get through a chapter of scriptures without falling asleep. I over-eat a lot, and swear all of the time.

But at some point between now and eternity or as I become who I want to be...those things will fade away and I will still be empathetic, kind, awesome at giving gifts, and able to see good in anyone. 

What will you be?         

"Special"

I would like to first say how incredibly thankful I am for the abundance of support that I have gotten since publishing the first post on this blog. Sharing these things about my life and the life of my family was a decision that wasn't taken lightly and I have been truly inspired by all the words of support and love from various places, some of which I would have never expected.  I have had several people also ask about how Lindsay is doing with all of this and to that I have two things to say:  1) THANK YOU! I am happy to know that there are so many people who are looking out for Lindsay and have her best interest in mind as much as I do. 2) DO YOU THINK I'M CRAZY? I would be seriously an awful person/husband if I hadn't talked to her about this post first! After writing it, I hesitated briefly because I was nervous before posting,  but Lindsay had zero nerves about it at all, and reminded me that this has been my plan for a long time. So...to sum it up: Thank you to everyone...I really mean it.

Being that this blog has been on my mind for a long time, I have had several topics running around in my head and I spent some time thinking about what would be an appropriate follow up to the initial "announcement" (P.S. we are registered at Bed Bath and Beyond and Target). I wondered how writing about my thoughts of "being special" would be interpreted, but hopefully I can put my words together in a way that will accurately explain my ideas.

There seems to be a popular trend in theme and message over the last several years in music, movies, and other forms of entertainment to the tune of "I'm different, and that's awesome!!" or "You are special and there is no one like you!" Please don't get me wrong, I understand that the intent of these types of messages is to help populations who feel like outsiders to the norm (for instance, the LGBT population) feel like it is okay to be themselves and I think that this is a really great thing. I mean, it is right?! Even less than 20 years ago it would have been absurd in most cases to tell someone so "different" that it was okay to be themselves. I feel like this trend, in many ways is a very positive thing, but I would like to offer a possible unintended consequence.

When things are going well. Being different and unique is fun and exciting. At times when I have been feeling confident and secure with myself and situation, its fun to be the guy that girls at work or school come to ask if their outfit is cute that day, or  how they should decorate their new living room, or to ask for my "super-cute" handwriting to write an address on an envelope or a fake love letter to some guy in their next class.  I have enjoyed being able to coach friends on how to give a sentimental gift to their wives, or letting them know which fashion rules they are breaking for the day. Now, I know none of these things necessarily have to do with being gay, but they are things that make me different from the typical male in my acquaintance. After years of working at accepting my differences, I honestly do enjoy them...95% of the time.

But then there's that pesky 5% of the time. Those times when I feel like I don't belong in the "world of men." When I feel like an idiot that the entire Elders quorum is referencing a basketball game that happened the night before and I'm like..."yeah, I think I was watching Say Yes to the Dress." Or  when the scout troop is having a spitting contest and I literally pull a Mulan and dribble down my face... or when I reference a Disney Princess in a blog post :).  Maybe nothing really noteworthy or embarrassing happens, but there are times when I have found myself comparing my abilities, attributes, and life circumstances to others and for whatever reason I might feel like I am beyond anyone's ability to understand what I'm going through.

Over time, I have worried that at least to some extent, an unintended consequence of stressing the "coolness" of being different is this: If you make yourself too unique, you might find yourself in times of trouble feeling like you are truly alone.

This happens ALL of the time, and not just with people who more obviously fit the "different" bill. I can't tell you how many therapy sessions I have been in with an otherwise typical woman, feeling extremely overwhelmed and depressed as she looks around her and sees other women throwing creative parties for their kids, working out every morning, and accomplishing seemingly inhuman amounts of good around them.  She looks at her life and may say, "I'm just not creative enough to be that kind of person. I'm really awful at keeping any kind of positive routine going, and I just get by while everyone else is doing these amazing things." She might go on, talking about all the ways in which she is failing, at which point I have been known to say something like, "I think you might be making yourself a little too special." This is obviously confusing, as they just got done telling me what an imbecile they are. We then might talk about how seeing herself as worse then everyone else in her mind, sets her apart and makes her feel alone.

This might seem a little off topic, but if you haven't read Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl...you have to. Its amazing! There are so many ideas in it that are applicable to everyone's lives and I talk about it all of the time at work, church, the gym, restaurants, the arcade etc. (Ok, maybe that's an exaggeration, but...seriously it is really awesome).

One of the ideas that he discusses in there is that suffering is suffering. There is WAY more that is similar about our problems than there is that is different. Whether you are a diet coke drinking, roll-y backpack mom going back to school, or a homeless dude strung out on meth on the corner of 25th and Wall, if we are focused on it we can find so many similarities about us that help us be able to relate to and help anyone struggling with any problem, and isn't that a happier message?

I don't mean to say that my personal struggles are the same as a starving child in Nigeria...clearly they are not, and I will gladly take the cards I've been dealt over many of the cards I see dealt in the world. However, if someday I meet a starving child in Nigeria, don't you think my empathy would run deeper if I were able to look at him and look at myself and see what is similar about us, rather than on focusing on how different we are and how I can never relate? Of course I'm not going to say, "I was really hungry once, so I know how you feel" because that would be obviously ridiculous and insulting. But I could take time to think about times when I have been vulnerable and scared and this might help me to find creative ways to be helpful, and who knows what insights he might have into these feelings that might really help me.

I guess what I'm saying is that gay or straight, young or old, male or female,  Gaston or Mulan...there is so much about all of our problems, whether they seem trivial or monumental that can really be boiled down to our basic struggle to cope with our fears, vulnerabilities, and weaknesses. We all want to be happy, and we have all experienced obstacles to making it happen.  Feeling alone sucks...everyone can relate to that. Isn't happier knowing that in times of trouble, the world is full of people who can understand?

Your thoughts?