"Special"

I would like to first say how incredibly thankful I am for the abundance of support that I have gotten since publishing the first post on this blog. Sharing these things about my life and the life of my family was a decision that wasn't taken lightly and I have been truly inspired by all the words of support and love from various places, some of which I would have never expected.  I have had several people also ask about how Lindsay is doing with all of this and to that I have two things to say:  1) THANK YOU! I am happy to know that there are so many people who are looking out for Lindsay and have her best interest in mind as much as I do. 2) DO YOU THINK I'M CRAZY? I would be seriously an awful person/husband if I hadn't talked to her about this post first! After writing it, I hesitated briefly because I was nervous before posting,  but Lindsay had zero nerves about it at all, and reminded me that this has been my plan for a long time. So...to sum it up: Thank you to everyone...I really mean it.

Being that this blog has been on my mind for a long time, I have had several topics running around in my head and I spent some time thinking about what would be an appropriate follow up to the initial "announcement" (P.S. we are registered at Bed Bath and Beyond and Target). I wondered how writing about my thoughts of "being special" would be interpreted, but hopefully I can put my words together in a way that will accurately explain my ideas.

There seems to be a popular trend in theme and message over the last several years in music, movies, and other forms of entertainment to the tune of "I'm different, and that's awesome!!" or "You are special and there is no one like you!" Please don't get me wrong, I understand that the intent of these types of messages is to help populations who feel like outsiders to the norm (for instance, the LGBT population) feel like it is okay to be themselves and I think that this is a really great thing. I mean, it is right?! Even less than 20 years ago it would have been absurd in most cases to tell someone so "different" that it was okay to be themselves. I feel like this trend, in many ways is a very positive thing, but I would like to offer a possible unintended consequence.

When things are going well. Being different and unique is fun and exciting. At times when I have been feeling confident and secure with myself and situation, its fun to be the guy that girls at work or school come to ask if their outfit is cute that day, or  how they should decorate their new living room, or to ask for my "super-cute" handwriting to write an address on an envelope or a fake love letter to some guy in their next class.  I have enjoyed being able to coach friends on how to give a sentimental gift to their wives, or letting them know which fashion rules they are breaking for the day. Now, I know none of these things necessarily have to do with being gay, but they are things that make me different from the typical male in my acquaintance. After years of working at accepting my differences, I honestly do enjoy them...95% of the time.

But then there's that pesky 5% of the time. Those times when I feel like I don't belong in the "world of men." When I feel like an idiot that the entire Elders quorum is referencing a basketball game that happened the night before and I'm like..."yeah, I think I was watching Say Yes to the Dress." Or  when the scout troop is having a spitting contest and I literally pull a Mulan and dribble down my face... or when I reference a Disney Princess in a blog post :).  Maybe nothing really noteworthy or embarrassing happens, but there are times when I have found myself comparing my abilities, attributes, and life circumstances to others and for whatever reason I might feel like I am beyond anyone's ability to understand what I'm going through.

Over time, I have worried that at least to some extent, an unintended consequence of stressing the "coolness" of being different is this: If you make yourself too unique, you might find yourself in times of trouble feeling like you are truly alone.

This happens ALL of the time, and not just with people who more obviously fit the "different" bill. I can't tell you how many therapy sessions I have been in with an otherwise typical woman, feeling extremely overwhelmed and depressed as she looks around her and sees other women throwing creative parties for their kids, working out every morning, and accomplishing seemingly inhuman amounts of good around them.  She looks at her life and may say, "I'm just not creative enough to be that kind of person. I'm really awful at keeping any kind of positive routine going, and I just get by while everyone else is doing these amazing things." She might go on, talking about all the ways in which she is failing, at which point I have been known to say something like, "I think you might be making yourself a little too special." This is obviously confusing, as they just got done telling me what an imbecile they are. We then might talk about how seeing herself as worse then everyone else in her mind, sets her apart and makes her feel alone.

This might seem a little off topic, but if you haven't read Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl...you have to. Its amazing! There are so many ideas in it that are applicable to everyone's lives and I talk about it all of the time at work, church, the gym, restaurants, the arcade etc. (Ok, maybe that's an exaggeration, but...seriously it is really awesome).

One of the ideas that he discusses in there is that suffering is suffering. There is WAY more that is similar about our problems than there is that is different. Whether you are a diet coke drinking, roll-y backpack mom going back to school, or a homeless dude strung out on meth on the corner of 25th and Wall, if we are focused on it we can find so many similarities about us that help us be able to relate to and help anyone struggling with any problem, and isn't that a happier message?

I don't mean to say that my personal struggles are the same as a starving child in Nigeria...clearly they are not, and I will gladly take the cards I've been dealt over many of the cards I see dealt in the world. However, if someday I meet a starving child in Nigeria, don't you think my empathy would run deeper if I were able to look at him and look at myself and see what is similar about us, rather than on focusing on how different we are and how I can never relate? Of course I'm not going to say, "I was really hungry once, so I know how you feel" because that would be obviously ridiculous and insulting. But I could take time to think about times when I have been vulnerable and scared and this might help me to find creative ways to be helpful, and who knows what insights he might have into these feelings that might really help me.

I guess what I'm saying is that gay or straight, young or old, male or female,  Gaston or Mulan...there is so much about all of our problems, whether they seem trivial or monumental that can really be boiled down to our basic struggle to cope with our fears, vulnerabilities, and weaknesses. We all want to be happy, and we have all experienced obstacles to making it happen.  Feeling alone sucks...everyone can relate to that. Isn't happier knowing that in times of trouble, the world is full of people who can understand?

Your thoughts?  

 





 

Gay Mormon...yup, another one :)

I know that to many of you Facebookers or bloggers out there, posts and blogs of this nature seem to be coming somewhat of a trend. Well, you know what else is a trend? Men's jeans with bedazzled butts and babies wearing flowers 5 times bigger than their heads. Over the last several months as I have seen more and more stories coming out about this kind of thing, I have been desiring to add my voice to the movement. Not only because I am SOOOO trendy (ahem) but because I believe it is so important for there to be information out there that can help with an issue that so often leaves people feeling alone and hopeless. If there is anything that I can do to help someone feel like there is hope or to educate people on a topic that they may feel inadequate to discuss, I want to be involved in that. Even if it is only to add to a collection of stories that have been slowly growing over time.

I am a gay Mormon. I will use that term, "gay" because I believe it is what most people understand. I have hesitated over the years, in my discussion with people about the topic to use the term "gay" because I feel like it is an inadequate and, I feel, misused term to describe someone. If only because I feel like people are WAY more than their sexuality, and "gay" seems to be used to describe people as if that is all there is to them, or as if that is the end of the story. Like, "he's gay, so...you know...." No actually, I don't know. Sexuality is only one aspect of a person, and while categorizing people and things always helps the world feel settled...I'm sorry, there are too many complexities about individuals, particularly their sexuality, that make it impossible to place everyone in a "group."  My hesitation of using the word "gay" does not have to do with shame about homosexuality, but rather an effort to avoid confusion about various things, like, my wife for example ;). I will hereafter use the term for simplification of what is the bigger picture, but, when in doubt, refer back to this paragraph.

This, I'm sure, will not come as a surprise to most people in my life. Having worked in Inpatient Psychiatry for a number of years, I have been around uninhibited people long enough to know what people's first impressions are of me. I can't tell you how many psychotic, or lower functioning people I have had ask me about it, and I have had several paranoid men refuse to work with me because they are sure that I am going to rape them or something (ahhh psychiatry...I love my job!) Most of the most important people in my life already know because I have discussed it with them (this is not to say that if you didn't know, you aren't important to me...we may have just not gotten around to it). As I have shared this information with people, I have been met with words and gestures of support and love that I am extremely grateful for. I know that there are people out there who do not enjoy the same blessings and I ache for those who are brushed aside or asked to shut up about it (or worse!) in order to not make people feel uncomfortable.

I have been aware of feelings of being gay probably about as long as you have been aware that you had a crush on someone or thought they were cute. While, like most kids out there, I wasn't at a maturity level at which I understood sexuality and what it meant, I remember feeling different and out of place among boys probably since I was old enough to have friends. This brings up an often debated and controversial topic: Where does being gay come from? There is all kinds of information and research about this topic out there and, not surprisingly, each side of the argument has found research to suggest that their perspective is right. While I don't always agree with everything that is written or found in the research, I am glad that there are people out there willing to look for answers/information regardless of  what is popular. That being said, it wouldn't surprise me if advances in modern science discovered a gene that determined someone as being homosexual. The fact is, nothing would change for me. My life choices are made based on what I want, not on what my genes say I am prone to.

My wife, Lindsay, knew about this before we were married. I took her for a walk, after we had broken up for maybe the third time, and let her read a journal entry that I had written while teaching English in China (which was the first time that I confessed, even on paper that I struggled with the issue).  She struggled with it intensely, but briefly, before she received an answer to her prayers, not to mention strong encouragement from her (Skidmore) family.  Over the years I have struggled with issues of pornography, discouragement, doubt, and frustration, and Lindsay has been there and supportive through it all. I am lucky to have her, and while our relationship is different from many that I know of (through my experiences with married friends and providing marriage counseling) there are things about our relationship that would not exist if me being gay were not an issue and, frankly, I wouldn't want things different.

Photo by RLT Photography

To the world, being Mormon and being gay, is pretty much an oxymoron. I know popular opinions. I know that to much of the world, the views of the Mormon church are outdated and discriminating. Having the life experiences I have had, along with my background in Social Work  created an environment in which I have often challenged my beliefs about the church, particularly when it comes to homosexuality, and after all the attempts I have made of coming up with a good argument as to why the Mormon church is not what people say it is, I have come to one conclusion: there is no valid argument. So I need to stop arguing. I'm gay.  I know what it feels like, so I know that when  someone says "the church is not bigoted!" there are a million ways that someone who is gay is able to say "yes they are!" So, if you find yourself in that argument someday, good luck. However, my faith in the Mormon church tells me that life here is so short when compared with everything that has been and will be. People will argue about their position, and good for them! Its awesome that we live in a place where we can do that. But regardless of a person's opinion about me, my life, my religious beliefs, or my sexuality...when compared to my perspective of where I've been and things to come... it doesn't matter much. 

What this doesn't mean: 
-If someone tells you they are gay, you should overly encourage them to date and  get married, because...hey! People are doing it!
I know that my circumstances related to this issue are unique to me. I know that the fact that I have been able to get married and have children is a potential reality for many people struggling with feelings of homosexuality, but it isn't for everyone, and that doesn't mean that they are weak somehow. Life and life experiences are so vast and complex that each individual has to decide what is right for them.
-Oh my gosh! I'm a guy and I'm friends with Blaine, does he have a crush on me?
Do you have a crush on me?! Being gay does not mean that you are attracted to every person/thing of the same sex. I don't blame anyone for initial discomfort but I would ask that you work through that discomfort until you can be normal. The more that we can make this a comfortable topic to discuss, the less we will have people, particularly teenagers, in the church feeling alone and helpless.  I am happy to discuss these topics with anyone  (of course, I would request that people present are age appropriate...I would like to determine when the best place and time to discuss this with my 6 year old is :) ).

I want people to find happiness in their lives. I know there are many out there who are struggling with feelings that are very conflictual and it feels like things won't ever change or that no one understands but it isn't true. I write all of this in hopes that by being open with my experience that it might help someone in their circumstances, whether that involves a personal struggle with feelings of being gay, or as a friend or family member of someone who is. Let me know if there is something that I can do personally to help.

(A shout out to a recent video done by Jimmy that was the catalyst to get me to finally do this. And to previously mentioned trend setters :) Ty Mansfield and Josh Weed.)