Positive Thinking: Creating Canyons

Do you remember learning about Maslow's Hierarchy of needs in either a psychology class some kind of life skills class? Maybe you don't...maybe you haven't ever heard of it...if that's the case, a basic introduction: It is a theory of human needs that start with a base of basic human needs (food, water, air, etc.) and moves up the hierarchy as the more basic needs are met, until you reach the top which is "Self Actualization." Inevitably in any setting in which this is discussed, you will hear that very few people make it to be Self Actualized because the struggles of life usually keep us at lower levels. While a constant state of Self Actualization is quite rare (evidence suggests that people like Mother Theresa and Martin Luther King were pretty close), I feel like I have met a handful of people in my life that spend much of their time hanging out there, and it has made me wonder "how do they do that?!"  How does someone get to a place where optimism and positivity come to them as quickly as self doubt and worry seem to come to me? As I have had opportunity to associate with and mingle with people who fit this bill, I have concluded a few things that I would like to share, and I would like to start about 300 million years ago...

I know that I may be simplifying things a bit when it comes to basic geography, but I believe it's pretty commonly understood that many of the largest canyons in the world were created by a river continuously flowing in the same direction over millions of years. The constant flow and friction can create chasms that require an airplane to cross. What may have started as a babbling brook does its work and eventually creates an imprint on the earth, able to be seen from outer space. What happens when you block the natural course of the water? It backs up, creates some kind of lake, and then (unless it is a fancy new dam that controls the level and flow of water through its regular running course) it is going to find a new way around...a new way to get to where it wants to go. 

Our patterns of thinking are quite similar to the flow of a typical river. In our early years of life, we etch out a pattern that makes sense to us, and helps us to cope with the stresses and challenges of life. If, for one reason or another, we etch out a pattern that leads us to have negative beliefs and opinions about ourselves or the world around us, the canyons we make over time can seem impossible to fill and then redirect. We get so set in our ways, and so used to the "natural" flow of our thoughts that we forget the voluntary nature of the direction of our thoughts and cease to see the power we have to start a new path. 

Now, I know that this blog has been the means through which I have done a lot of self confessing over the last several weeks. I mean, so far you know that I'm gay and I can't spit. However, get ready for another unveiling: I think I'm fat. Now, before you start posting comments like "Oh Blaine, you look good!" or "You just have big bones!" or "I'm glad you noticed because it was always obvious to me." This is not about getting validation, I make this confession to illustrate a particular flow or pattern of thinking that has created a canyon I'm still working on undoing. 

I've been uncomfortable with my weight since I was probably 8-ish years old. I have spent a ridiculous amount of time and energy worrying about it or daydreaming about how much better my life would be if I looked like [insert attractive male celebrity here]. I have have had seriously irrational thoughts "I think the reason my clients aren't doing well is because I'm fat."  and have gone to extremes to try to make things different (limiting myself to 800 calories a day with almost constant light-headedness). I've varied in weight spanning over more than 70 pounds as an adult and I have never felt like I was a fit person. I'm telling you people...this canyon is deep...and the sad truth is, I know that I'm VERY much not alone with this particular canyon. Friends, family, clients, have all expressed frustration with this. Other "canyons" common for a lot of people include related issues with personal appearance, negative feelings about personal performance in career/hobbies/parenthood, pessimism about human nature, and patterns of harsh judgements about others in general.  

While these canyons run deep and seem impossible to change, I know that change is possible, and there are two very important things to keep in mind:

1) You can't make lasting positive change with negative thoughts.
2) People become positive people by practicing. 

Imagine working at a job with a boss who always told you what an idiot you are for the mistakes you make. They were always criticizing your every move and told you all of the time that you were basically a failure and that anything good you did was just a front to try to hide what a loser you really are. How long are you going to stay at that job? How long would it take before you would just decide that it isn't worth it to work for such an awful person and quit? Do these kinds of statements sound anything like the things you say to yourself? I know that I have have believed that the reason that I haven't made a change about my being fat is because I don't hate myself enough. "If I REALLY felt unhappy about this than I would do something to change it, but since I haven't...I must be too happy with myself and I need to find new ways to criticize myself." Well, beliefs like this have led to diets that have lasted a few days, or a week of working out, but eventually I get tired of hearing those things and think, "just give me a doughnut, I'm tired of this."

Until you see yourself as worth the effort it takes to make a change in your life, you won't ever make it, at least not in a lasting way. The longest lasting change for me came when I literally said to myself on a regular basis "I'm am a good person, I deserve to be happy about the way that I look."  As you take time to see the good in yourself, it becomes less difficult to put the work into making things better. Like working for a boss who really appreciates and praises you, you go out of your way to do a good job because it's a pleasure to be applauded for your efforts.

As for a specific outline of procedures to learn to be a more positive person about yourself and others...the possibilities are endless. There are so many things that a person can do, and routines that a person can adopt to work at rerouting the flow of thoughts and finding something that works for you can be a challenge in and of itself, but regardless of the official method you use, each is getting you to do the same thing: practice. I tease some clients that if people were in the market to learn how to think bad about themselves, they could probably teach a weekend seminar about it and make millions. So many of us have become experts at finding something wrong about us, or finding a way to blame ourselves for the problems going on in our lives. How does an expert become an expert? They do the same thing over and over again until they become really efficient at it. If I work every day at replacing my negative thoughts with positive ones, allowing myself forgiveness for my lack of immediate perfection at the task, eventually I will be one of those people that just as easily sees the glass half full. 

Start small, and be specific. "Today whenever I catch myself criticizing my weight, I'm going to tell myself that I'm a good person, and I deserve to be happy." Slowly you create new canyons to happier places. 

Until one day you wake up and you're Mother Theresa.