The Jo/Beth Distinction

Over the last several weeks, I have been able to observe in two of my sisters a distinct difference in personality that I have always known to have existed but rarely has it been exhibited in so profound a way. I love them both very, very much and so I care about their happiness, but being in the mental health profession, I have also found their differences to be fascinating in a sort of scientific or "case-study" kind of way and I thought it might be interesting to write about. Lest you think I turn all of my loved ones into propaganda for my blog, I will be allowing both of them to read this before it is posted to make sure that they have final approval :).

I am calling this comparison in character and personality The Jo/Beth Distinction or the JBD (you know, for when this idea becomes a huge hit and people want to shorten it for literary and conversations sake).

Many of you may recall the story of  Little Women. In this classic novel, there are two characters who love each other very dearly but who also have very different passions and motivations in life. The characters of Josephine (Jo) and Beth March are sisters who experience, for the most part, a very similar childhood in the same home, with the same parents, but born with very different temperaments.

Jo has a natural drive for adventure. She loves her life and the people in it and appreciates the traditions of her parents as well as the comforts of home, but something in her always strives for new experiences and a life of greatness. While she doesn't invite turmoil and disappointment in her life, she typically sees them as jumping off points to something that could lead to an exciting new change. The "status-quo" typically leaves her feeling unfulfilled and depressed.

Beth thrives in familiarity and routine. Home is much more than a place to live, it is who she is. She can face really any problem as long as she feels close to the people she loves the most. She is disappointed when others make changes, not because she is too weak to do the same, but because she has such a keen love for things as they are. Change is almost always an unwelcome guest.

Two of my sisters are, in many ways, very comparable to these characters: Heidi is to Jo as Maggie is to Beth (I recognize this is a little confusing because many of you know that my other sister's name is Beth, but...try to keep it straight).

Heidi is my oldest sister. Maybe it was being the oldest that thrust her into a life of stepping into the unknown and thriving. She was a happy kid and very successful in school, but it seemed to my parents (and even I at a young age could tell) that she really came into her own when she moved away to college. I remember thinking how exciting her life was. She met all kinds of new people and made new friends. She dated a bunch of different guys and broke several hearts. She married Ryan, who whisked her away to live in Russia where she really thrived in the unknown, excited to discover new places, travel, and learn a new language. She loves to ski and has taught her children to love it as well, and encourages an adventuresome spirit in them also. She was always the scariest one to ride with on a wave-runner and is (I think) the only one in our family who likes camping. She loves her home, but if offered a job to take her and her family to Iceland she would be thrilled for the adventure and new experiences of something foreign.

Maggie has always been most comfortable at home. She was the child who had to take a pillow with my mom's perfume sprayed on it to sleep-overs and even then, hardly ever made it through the night away from home. She moved away to college as well, but she took a few of her closest friends with her, and she still stays in regular contact with them. She loves a good "to-do" list and really thrives in routine. This makes her exceptionally good at sticking with exercise schedules and having well behaved children. She loves traditions. Christmas and other such times are always really fun with her around because she remembers lots of details about happy times in our family's past. She strives to have her home a welcome place because she wants her kids to have as much fondness for their home as she did for hers.

Over the last several months, Maggie has been preparing to move to Italy for the next three years, while Heidi has lived a fairly (barring a few exceptions) status-quo period of life. And while each of them is able to see great things about their current state in life...I know that both of them, at times, wish that they could switch.

(I want to take the time here to reiterate that both sisters are very happy individuals...they both often express gratitude for what they have and don't spend tons of time complaining about what they don't. I point out these instances to create a point).

One thing that I have observed in this Jo/Beth Distinction, is the tendency for each to have guilt about wanting the fulfillment of these temperaments. It seems that the typical "Jo" that I know will often feel bad when they long for adventure because they don't want to be ungrateful/selfish. The standard "Beth's" of the world often feel bad when they see themselves not inviting progress and positive change with open arms. I have seen this, not only in my sister's but with many people that I have worked with in counseling.

This leads me to another shameless use of a family member to illustrate a point:

My wife Lindsay loves to sing and particularly loves to perform in musicals. Over the years she has been in several productions and has enjoyed getting to know new casts and playing different parts. Recently, she and I were discussing the next show that she was planning to audition for. We repeated a conversation that we have had nearly every time she has auditioned for a show since our children were born, which consists of her feeling guilty for wanting to audition for, rehearse for, and perform in a show that would sacrifice time being away from home. She was also feeling bad for wanting this particular part so bad, as if it was wrong of her to be spending time thinking about and desiring something with such feeling that wasn't about home, kids, or church. Many of our siblings were pregnant and she wondered if she should be having a baby rather than caring about being "Cinderella" in some play.

It was during this conversation that I realized...When things are important to us, what makes us so sure that they aren't important to God as well? He loves us, right? He wants us to be happy, right? Doesn't it make sense that the desires of our hearts (whether church/family related or not) might often be what he wants for us as well? Obviously there are times in which sacrifices for our families are important and necessary, but wanting good/happy things for yourself is not something to feel guilty about.

I truly believe that God is okay with Heidi's drive for adventure, and is really pleased when he watches her enjoy them. I believe that efforts that she makes to have excitement in her life are not viewed by Heavenly Father as selfish ambitions but as his daughter living her life to what she feels is its fullest.

In the same way, I believe that God sees Maggie's desires for familiarity and routine not as a constant intolerance for progress, but as a righteous desire for peace and comfort. After all, he is "the same yesterday, today, and forever."

In short: Whether you are a "Jo" or a "Beth" or some crazy combination including "Meg" or "Amy" (let's be honest though, Amy is annoying :) ) ...be yourself. Guilt about being you profits nothing.

Are you a Jo or a Beth?