Living in the G(r)ay: How to Support a Gay Loved One

Life…is complicated. Anyone who tries to tell you otherwise is lying to themselves, and to you, and you should maybe think about getting another life-advice giver. How do I know so emphatically that life is complicated? Three words: No-bake cookies (does that count as only two words with the hyphen?) Yes, those delicious devils can be whipped up in minutes and consumed in one sitting by me.

I love them.

I also happen to be the world’s best No-Bake Cookie Maker as well, so that only complicates the situation, because you see there is a problem. As much as I love no-bake cookies I have also learned from a certain blue monster that they are a “sometimes food.”

Damn that monster.

Who does he think he is? Coming around, growling in my face about how these mini-piles of chocolate, sugar, and oats are to be limited in some way?  That the joy that is felt bite after bite is somehow not good for me?! 

I know, I know, all of you healthy people out there are saying “cookies are fine! Just enjoy one and then there is nothing wrong with it!”

I don’t want just one. I want 8.

And therein lies the complication.

As you can probably imagine, over the years I have faced and dealt with a lot personal complications, (some even more confusing than my no-bake cookie conundrum!) and recent months have provided me with some special opportunities to become more and more acquainted with complication, and I’m really grateful for it.

Since I started this blog and since our Voice(s) of Hope video came out, I have had a lot of conversations with people in various stages of discomfort, confusion, and despair.  A good number of these conversations have been with members of the LDS Church who are trying to come to terms with their own sexuality. However, many of these conversations have been with families and friends of someone who has decided to leave the LDS church to pursue a gay relationship. These well-meaning family members and friends are scared and confused, and their feelings are real.

Now, for the black and white thinker, there are two options:

1.       Angry Gay Activist Response: “What kind of family are you that you even have to be confused about this?! He/She is happy!  Your church teaches you to hate! It’s not your place to judge so just let them live their life and stop being so bigoted!”

2.       Crazy Religious Zealot Response:  “Homosexuality is a sin that brings hell and damnation! Gays! Gays! Go Away! Don’t Come Again Another Day!”

Thankfully, I have honestly only had personal relationships with a few people in my life whose beliefs have fit strictly into either category above.  However, it is extremely unfortunate that those from either party tend to break-up any conversation about the issue, leaving people to retreat and feel pressured to join either side.

The LDS Church in recent years has made a lot of efforts at trying to provide an option that is somewhere in the middle with statements like:

The Church’s affirmation of marriage as being between a man and a woman “neither constitutes nor condones any kind of hostility toward gays and lesbians.” On the contrary, many Church leaders have spoken clearly about the love and respect with which all people are to be treated.  –LDS.org

Or

The Church favors measures that define marriage as the union of a man and a woman. However, “protecting marriage between a man and a woman does not remove Church members’ Christian obligations of love, kindness and humanity toward all people.” –LDS.org

I believe that these statements are very true, but I also believe that they can feel quite vague to someone whose brother, sister, son, or daughter comes out of the closet and decides to pursue a life different from what had been planned since they were born.  Over and over again I talk to families who are very clear about their continued love for this family member, but feel confused on how that love is to be shown.

For anybody bothered as to why someone would be confused on how to show love for someone they have loved their whole life, consider this perspective:

Faithful members of the LDS Church have grown up their entire lives learning the importance of eternal families. It is one of the most closely and dearly held beliefs in the gospel.  The foundation of an eternal family begins with the marriage of a mother and father who are sealed together and to their children.  The Proclamation to the Family (modern day revelation given through a modern prophet) describes the divinity of gender and the sacred roles of mother and father.

So…If I FIRMLY BELIEVE this to be true, how is it at all loving for me to be “ok” and “supportive” of a child, brother or sister’s decisions that lead me to believe he/she will not be connected to us eternally? If I’m just ok with them being gay and leaving the church, aren’t I saying “I don’t really care about your eternal salvation…just do what feels good.”?

But also, I love this person so much and I truly want them to be happy!  I also TRULY value agency and each person’s ability and right to make their own decisions. I want someone to choose the happiness I feel living the teachings of the LDS Church, but I REALLY don’t want to be a part of MAKING someone live that life!

Sorting through all of these emotions and beliefs can get very confusing however, there are two things I feel are very important for a family member or friend to consider when coming to any conclusions about what steps to take in regards to their gay loved one:

1. It will never be wrong to show genuine love.

2. No one ever returned to a home where they didn't feel loved.

Let's discuss these two statements separately.

1. It will never be wrong to show genuine love.

Several months ago, I was following a Facebook discussion about some controversial article related to homosexuality and religion (there are so many of those these days, that it's hard to keep track which is which!) Amidst all of the heated statements from either side or angle of the argument, a friend of mine made a statement that I have not been able to forget since, and it has given me some guidance in my behavior since then. He said, "I try to avoid packaging my love with disapproval."

Is there a time to make it clear what you believe? To bear your testimony about the truths that you feel are important and essential? Yes. Of course.  Having values and living those values regardless of what anyone says or does is really the definition of integrity.  This is why I feel blessed to belong to a church that continues to make statements about what they believe, even if it is unpopular. I want them to do that, that is their job. And this is why I also feel like a gay married couple should stand up for their values and assert their position. I want people to have integrity...the world is a better place when it is full of people of integrity. So, yes...there is a time to stand up for your truth.

But there is also a time to show unconditional love. There is a time to set aside disagreements and just let a person know that you love them no matter what happens, and no matter what  beliefs or values would appear to stand between us.  Because at the end of the day, we are all children of God.  Mormon, Muslim, gay, straight, white, brown, religious zealot or crazy activist. All of us. There is a time for opinions to be set aside, discomfort to be swallowed, and hugs and love to be shown.

I believe that you will do yourself a great service by doing as my friend has suggested and not packaging these times together...and here's why:

If every time I tell my child I love him and there is always a following "but," what he will grow up hearing is "when you are performing how I would prefer that you perform... then and only then do I love you."  You can't imagine the number of individuals I have worked with that have had a lifetime of problems because they are certain that their worth is dependent on their performance.  Every time I tell a gay family member or friend that I love them but I disapprove of their choices, I'm reinforcing the belief that "you are only acceptable to me if you are doing what I feel you should do." You could never say that you disapprove again and your gay family member or friend would know where you stand. They would know because you continue to go to church each week, you pay your tithing, you sustain your prophet, or because they ask you. Often the unstated question is being asked "I know you disagree, but will you love me anyway?"  It  is my opinion that the "yes" to that question is shown by asking them about their dating life, attending their wedding, inviting them and their partner to family parties, hanging their family picture on your wall, etc.

Which leads me to the next point...

2. No one ever returned to a home where they didn't feel loved.

Every faithful LDS parent or family member of someone whom has gone astray longs for the day that said family member will return.  They pray that at some point in the future this family member will desire to return to the faith they knew as a child. This desire is sometimes frustrating to the gay family member because they feel this continues to make a statement of the "wrongness" of their life choices, but the most reasonable gay men and women I know are the ones who respect that desire because they know it is coming from a place of love (in much less emotionally charged terms...it's like my friends who really want me to love camping because they love it so much.  It's not irritating to me that they want that for me. I know they do because that is what makes them happy).  Some people aren't reasonable...we still love them.

I love the parable of the prodigal son (Luke 15:11-32). I love it so much not because it is a message of repentance. I love it because of the example of love shown by the father.  Don't you think the father knew that it was a bad idea for his son to just take his half of his inheritance and live it up for awhile? Do you think the father was thrilled when his son essentially said, "I know you're not dead yet, but can I just have the money now that I will get when you are dead?"  When the son finally came back and had wasted everything, the father welcomed him with open arms! It is interesting that the father showed all that love without even hearing why the son came back...his love was automatic. The son could have been coming home to ask for more money! The father didn't ask him why, he was just so happy to see him.

If parents, siblings or friends are to have any hope that their gay loved one will ever see things their way, they had better know that this won't happen because they were lectured to death, cut out of family activities, or distanced from.  The best option, as I see it, is to provide a home (referring to both a physical home with family as well as a home in the gospel of Christ) where they feel safe, loved, and accepted.

But what if they never return to the church?! What if they never change their minds about this whole gay thing?!  I would refer you back to point #1: It will never be wrong to show genuine love.

 Let go of needing  black and white resolution, and learn to be ok with gray.

My personal experience with homosexuality as well as the privilege I have to speak with people so frequently about their own has led me time and time again to this conclusion:

Life is complicated.

So much of life's answers are somewhere in the gray.

But that’s ok.

Life is also wonderful!