"I'm Scared of Your God:" Some Thoughts About What Mormons Call "The Plan of Salvation"

My little sister hates when people talk about their dreams. She very hilariously informed us of this, when a group of our close friends were hanging out together. Josh had just finished telling us about a funny dream he had when the conversation paused for a second, and she chimed in,

"Guys, I've been meaning to tell you...I really hate it when people talk about dreams they've had..."

Smooth Beth, Smooth.
(We all laughed hysterically)

So, despite the fact that Beth will likely roll her eyes, I'm going to tell you about one of the most vivid and traumatizing dreams I've ever had in my life.

It happened when I was a sophomore in high school. At this time (you might recall from previous posts) I was struggling secretly with issues of pornography and worrying a lot about being attracted to men. I was very active in church, and valued that experience a great deal, but my understanding of the gospel at that time combined with my drive to always be seen as a "good kid" most often created a sense of not ever really feeling good enough.

In the dream there was all sorts of calamity. Earthquakes, volcanoes, tornadoes, and all manner of riots everywhere. My family and I were trying hard to get from point A to point B (it escapes me where we were going or what was motivating us) but we were in the middle of all of this, and trying desperately to make sure that we all stayed together. After some time, the turmoil settled, and in the quiet you could hear sobs of sadness while everyone surveyed the carnage. Happily, however, my family remained all alive and together. Suddenly, we saw in the sky what appeared to be three giant planets. After standing in awe for some time, someone in my family stated "it's the three kingdoms!" (A reference that I will explain in more detail later for those of you not familiar with Mormon doctrine...essentially the 3 Kingdoms are three degrees of glory, sort of like three "levels" of heaven, to which God's children go to after judgement...again....more on that later).  At that moment, everyone started floating. Just up at first, and then in the direction of the planets. To my horror, my entire family started floating toward the Celestial Kingdom (the highest degree of glory), and I started being pulled to the Telestial Kingdom (the lowest of the three). We reached for each other, frantically. Screaming and crying we slowly drifted farther and farther away, them together and heading toward happiness and God, and me alone.

It was awful. I woke up sobbing, and couldn't stop thinking about it for several days. Its crazy how even writing about it now gives me a nervous feeling because it just seemed so real and terrifying.

This was a reflection on what I thought about myself and my fate at the time. I was trying really hard to do what I was supposed to do, but despite any effort, I was pretty certain that I would never be good enough, that I had failed the test, and that God was not happy with me. In theory he loved everyone, but in practice...I just pissed him off.

I want to take a minute now to explain the Plan of Salvation to those who may not know what I'm talking about, and to do that, I want to show you a picture:

This picture, or something very similar to this picture, is quite familiar to someone who has grown up in the LDS Faith. It is a concept that puts our mortal life into perspective, and answers for many people the questions related to "who am I?" "Where did we come from?" "Where are we going?" You know, the big ones.

Basically, we were created by God and lived with him in the Preexistence. Somewhere along the way there was a great debate about how we should progress, learn, and gain experience. Satan offered a plan in which he would make everyone obey and do what they were "supposed" to do so that God wouldn't lose anyone due to their own idiocy. Christ, however, offered to fulfill God's plan in which everyone would have the ability to choose (thus, actually learning something) and as far as mistakes that would separate them from God, he said basically, "I'll take care of it." and offered himself as a sacrifice to pay for everyone's mistakes. Those who fought for Satan's plan were upset when they didn't win and they were cast out of heaven, making a choice that left them unable to progress any further, and the rest of us put our trust in Christ to pick up the bill and set out to begin learning. Yes, I say "us" because we Mormons are brazen enough to state that if you are here on Earth, you chose to follow Christ and ultimately God. "Good job!"

We leave the Preexistence, and are born. This changes us from strictly spirit beings, to gaining and learning to manage a physical body. We pass through a veil so we cannot remember our pre-earth life (creating the need for faith). We grow up, we make mistakes and fall, we learn, we study, we experience, and eventually...we die. At this point our body and spirit separate and we go to the Spirit World, more specifically (and not pictured here) to Spirit Paradise or Spirit Prison. We are taught that those who didn't have the opportunity to hear and accept the gospel will be taught here, and after this comes the Judgement and Resurrection. Christ, the only one who has a perfect understanding of each human's experience (remember...that "he suffered for everyone's mistakes" part I mentioned earlier), is the judge. He determines which kingdom each person goes to. (I recognize that to someone who didn't grow up with all of this stuff it might seem very Dora The Explorer: 'go over crocodile bridge, around volcano mountain, and through the magical forest!' But taught and understood through spiritual eyes and feelings, it starts to make more sense. Its actually very poetic and beautiful). 

What isn't clear on this picture (but is often explained in Sunday School) is that the Terrestrial and Telestial Kingdoms, while having a substantial degree of happiness and joy (they are a 'degree' of glory, after all) indicate an end of progression. You are here for your existence (which again...not a bad place to be for eternity, but certainly not ideal). Ideal for Mormon's is the Celestial Kingdom. This is not just because it is the highest degree of glory, or just because this is where God is present, but because it is here in which progression continues. We can continue to learn, study, grow, experience, and create.

This is where the whole idea that "Mormon's believe they become Gods after they die" comes in. If we continue to progress, and grow, and learn, over the course of eternity we will eventually become like God and have the knowledge and abilities he has. It's a lot to learn, but...it's eternity folks. We don't get zapped with lightening and suddenly we are Zeus. We learn, grow, create, experience, etc. and eventually we get there.

So...Why have I taken you on this crash course of Mormon Beliefs: 101?  Because I want to point out something I believe to be very true, and something that I believe is a problem for many people in the church, which has implications on how we see, treat, and interact with those outside of the church.

Take a second and go back up to the picture. Depending on what kind of screen you are reading this on, the measurements will be different, but I want you to take a quick measurement of the distance between the line that says "death" and the line that says "judgement and resurrection." Go ahead...go look...I'll wait.

Hi, welcome back.

So what did you get? An inch or two? Three? If it's bigger than three then your computer screen is insane and I bet you paid too much for it. The point is, when putting this plan on to one paper those two lines are deceivingly close together, and I think that sets in our primary, "Popcorn-popping-on-the-apricot-tree-minds" that the time between death and judgement is very limited, and I want to tell you why I believe that it just isn't, and why that's important.

I truly, and wholeheartedly believe that anyone who truly wants the Celestial Kingdom will get it, and I don't say that to mean that "people who really want the Celestial Kingdom will live Celestial lives." I mean, that if after all of your experience, even if you have made a gabillion mistakes, if your heart truly wants, and is willing to put in the work (work that is done both here and in the Spirit World) for the Celestial Kingdom you will get it. We are working with eternal time here. Isn't it possible that the space between death and judgement might be millions of what we measure as years? Don't you think that if what we truly desire is to be with God, that God is going to provide the time to allow that to happen? This is not to say that we earn our salvation, because without Christ...ain't nobody gettin' in there. But we certainly will be granted the opportunity to learn what we need to in order to prepare us for Celestial Glory, right? I can't imagine a God that would see anyone working hard to be with him who would say "Welp, Judgement Day is here and you didn't make the cut." When people talk about seeing God in that way, I usually say something like, "I'm scared of your God."

"WELL..."you might say emphatically, "are you saying that it doesn't really matter what you do in this life, so we should just 'eat, drink, and be merry' and then we can take the time to correct things after we die and before judgement?!" You are such a little perfectionist, aren't you?

The answer to that is, of course, "no." We need to keep trying and strive to live the commandments and be good people, but not because we are scared of dying and not making it, but because we love God, we love Christ, and we want to do as they would have us do. I know too many people who walk through life absolutely sure that they will never be good enough for God and that they are doomed to some lesser glory because they just can't get things figured out...and that's just nonsense to me. If you want it, you will be able to get it, and that is the true mercy and grace of God and his son Jesus. We can't constrict God to our concept of time. If you are trying and you want it, you will have all the time you need.

"WELL..." you might stubbornly retort again, "that would pretty much just mean that everyone makes it to the Celestial Kingdom because who isn't going to want that?!"  And, you my friend, are right...and stop talking to me in that tone.

Despite what might be popular belief, the Celestial Kingdom is not going to be an exclusive resort/club for Mormons. I'm convinced that it will be full of all kinds of people who led all kinds of different lives on Earth. They made mistakes and walked various paths, but through faith and being taught by the spirit, with a subsequent decision to become more than what they were, they choose God, they choose Christ, and choose service.

Yes, service. I believe the other kingdoms exist because there will be people who honestly don't want Celestial Glory. Maybe it will be pride that will keep them from those blessings, but lets be honest folks, Celestial Glory will be hard work! It will be a lot of learning and experiencing and ultimately creating and serving others. I imagine that God is a pretty busy guy. My guess is that not everyone is going to want to sign up for an eternity of that. "Entering into his rest" I think probably is more about entering into his peace, not entering into his land of chaise lounges and platters of grapes.

I have one more related point (are you still reading?!)

Mormons often refer to this life as a "test." Meaning that God sent us to earth and gave us the opportunity to learn and grow and we are being "tested" to see if we will be true to his commandments in this life, proving our worthiness to enter into His presence in the next life.

I REALLY dislike this metaphor and decided to stop using it a long time ago. What an awful test! We went through a veil that made us forget everything before we could take it, and then if you think about all the people that have ever lived or will live on Earth the only people who have had access to what we believe is the fullness of truth...its microscopic! It seems like a horribly unfair test.

It makes more sense to me to see this life as a grand opportunity. With a mortal body and the need for faith, we have the opportunity to do a whole lot of progressing in a short amount of time. When you combine that opportunity with having the knowledge of the Gospel, our ability to progress can be astounding! By the time we hit that "death" bar on the diagram, people like President Hinckley, Mother Theresa, and Lindsay Hickman will be a lot more advanced than me in this whole progression thing...but again...its not a race, and if I want it, I can get it.

This "opportunity instead of a test" perspective also helps me to really appreciate my own unique experience here on Earth. Because while Gordon, Ms. Theresa, and Lindsay have become such good people in their lifetime, none of them have experienced being a 6 foot, near-sighted, occasionally neurotic, gay male with genetically awful teeth. And if we are to become like God, who knows everything, they are going to have to learn something about those things. A friend of mine, and fellow member of the LDS Church once asked me, "so...do you think that as you go through eternity, you will become more and more straight?" I thought about it for a minute and answered, "maybe, but I think you will become more and more gay. We all have to learn everything!" If I have taken the opportunity to progress as much as I can with my unique circumstances, I will be good and ready to help others learn what I learned, and they can help me. Again, perhaps this is more of the service we may be called on to do in eternity.

Once again, to those with not a lot of exposure to this stuff, I can see that these might all seem confusing and mystical, but I just want to take the opportunity to say that my faith and belief is that all of this crazy stuff is true. I know that God lives.We don't need to be scared of him! I know that he loves all of us. ALL of us. What evidence do I have that he does? Well...a lot. But the biggest evidence by far is the offering of his Son so that I could have the experiences that I need to experience, to learn what I need to learn, without the pressure of needing to be perfect.