Monday, August 15, 2016

The Reward of Happiness

Isn't culture such a weird concept? Its weird to think about the fact that depending on where you are born and the environment that you live in you can conceptualize very basic aspects of life in really different ways. Like...time, for example. Different cultures look at and value time in so many different ways. Even from family to family within a culture it can be extremely varied. Or money. I remember in an Intro to Sociology class learning about how different socio-economic groups understand and conceptualize money and wealth and it was so interesting to me how different they were.

These kinds of differences in the understanding of what might seem like simple concepts is really important in my line of work. It's interesting to see what changes can happen in a person's life when they are able to make just a small tweak to their conceptualization of simple ideas. 

One such simple idea is the concept of happiness. If you aren't reading this in the middle of a crosswalk, stop for a second and think of what you believe is the definition of happiness. What is it? Where does it come from? Why do we feel happy? I'll wait for a minute and give you some time to think it over...


You done? Good. 

I'm guessing that people who typically read this blog are of a western culture in one form or another, so I think we could probably all agree that happiness is an emotion or feeling. But what are the first things you think about when answering questions like "where does happiness come from?" or "How does someone feel happy?" I would not be the least bit surprised if somewhere in your answers about the origin of happiness for a person that you would attach words like "positive" or "right" or "achieve" or "good." It would probably be common to say something like, "Happiness is a positive feeling. The kind of feeling that things are going right." It might make sense to say "Someone achieve's happiness when they work hard and accomplish their goals." 

Something that I hear ALL OF THE TIME in my community of western, largely religious culture is something to the effect of "Happiness comes when you do the right thing." 

If you ask me (and since you are reading this...you are implicitly asking me...so if you don't want to hear my opinion then what, pray tell, what are you doing here?) this concept of happiness is extremely problematic. 

Too often we think about happiness as being the reward for doing the right thing, being righteous, or making the best choices. Our level of happiness at any given point is often used simultaneously as the level at which we are successful. Happiness seen as a reward concludes that happiness and success go hand in hand. Which, makes sense, right? If I have a goal to make a million dollars and I make a million dollars...that would make me pretty happy. I feel happy when I can see myself being productive and accomplishing things. It does make sense...except for when it doesn't. 

The problem that quickly arises as we view happiness as synonymous with things like being right, good, correct, or successful is that we too easily conclude that the inverse is true. That the lack of happiness must be synonymous with being wrong, bad, incorrect, or failure. We Mormons often take the teaching in Alma that "wickedness never was happiness" and incorrectly conclude that "righteousness always is happiness" or "unhappiness always is wickedness." 

Too often when happiness is a reward, sadness is a punishment. 

But wait a second...that makes sense too! If I lose my million dollars in the stock market, that would make me sad. And I certainly don't feel happy when I see myself slacking off or falling short on my goals. It does make sense...except for when it doesn't. 

Something that has been particularly helpful to me is discussing feelings and emotions as being pleasant or unpleasant as opposed to positive or negative and especially as opposed to right or wrong. An example I often use is a root canal. As a root canal regular at my dentist's office (its genetics people...don't go thinking that I'm disgusting and don't brush my teeth) I can tell you without hesitation that root canals are definitely unpleasant. However, I can't say that they are bad because they certainly solve a problem. When its over, a problem with my tooth is now fixed, the ache goes away, and I didn't have to have it removed. 

I also like discussing the appropriateness or understandable-ness of emotions rather than attaching value to them as being right/wrong or good/bad. For example: feeling sad at a funeral...appropriate and understandable. Feeling aroused at funeral...not so understandable, there may be an issue there. But even arousal at a funeral (as confusing as that would be) cannot be deemed as inherently wrong. Life experience creates all kinds of weird emotional responses that are understandable given the circumstances. Most non-smokers are not a fan of the smell of casinos. I love the smell of casinos! I've never been in a casino for a sad reason, casinos mean vacation! 

The more experience I gain as therapist, the more I realize that much of the intense difficulty that a person experiences has a great deal to do with a person judging their unpleasant feelings as wrong, bad, or failure.  So many people jump to the conclusion that if they aren't happy, then it means that they are doing something wrong, that they have made a bad choice, and often they conclude that they are not in favor with God. But the reality reveals quite frequently that a good choice can bring difficult challenges, the right thing can cause a lot of pain, that sometimes feeling sad is the appropriate thing to feel. 

Whenever we feel pain of any kind, it is often a knee-jerk reaction to assume that there must be a culprit. Somebody, somewhere has done something wrong! When there isn't an obvious enemy, we assume it was ourselves who made a mistake somewhere and decide that our pain is a sure sign of failure and we better fix it or else the pain won't ever go away! 

What about when a loved one dies? It is often extremely painful, sad, and upsetting. Whose the enemy? Who failed? What did I do wrong to feel this sad? 

What if I'm lonely? Does it automatically follow that I've done something wrong? Is there always an enemy? Or might it make sense and even be appropriate to feel loneliness? 

As it is with so many other issues, the solution to this "happiness as a reward" issue as I see it is acceptance (not to be confused with approval). We have to start by accepting the fact that this idea is deeply rooted into our understanding of emotions. By acknowledging the existence of this misunderstanding, we can start to be aware of where we are applying it and start making adjustments were we can. 

We then have to start accepting emotions as neither good or bad, right or wrong, positive or negative...that they are what they are...they exist not necessarily as a result of success or failure. When we get efficient at accepting emotions in this way, we start to recognize that some unpleasantness doesn't require fixing...it requires understanding and room to do its job. 

A fun example of this is found in the movie Inside Out. In the movie, a little girl's emotions are personified into little characters in her head that regulate her behavior and guide her decision making. Throughout the movie, Joy anxiously runs around trying to keep Sadness from ruining everything by touching it. Joy concludes that when Sadness touches something, she screws it up and ruins it forever. Slowly, Joy finds out that Sadness has a job to do. Sadness isn't just there to indicate failure or something bad, she brings growth and understanding. Sadness slowly becomes a working member of the team of emotions, rather than something to be avoided at all costs. 

Some of the best and most important things in my life were born out of some of the most difficult and emotionally challenging things. There have been some questions that I have avoided asking because I had determined that I shouldn't be experiencing the difficulty I was experiencing. Over time, I've come to realize that I am allowed to feel all the feelings and they don't determine my value as a person, my success in the roles I have, or my worthiness before God. 

As a Christian, I am taught to align my life with Christ's. Well guess what? Christ experienced things throughout his life that led him to feel sad. He felt angry, he felt lonely, he felt scared, and not one of these emotions came as a sign that he was a failure. 

No comments:

Post a Comment