Monday, April 8, 2019

Self-Critical Grip of Perfectionism

I think that it’s really important to take the time to make sure that we are all aware that
nobody is a perfectionist because they are an idiot. We don’t get caught in these patterns of
thinking because we are just too stupid to figure something else out. Patterns of belief and
thinking such as these are formed and grow and solidify because at one point they worked for
us. Sometimes they worked because we lived in an abusive or chaotic home that rewarded self-critical thinking because it kept you from being too difficult, or annoying, or it kept you out of the
way. In less traumatic circumstances, self-critical/perfectionistic beliefs and thought patterns
simply were a way of making sure that you were generally liked, that you performed well in
school, or that you could avoid feeling guilty when you went to church.

I am a firm believer that as humans, we don’t and won’t do the same thing over and over
again, unless some part of us (whether conscious or subconscious) believes that there is some
payoff. We don’t make the same choices, engage in the same behavior, or indulge the same
beliefs unless there is some form of benefit. This benefit or payoff is not always healthy or even
objectively positive, but it’s important to understand that we don’t do things for no reason. Even
a small shift in my seat has a reason (the reason may not be all that meaningful, but still…it’s
there). This perspective is very easily applied when understanding the role of self-criticism, and
it is essential to understand its functional role in order to overcome it.

The perfectionist walks around all day every day with a self-critical/negative grip on their
brain. Think of the most sinister and strong hand you can imagine, literally clutching onto and
gripping your brain in its strength. Everything the perfectionist thinks, says, and does, is filtered
through this grip of self-criticism so that even positive things are distorted so that the person
questions their own motives and intentions. I have talked to so many people living with this grip
on their brain who frequently and regularly devalue their own acts of kindness or goodness by
convincing themselves when it’s over, “I only did it because it was easy,” or even “I just did it
because I wanted to feel good about myself.”

When a person is stuck in the grip of perfectionism every glance at a mirror is a cringe
about being the wrong size. Every Sunday School lesson is a lecture about what a slacker you
are. Every success of those around you is a reminder of how poorly you are performing and that
you’ll never be good enough.

When a person recognizes the need for a change, often times that change comes in the
form of trying to strengthen another grip. Because the perfectionist is accustomed to living in
extremes, the obvious answer to deal with this negative grip on the brain, would be to work at
strengthening positivity until it is strong enough to unravel and beat away the self-critical grip. A
perfectionist will see going to therapy, posting positive thoughts in their bathroom, and repeating
complimentary affirmations to themselves as a sort of positive thinking “workout” that will get
stronger and stronger until it can beat out that negative grip and hold our brains in a grip of
happiness and sunshine! The task is to fight hard enough and long enough to strengthen
positive thinking to the point that I finally believe these things are true.

There are a few things that I dislike about this concept of positive thinking. First, it seems
to support a pattern of only being comfortable living in extremes. If the answer to my extreme self-
criticism is to work hard at getting myself to believe the exact opposite is true all of the time, I’ve
 exchanged one extreme for the other and with it established the same potential of a different, but
equal crash. Secondly, I dislike this view of strengthening positive thoughts to beat out the negative
ones because it is knowingly and actively creating more reasons for a fight in your head. This, is
not ideal as the perfectionist already has plenty of internal fighting going on and won’t be served
by additional fights, even fights disguised as cute quotes about being awesome. Finally, the third reason I’m not a fan of this perspective has to do with the hard realities of being a perfectionist. Day to day living and existing in a brain that is gripped by self-criticism is exhausting. Things that objectively don’t require that much energy become draining because the uphill battle against that inner-voice makes each step of the process heavier and more important than it needs to be. It can be draining to the point that getting out of bed seems like a giant task. I have had several conversations with people who feel like they are drained from “trying” all day but a review of the day’s activity reveals that not much was physically done, but the battle being fought in their head was raging all day.

This was certainly the case for me as a young Missionary in Taiwan. From the moment I woke up
until the moment I laid my head down on the pillow at night I was fighting with myself. I did my best to be friendly and come across as easy going and put together, and saved moments like biking behind my companion or sitting in the bathroom to cry angry tears to myself, insisting that I wasn’t trying hard enough and to “pull it together! You’re supposed to be sharing happiness for crying out loud!” Through the hardest parts of my struggle with this self-critical grip, whenever there was some sort of suggestion that implied putting an effort into strengthening positivity, I wanted to say, “with what energy are you suggesting I do that? Because it’s taking pretty much all I have just to be awake and alive right now.” 

A perfectionist’s energy is robbed by that critical grip. It drains all day into wishing they
were someone else, longing for the day when they finally figure things out, regretting decisions
made years ago, and worrying about not ever being good enough. This being the case, a
suggestion that relief will only come by exuding more energy often feels hopeless and
insurmountable.

The task required in order for a perfectionist to find peace then is not a matter of fighting,
but a matter of realizing that the formidable grip holding the brain captive is, in fact, of their own
creation and under their own power and one needs to, essentially, let go. In letting go of that grip, a
person gives themselves permission to exist exactly as they are in this moment. This deliberate
letting go of criticism, of wishing, longing, regretting, and worrying allows a person to be present
with themselves, accepting the reality: “I am who I am. I am where I’m at. It is what it is.”

The perfectionist has a complicated relationship with the word “acceptance.” The
complication most often stemming from a lack of understanding of what it means. Frequently,
acceptance is used synonymously with words like “approval” or “support.” A perfectionist both
longs for and fears self-approval. Theoretically it would be so relieving to believe that oneself
was good enough and deserving of approval, but in practice, a perfectionist is certain that there
is no difference between self-acceptance and giving up, settling, or being totally complacent.
Perfectionism has established safety for itself by convincing the Perfectionist that it is doing an
important job. It settles in comfortably behind the lie that it is the only thing motivating the
person to do good, to try hard, or accomplish anything.

When we discuss self-acceptance (at least the kind of acceptance required for “letting
go” of self-criticism) we are not talking about approval. We are talking about acceptance in the
most simple terms possible. Most often, when I have had this discussion with clients I will refer
to some piece of furniture in the room, like the chair I’m sitting in. I will state, “I accept the reality
of this chair’s presence in this room right now…it’s here. It is what it is. I haven’t said anything
about this chair being awesome or awful, I’m just being present with it here as it is.”
This type of self-acceptance: “I am who I am. I am where I’m at. It is what it is,” is so
simple that our complex human brains, particularly a perfectionist brain, will initially refuse to sit
with it for any length of time, disregarding the practice as a useless waste of time and
demanding that a person immediately jump to judgements and then, just as quickly, jump to “…
and what are you going to do about it?!” This was, admittedly, my difficulty with the concept of
mindfulness as a whole when I was first introduced to it. This paying attention and being present
with oneself sounded like a bunch hippy nonsense and I disregarded it as useful to anyone that
didn’t already enjoy yoga or already have some formal practice of deep breathing (a suggestion
many people bring up to cope with anxiety, but few people ever actually do because the source
of anxiety is complex and deep breathing is just too easy). I was impatient with the idea of sitting
with oneself or sitting with the reality of how things are and was anxious to start moving into
problem solving. Convinced, that if a person is unhappy with the way things are, the only useful
application of acceptance is to identify what you hate so that it can be changed.

For a person really struggling with self-acceptance, it might be helpful to start with what
could be termed “self-acknowledgement.” In the way that a person, walking up to a pool might
first identify and acknowledge the existence of the pool before getting in, it might be easier to
approach self-acceptance from a clearly observational point of view. One can figuratively step
outside of themselves and looking back at themselves identify: “He/she is who she is. He/she is
where they are.” As this acknowledgement becomes easier to access, it might feel like less
intimidating of a jump to start being present with, “I am who I am.”

After some discussion and practice, it usually doesn’t take too long before a person is
able to feel the relief that comes from letting go of that self-critical grip, allowing themselves to
just exist as they are without it. Initially, that feeling of relief literally only lasts a few seconds.
The perfectionist has been so well conditioned to respond to any situation with self-critical
thinking that letting go of it feels awkward and scary, like letting go of the side of the rink the first
time a person goes ice-skating. It feels exciting and one gets the sense that they want more and
more of it, but because it’s unlike any sensation they’ve experienced before, the moment a
thought, feeling, or interaction comes along that sparks a reflex to judge, that grip has latched
back on as fast as a new skater would put out a hand to catch themselves when falling. It is an
interesting phenomenon to observe in a clinical setting. There is literally a different feeling in the
room when a person is able to let go of that grip. They are observably lighter and more hopeful.
The weight of their own critical voice being dismissed is a very real and obvious transformation.
However, without fail, it returns, latches on, and grips as tight as it ever did before. So often
there comes a point when a client will ask the ironic question, “how do I hold onto that feeling?!”

“Letting go” to a perfectionist is as Chinese is to an English speaker. There is almost
nothing familiar about it and first attempts are choppy and awkward. In the same way that an
English speaker just learning Chinese will often ignore the tonal quality of the language and just
use typical English inflections with Chinese words, a perfectionist will most likely start to try to
accomplish the feeling of letting go with perfectionist methods. Thus, questions like “How do I
hold onto that feeling?” or “What are the steps to make that happen?” Most frequently what
happens is that the quick return of the self-critical grip is deemed a failure of a person’s attempt
to let go, and it is met with more self-criticism: “I can’t even not hate myself!” “It’s so simple! Why
can’t I just get it?!”

An essential part of the process of learning to let go of self-criticism has to do with the
response to self-criticism once it has inevitably returned. The task of letting go is made much
easier when one can respond to that grip in a loving, forgiving, perhaps even endearing or
nostalgic way. This is only accomplished by taking the time to appreciate the reason for its
existence in the first place.

The perfectionist must understand and recognize the simple truth that despite the
difficulty and fatigue self-criticism has caused for them, the size, strength, and intensity of that
self-criticism is directly related to how desperately they really just want to be a good person.
They fervently want to be a good mother/father, son/daughter, employee, church member,
neighbor, student, etc., and somewhere along the way they were convinced that the way to be a
good anything is to be very aware of where there are shortcomings and to criticize and be
dissatisfied with themselves until they reach “good.” In other words, they learned to fuel
motivation for self-improvement with critical self-talk. To “kick themselves in the butt” to work
hard at becoming what they need to become, certain that self-acceptance will only stop
progression. The problem with utilizing self-criticism as motivation fuel, is that it is one of the
most inefficient fuels out there and often burns out before any real progress is made. However,
because the perfectionist is convinced that this is how one becomes what they should and want
to become, they pour tons of energy and focus into that self-criticism, into strengthening that
grip.

Through understanding the origin of that grip, one can have a loving response to its
reflexive return by understanding that this grip, though painful and menacing, is only trying to
help. It has been trying to help the perfectionist accomplish the desired goal to be good. After
some moments with the relief of letting go, one might respond to the conditioned return of the
self-critical grip with some version of the following internal dialogue:
“Well, hello there self-criticism. I see you’ve returned as I’ve trained you to do. I appreciate your
quick response, you’ve always been willing to jump in and help. However, I’m learning that I
have to allow myself to just exist exactly as I am…without you. I understand that you are trying
to help, but I’m learning that you don’t serve me how I intended you to serve me, and I have to
let you go again.”

It is difficult for a person who has been utilizing this pattern of self-criticism as motivational fuel to trust and believe that letting go of this practice is a good idea. Sure, at first it is a nice feeling, but like was said before, letting go sounds a lot like giving up.  In reality, however, the difference in feeling between “giving up” and “letting go” is really very different. A person can learn to know the difference by trying it out. Even if for just 5 or 10 minutes at a time. Often times I will encourage a person to look at the clock and decide that for the next 15 minutes they are going to try to allow themselves permission to exist exactly as they are, without any negative judgements. For 15 minutes there is nothing to become or something else they need to be, and when the self-critical ideas up they are going to intentionally and deliberately set them aside just for these 15 minutes. It doesn’t take much of this kind of practice to learn that the feeling being nurtured is not encouragement to just give up.

It is an interesting conversation to have to point out to a person the reality of some of the things that they have accomplished in their lives and to bring to the awareness the truth that what has been accomplished has been in spite of the fact that they are so self-critical, not because they are so self-critical. The perfectionist has had to swim upstream against their own harsh judgements and constant picking apart to get anything done. If that criticism stopped, would that person just stop progressing and growing and learning and developing? No! Of course not! As a person learns to let go of that self-critical grip, the energy being used to fuel that grip gets resourced into progressing, growing, learning, and developing motivated by simply desiring to do so.

1 comment:

  1. I never identified, or recognized those traits in myself, as a 'perfectionist'. However, I related to many of the things in your article- some of them describe my behavior perfectly (pun intended- I tried). The following quote really struck a chord:
    "The perfectionist must understand and recognize the simple truth that despite the
    difficulty and fatigue self-criticism has caused for them, the size, strength, and intensity of that self-criticism is directly related to how desperately they really just want to be a good person." (crying now)
    I wrote on a little note on my desk, "“I am who I am. I am where I’m at. It is what it is.” I'm not entirely sure what that even means, or how to achieve that- but I recognize that it is a place where I need to be. Thanks for sharing your thoughts- definitely what I needed to read/hear today. Thanks!

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